Feeling alone. Kicked partener out

[Chippychips5]

Hello. I told my partener to leave two days ago as I strongly suspect he threw a calpol bottle at a wall in our child's nursery when I was in work. He has denied this saying it dropped in the landing and smashed even though we have carpet there is a massive droplet smudge on the child's wall glass on the floor and calpol on the inside of the door so it happened in the room I know it. I'm so disappointed in myself that I wasn't there to protect my baby. I have been worried about his attitude in the past but this has really shook me. I intend to not let him back in and not let him see the child unsupervised his mother will be present next time as he is now staying with her. I just feel so alone now though. I'm letting him get to me he keeps telling me I'm crazy this is in my head I even did it to sabotage him I have no proof etc. I have taken pics of the smears and I can clearly see pink bits and photos of all the glass etc he clearly didn't clean properly but he is still insistent it happened in the landing yet there is not a thing out of place there. Basically his family are on his side and saying I should support him I don't know for sure. I am so angry and upset. I have no family here at all I spent today me and my son. They are barely talking to me. I want to drop all and return to my own family abroad but I am so afraid he will claim he wants our child even though he is so useless and I am afraid of him. I'm so scared he will make me out to be some lunatic as he even makes me doubt myself and even though I know deep down what happened I am still doubting maybe he's right and these marks appeared out of nowhere. It sounds so stupid but he has always done this to me and really knocked my confidence. I guess I'm just looking for some words of advice or wisdom I'm really trying to stay strong but I feel so alone and helpless. I've contacted womens aid for legal advice but all are closed for Christmas. I'm not sure whether to go off sick with work with stress but would that go against me as he would say I am too stressed to look after my child when in relatiy I need to keep us safe from him. In the past he has made threats to kill me, taken drugs, threw things at me etc but I have never told anyone bar his mum for help and I am sure she will deny it all to protect him.

It doesn't sound as if anyone would believe him if he claimed you were too stressed to look after your child tbh,

It might be worth making a list of incidents where he has been an arse to you, it might strengthen your resolve to get through this

She has also told me not to tell or talk to his other family about it so as to not ruin their Christmas so I am getting texts saying I hope we all had a nice day and it sickens me to reply yes lovely. My child goes to nursery but he used to have him for two days. His mum suggested I increase the nursery so when I asked him would he help me pay for it as I pay for his current days and nearly everything else he said no he will just keep him in the house he's not paying. He's gone now so at least I will get help but I still just feel like it's just me and the baby. I have no real friends here just work friends

Big change is confusing but your feelings and ideas will settle down. You asked for advice and I empathise with the distance from your family. So, my advice would be to chose actions now that will bring you stability and space while thins adjust.

So, yes, some time off work if that is possible. You won't have to wait long (although it feels like it is it isn't long and you'll get through) for the advice lines to open.

Your partner's opinion is not of interest to any local or legal authority, so don't give him that say over you now. Keep your thoughts on being ok now, play sleep, keeping well. I'm not a oracle on these things but a mum who went through similar things a long time ago and I wish you well

He sounds abusive.
Write everything down.
Every time he's been aggressive, nasty, puts you down, made you doubt yourself. He also sound financially abusive.
Keep the pictures of the wall and Calpol glass.
He must have thrown it quite hard as they are tough bottles, I doubt they'd break on carpet just being dropped.
His mum is not your friend, she will not protect you or your child.

If you can go home to your family I would even if that is in another country. It won't be easy for him to bully or threaten you from abroad.
Start making plans now but don't tell anyone.

Well done for getting him out- that must have been hard, stay strong.

OP,
He sounds awful.
If your family are kind and supportive I would pack your bags and return to them.

Your gut and pictures regarding the Calpol are chilling.
He has threatened you.

Please get away from him and listen to your gut.

Protect yourself.

His family are NOT your family.

Get away.

Take your baby, tell no one and go home to your family ASAP! That’s my advice and if you were my daughter, I would tell you the same thing! Actually, if you were my daughter I would be on the first flight over to take you both home with me. You aren’t alone, everyone on this thread is behind you!💕

Thank you. I really do want to just jump a plane as you say but I have work and a house which I rent. I could go off sick from work I'm just trying so hard to figure out how I will manage everything in my head what happens to all my furniture etc how do I go about it. Im also waiting to hear back from the solicitor for advice. My heart wants to just run but my head is thinking bills rent nursery fees job practical things I need to sort it's just a case of where do I even begin I just wish I had as you said @Princessbanana my mum with me even

Could you fly to family, leave the baby in their care, return to pack and sort things out?

Is he on the birth certificate as the father? Legally he can stop your child leaving the country if he has parental responsibility. He can also go to court to get your DC back if both your country and his country are signatories of the hague convention. It's not as simple as just go home. Speak to a solicitor before you do anything. Do you think he would try to stop you leaving or pursue it in court if you managed to leave? Some abusive men will do that to control you even if they have little interest in the DC, but if he's been caring for DC 2 days a week on his own it would be hard to argue in support if a move that he's a disinterested father.

Also depending on the laws of the country you're living in and your legal status as a resident or type of visa if your household income has decreased due to the separation you might be entitled to subsidies on childcare or some other form of government support.

@HereIAmOnceAgain yes he's on birth cert. There was one time recently where the police where involved and he wasn't allowed near us for a month so I hope that will go in my favour. I feel I need to stick around sort out childcare drop my hours. I don't even want his mum minding him as he will say it was me and my mum watching him and that will go in his favour. If I can reduce my working hours I can just prove they won't text and ask to have him maybe once a month if even will his mum ask. How long do u think I'd have to stick it out for? I guess the word is trapped. He has no interest in our child but he would do it to spite me.

Firstly decide on your work, can you take paid leave?
No need to worry what it looks like or what anyone thinks.
Given his record add to it any further harassment if he causes you any.
Your going through a unsettling situation your allowed to limit what you can take onboard.
Call on your family for support.
If it comes to court I would not be scared you put life on hold temporarily to just cope and get by that by no means you are less of a mother.
This will be one of the most lonely times of your life even surrounded by people.
Take care and I hope you can board a plane and remove yourself for now.

Are you in the UK?

This sounds horrible. Is he threatening you? Log everything with police from now, you may need to build up a case.

OP well done in kicking out this man as soon as you knew he threw that Calpol bottle.. he is absolutely an abuser ...

I agree with everyone here who suggests leaving and flying home quietly asap. 🌺

I have alot of annual leave to use but I work for the nhs and its difficult to get at the minute with what's going on. I would honestly love to fly home but I can't just leave the house and all the things within it sadly he still has a key and has not yet removed all his things I just packed a few bags for his mum to collect and she's under the impression he will be coming back but I just can't take the fact he is deliberately lying to me making me doubt myself and all the evidence. My poor child may of even been in the cot and it's very likely he was. I've spent all evening trying to figure out how I can drop my hours and claim any entitlements but I'm struggling with finding childcare after 6pm. In an ideal world the baby wouldnt even go there at all to be looked after. He is so manipulative it is frightening. I feel like my options are 1) go off sick on full pay while I sort out going back home and then hand in my notice once organised but this would look bad on record plus idk how he will react once he finds out I plan to go of course he will flip and intervene to try and stop us so I'm stuck. I stick around try and reduce my hours and live of less money but then I have on record proof he will not contact me on a regular basis to see the child so after say 5/6 months he has poor record of seeing the child then I have a stronger case when he will try and claim he wants either full custody or force us to stay here. Otherwise idk what to do

He wouldn't get custody if he has a previous restraining order against him.
If he was prevented from being around you is there not social service involvement from that time?

Seriously he doesn't want your baby - he wants to control you with the fear he does.

I think you should take your child to the gp and tell them you are concerned about your partners behaviour around your baby and you think he needs checked over. If he's lost his shit enough to throw a calpol bottle I can only assume he was trying to give the baby paracetamol thinking it would calm some sort of upset and it didn't and he spiralled out of control. If God forbid your baby shows any injuries or old injuries you will be in a MUCH better place than if injuries are found at a later date and you didn't present to a healthcare provider. Plus it'll help your case against him. Sorry you are in this situation