(TW) No sex drive due to previous sexual abuse. Please help.

[fossilrain]

NC. Early 20s, married for a little over a year. I was sexually groomed by men on Tinder when I was underage (they were anywhere from 30-55). I didn't realise it was damaging until a few years later, and now something inside me is broken.

My sex drive has completely disappeared and I feel as though I would prefer to never have sex again. I know I'm not asexual for other reasons, but it feels violative to even consider penetrative sex. I do other things to keep my husband happy (he's absolutely OK with everything, he'd have a celibate relationship if that's what I needed but I want to get better for everyone's sake). But I feel dirty and like I need to forcefully remove something from my vagina whenever I consider having sex (sorry don't know how to describe it, but it's like I need to rip something out to get clean again, I think it's a compulsion).

I need to know how to combat this without counselling. I know that's everyone's first suggestion for good reason, but I've done it previously and it was damaging as I have several issues that most counsellors and therapists don't have niche enough knowledge of to be able to help (not to be dismissive at all, but I know myself and I know it wouldn't help in this case). I also don't have the money for private counselling, and the pandemic would make things a lot harder. If you have any advice on things I can do independently, that would be so incredibly helpful.

Thank you. x

Something like EMDR to desensitise you to your triggers, rather than counselling? I realise it's not something you can do yourself, but it's worth investing in yourself for the longterm benefits. Otherwise I think you can do forms of CBT yourself, but not sure how effective it would be.

I've tried for a PTSD diagnosis to get EMDR, but supposedly I don't have it (tried on the NHS though, which is under resourced so maybe that's why). I just feel a bit mad. @category12

Could you maybe do some work with your inner child? Maybe write a letter to the you at the age you were at the time it happened and tell 'her' it's not her fault, she has done nothing wrong and that she has nothing to be forgiven for or to be punished for. Maybe see if the younger you can reply.

It sounds woo, and is probably best if guided by a professional, but might be a start.

That's a lovely idea, @ChristingleAlltheWay - thank you.
I might do that tonight, I usually find writing letters to be therapeutic (though most of the time it's not to myself).

If you have any other advice in that vein I would be very appreciative. Thank you x

I'm really glad I could help. My counsellor suggested it years ago. I didn't have the... faith, guts, something to give it a shot (was too embarrassed tbh) but I can see how it would work. There was one time I said I wanted to curl up in a corner like a young child and I did try it but felt really self conscious. I suspect that could also be useful too, and easier on your own.

The one thing that did work was the at session we did. She 'warned' me the week before (she knew what I was like 🤣) and I planned exactly what I was going to draw. I think the theme was where I felt I was.

It wasn't the most artistic picture but there was so much in it I hadn't realized, even though it's thought about it so much beforehand. It was fascinating!

and I planned exactly what I was going to draw. I think the theme was where I felt I was.

Could you expand on this? E.g. was it where you were in life emotionally? I'm not sure I could conjure up more than a few stickman and a sun in the corner but that's a good idea
Maybe I'll do a letter and a drawing and really channel my inner child . Thank you

Current therapy seems to concentrate on the mind as though the trauma is of the mind. However the body also carries memory. if some one is touched in a certain way it triggers a body memory which then triggers a response which could be revulsion if that touch has been negative previously or pleasure which is then followed by guilt in the mind.
It depends on how old the recipient was and how it was processed internally.

Psychosexual tantric somatics may help in exploring this!

@fossilrain tbh I really can't remember. It was about ten years ago, mind! I do remember the picture though - I was in a cage balanced on the edge of a cliff. The strange thing was, though, that I'd drawn it with the door of the cage on the overhang, and the lock on the outside. A) who had locked the lock and B) I couldn't escape by myself, as even if I could unlock it I'd have to move towards the door which would see me crashing over into the sea below. So there was really no escape unless someone (with heavy machinery) turned up.