I’m deeply unhappy in my marriage and have been for years now. There’s been no sex since dc2 was born 5 years ago and absolutely no intimacy at all for at least 4 years. I mean nothing - no handholding, no brief kiss on the cheek, no ‘I love you’s, nothing.
I got very resentful when dc1 was born due to dh not being around as much as I though he should be. He was the one that wanted kids and I was very much not bothered. As he earned 5 times what I did it made sense for me to give up work even though I loved my job. I went back part time when dc1 was 6mo but we then moved away to have a better quality of life and I had to quit. At this point DH was out of the house 6am-9pm mon-fri. I got pretty mentally unwell, told him several times I was terrified I was going to kill myself and he’d just say ‘don’t be daft’ and head off to work. I went to the GP and was prescribed AD’s, again he just didn’t want to hear about it as it obviously made him uncomfortable.
I tried so many times to talk to him about my feelings but he would just never engage. I even insisted we went for counselling but we did a couple of sessions and it didn’t seem to help at all. One of the things we were asked to do was to list some of the things that made us fall in love in the first place. His list consisted of 5 things - 1 of them was that I was always punctual and another was that I make good cups of tea. I just sort of gave up at that point.
I’ve been crushingly lonely for years now. We barely speak at all unless the dc are around and even then it’s only about superficial things like the weather or stuff we’ve seen on the news.
But he’s a good dad. He works really hard in his job, is very generous with his money and has given dc and I am amazing lifestyle that I could never maintain as a single parent. He’s not abusive or nasty at all, he’s just not who I thought he was when I married him.
I’d told myself that I would leave him after Christmas. But the last few weeks he’s been being really lovely - he’s actually sat in the same room as me to watch a film, made conversation about it and got us wine and snacks. Then he surprised us with a last minute holiday which we’re on at the moment. It’s absolutely amazing and it must have cost a fortune.
I don’t know if he’s somehow realised that I’m planning to leave. Or maybe he’s just decided it’s time to start making an effort. I don’t know. My head is such a mess. I feel like I’ve put off leaving for so long now, there’s always something stopping me - birthdays/ Christmas/ his mum getting ill/ him suddenly being nice. I don’t want to waste my life. I want to be happy but I know I won’t ever be with him. But then it seems so selfish to tear our family apart just for that.
Sorry, I know I’m rambling. I just don’t know what to do or how to do it.