Pity party - feeling sorry for myself

[Asiama]

I have a lovely DH and DS. DH has the most amazing family and I am so extremely grateful that they love and care for us so much. They treat me like their own daughter and can't do enough for DS. DS and I are incredibly lucky to have them.

Then there's my parents. My mother is a controlling, narcissistic bitch and my father is an enabler.

I feel guilty that I can't give DS the same loving family that DH is able to give him, and it particularly shows at Christmas. It makes me sad at every special occasion as they emphasise the contrast that I know exists all year round. This Christmas, we have had lovely thoughtful gifts from DH's family, some even self made by 90 year old great grandparents with arthritis in their hands! We have had emotional FaceTime calls with them. Heartfelt messages in cards.

My parents have sent money and expect me to buy gifts, but whatever I have bought in the past has made them sad as it's not good enough (eg buying age appropriate clothes for a 1 year old instead of a three piece velvet suit). We don't get phone calls as they want all communication in writing only. They want photos, but whenever we send any they tell us that they make them sad and how disappointed they are over random shit, so I don't send any (eg DS is smiling with his teeth on show, he should smile with his mouth shut).

It's at these times where I feel I really don't deserve my in-laws and DH and DS, and I have really let them down with the family that I bring on my side.

Well you can't choose your family can you? Sounds like you're lucky to have one amazing set of grandparents, and the best gift you could give your dc is very low contact with your side of the family. Enjoy what you have.

Your parents sound awful. That's not your fault and you aren't to blame for not giving your son a nice family.
Have you considered counselling and limiting the contact?
You must be lovely, your husband and his whole family have taken you to heart.

Haven't you done well to step away from your awful parents and forge good quality, healthy relationships. You're giving your son a whole other set of skills, emotional intelligence, from how you handle your parents. Don't do yourself down.

I understand. I actually had a little cry today because of this same thing. In my case though I don’t have the amazing DH family. We’ve just got selfish weirdos on all sides. I walk around my neighbourhood and see all the family togetherness loveliness and it makes me want to scream and rip my eyes out that I can’t give my kids the warm, together, happy, relaxed, loving extended family that others seem to have. I have huge guilt for even bringing them into thus world when there’s this huge void where a normal family should be. At least you’ve got 50%. And you’ve got 90 year old grandparents! That make things! That’s incredible. I’d give my right arm for my kids to experience that. You married well. Pat yourself on your back. You’ve done well and you’ve done well by your kids. At least you’re not me and given them fuck all and less than fuck all and pretty much brought them into a shit crap fest of nothingness. They’ve got people. Immerse yourself in it. Have more kids. Enjoy. Go low contact with your side

OP, it's all about the nuclear family for your son. Having a fantastic mum and dad is all that will matter to him. Having one set of brilliant grandparents is a bonus.

@Soopedup you are clearly a thoughtful and involved and attentive parent. That's what kids need. For god's sake stop beating yourself up about things you can't change. You are doing well and breaking the chain.

@soopedup I get it and I'm sorry you are in a similar position. Like you I feel jealous when I see on my DH's side how wonderful it could be and at the same time relieved that DS has at least one side that cares. If it's any consolation, as a child I didn't have any family other than my parents and it didn't upset me then and still doesn't upset me now. What does upset me is that the reason for me not having relationships with my biological side of the family is due to my mother's nature, so feels so self made and avoidable.

Thank you all for your comments, I feel much better now that it's off my chest. Wonder if I will hear from my parents today.

Name changed for this. OP your parents sound a lot like our SIL's family. We just try to make things as good as we can for our DD and ALL her family - that includes our SIL and DGCs. You re not responsible for your parents and they are your misfortune, not your fault. You have nothing to feel ashamed or unhappy about. You have your own family and a shining example of how NOT to bring them up that's all. Put it behind you and look to the future.