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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he playing games with me?

16 replies

Monicaanna · 24/12/2020 21:33

Hello everyone,
I met a man 6 months ago on bdsm website (fetlife). When I met him he was very open from the beginning that he has a partner he has a child with and they have polyamory relationship and that he is looking for ideally long term partner that would be accepting of that. His partner was seeing another man for past 2years. I agreed to meet for a little fun, but told him I am looking for serious relationship and monogamy so it would only be short term thing for me. He was disappointed but agreed. We saw each other 4 times and then I told him I’m ready to date again to find my future with someone who wants same things. He was sad, but we kept chatting. Then he came up with story that he is no longer with his partner (they were together 8 years) and wants me. That he never wanted to be poly and told his partner he can’t do this anymore and she left him, because she didn’t want to give up her lover. (This story sounds true as he was telling me on our first meet ups that he was always monogamist in past relationships). So here we are - we have been dating for a past month. I am keeping my guard up - enjoying amazing sex. But I’m starting to really like him but keep wondering how true is the story about him leaving his partner - it just came at the moment I was about to move on without him. Also if he just broke up with his partner it seems like it’s very soon to be dating someone (me). Any thoughts ? Ideas how to find out if he is saying the truth? I asked him yesterday that I wanna go to his place - so hopefully that will happen in next few weeks (we are always at mine, but it’s because he drives and I don’t and he lives quiet far)

OP posts:
Cockenspiel · 24/12/2020 21:35

Many red flags and many alarm bells..

It does sound like he changed his story to suit the situation.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 24/12/2020 21:55

So many red flags. You know the truth already

firecracker69 · 24/12/2020 22:12

How do you know he's not still with her?

OnlineMadNess · 24/12/2020 22:14

Lies

Neverbeme · 24/12/2020 22:14

Don’t trust him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/12/2020 23:33

I mean... you really aren't keeping your guard up are you? Your shagging a guy who has given you no indication he is suitable for what you're looking for. Because even if he's telling the truth, it just means he is barely out of a long term, complicated relationship and already looking to jump all in to another relationship. That's best case scenario. There are a lot of men in the world. Lots of people are good at shagging and are fun. Lots of people are actually both single AND emotionally available. Don't know how you can be arsed this one to be honest.

BlueThistles · 25/12/2020 03:32

He was already dating you... you're not someone new and you're not a rebound.. it's an already established 'thing' for you both...

give it time.. 🌺

yellowhighheels · 25/12/2020 05:59

I would be extremely suspicious here, OP, sorry.

He only changed his story about wanting a relationship with you when you said you wanted to walk away and find something that suited you more. I don't know how long you were chatting in between.

The polyamory is a bit of a red herring, there is still overlap between you and a long term relationship with a child which even if ended, I'm not sure he'd be ready to move on from.

I'd be extra suspicious as you've never seen his house. This is a big deal to me as you've no idea of his living circumstances. Even if you do go there, the partner and child could live elsewhere so it would be difficult to know for sure he was telling the truth, especially if the distance is substantial.

If you want to keep seeing him, you need to keep your emotions tightly in check and as a matter of haste, visit his house (if in a bubble etc- UK).

I wouldn't massively trust anything he suggests about only going along with polyamory to please his ex/ partner. By going online and engaging with you, he was happy enough to actively get involved in that way of life. Not saying there's anything wrong in doing that honestly and openly, just sounds a bit like altering the narrative after you said it wasn't for you.

He could be genuine but there's a lot here that would make me hang back before getting more invested. I at least wouldn't see him/ sleep with him again until I could visit his. If there's an excuse, even covid related, that would tell me what I needed to know. If he cared, he would drive you there, even if it's some distance.

Treeerex · 25/12/2020 06:05

He's full of shit OP. You are the other woman. Obviously.

I doubt he was ever in a poly relationship. He is just coming out with whatever nonsense he can get away with to have an affair.

Monicaanna · 25/12/2020 15:18

I think that in next few weeks I wanna see his home. That’s number one - they don’t live together so it shouldn’t be an issue. Obviously I’m scared that I was an affair and not part of his poly marriage. My marriage ended by my ex husband cheating so that would be terrible ...

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 25/12/2020 21:59

@Monicaanna
Before you get involved with a poly guy you would usually speak to his wife and confirm its correct even if you only wanted a short term thing.

Why would you take his word for it?
Especially as you've been cheated on yourself in the past, you'd usually have your cheaters radar on high alert.

Monicaanna · 26/12/2020 10:42

But why would someone make up story about being poly- that will turn a lot of women off ...
I guess why he wouldn’t rather say he is single if he wants to lie - that would be so much more appealing to most women

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 26/12/2020 12:14

@MonicaannaMni
Because its a perfect excuse if he is seen with a woman or you look at his social media and there is a woman in all the photos.

He doesnt have to lead a double life or hide his social media to other women who believe he is poly.

Much easier than pretending to be single

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2020 13:34

I agreed to meet for a little fun, but told him I am looking for serious relationship and monogamy so it would only be short term thing for me.

Why are you actively engaging in a 'short term thing' with someone who has you so confused and anxious about your dynamic with them?

Have a short term thing with someone who doesn't make you feel confused and anxious.

Or date with total clarity you are looking for monogamy and don't want to be in a non exclusive relationship at all.

You're putting yourself through totally unnecessary anxiety and stress for someone you know isn't getting you any closer to what you want.

You're analysing their motives and their behaviour - why?! If you're doing that then you're emotionally invested. And you know this person doesn't want what you want emotionally.

So stop. Disengage. Block, move on.

comment022 · 28/12/2020 11:12

This reply has been deleted

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

Monicaanna · 01/01/2021 00:34

Thank you everyone

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