When to discuss “where is this relationship going”

[Geebee2]

I’ve been seeing someone for a month (about twice a week). We both are divorced. Our relationship is very sexual, but I did let him know I’m not interested in just sex first night we spent together. He seems to be into me - getting me flowers, telling me about his childhood etc. But for some reason we are avoiding the talk about things like - value, future, kids... I’m starting to fall for him now and don’t wanna get hurt in case he wants different things in life, but I feel like it’s too early to talk about that ... when and how to bring it up? I did tell him I want marriage and more kids one day in the middle of conversation, but he didn’t seem to react to it much ... I am not sure what we are. When do you know you are in relationship? Do you tell that to each other / or is there certain time frame you are automatically couple. I was married to my first boyfriend and never really dated so I find dating so confusing ...

Blimey. It’s been a month. You barely know him. Dial it right back and take a breath.

Maybe 6-9 months in. Definitely not after 1 month.

@OmarListening I understand it’s too early for relationship, but the talk about what you want in life happens earlier than 6-9 months I’m guessing

I'd have the 'Are we bf/gf/dating exclusively conversation' 2-3 months in. No point wasting energy on someone who doesn't even want to try having a relationship with you.

The one about if your relationship could lead to marriage, kids etc should be 6-9 months, once you learn more about him and figure out if he's the right guy. Remember, this is only about potential - not a promise it will happen.

HOWEVER, you should be able to ask if he sees marriage and kids in his future, or what he wants from his life (not with you, just if those are things he wants in general) now really. No point have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to get married or have kids at all, if those are deal breakers for you.

Having this conversation usually leads to the man realising he’s not onboard in my very limited experience

I don’t think you should ever instigate this convo

If he wants you and is serious about you, it will show

1 month is no time at all

He’ll run

A month and you've seen each other twice a week, so 8 dates/shags?

Chill out.

I agree that it should be within the first couple of months otherwise you're probably wasting time if you want commitment.

If a man wants you exclusively he will let you know, if he doesn't make this obvious with a conversation he's likely happy for you both to see other people.

Just grow a pair and say it so you can stop your feelings developing further if he sees no future.

No point if he doesn't want to.

One month is too soon. And I agree with other posters that you shouldn't need to even have it. In fact it's not a question, YOU decide where you'd like it to go, and then tell him. If he agrees, great. But if you don't have an inkling after six months then time to say you are only interested in long term and if he isn't he needs to say so.

I'm going to disagree and I think it's better to know upfront what you are potentially looking for, you don't need to scare him with wanting marriage etc with him particularly but that's what you are looking for, obviously you have to get to know him better to know he's the one but if he ain't looking for the same as you then you are wasting time.

As for knowing if your in a relationship, don't be afraid to ask, it's your time and feelings, he should be making you feel like your the only one he's dating, has he deleted dating apps etc

After about a month i'd be having the "exclusivity" talk but as others have said, maybe 6-9 months before having the "long term plans" talk.

It is up to you.
I had a friend who had had a string of boyfriends who hadn’t gone anywhere. She went on a first date with someone she’d been set up with, and told him there and then she was interested in marriage, kids and settling down. She says he did a big gulp and just nodded.
No-one is committing to marriage and kids after 1 date or a month. It really is too soon to know if the other person is the one, but it’s not too soon to be able to say whether you’re after a serious relationship or just pissing about.

So actually, I don’t think it’s too soon to have a conversation. If he’s up for the possibility of a serious relationship, he will know this. Sometimes, being asked forces someone to consider the question and they find they can contemplate it.

You have to be careful in wording this kind of thing. You aren’t asking him to be your husband or life partner. It really wouldn’t be reasonable to ask this. It isn’t unreasonable to ask if he’s heading int he same direction as you and has the same values - family, commitment etc...and wants to at least be heading in that direction.

If he isn’t willing to talk about this stuff then maybe those aren’t his goals or he can’t see them with you, or it’s too soon for him to think about you in those terms. And if you need him to be it hat oka e and he’s not, well then you’re just not compatible. If he’s not up for this, you’ll have to decide if you just want to keep going low key and lots of sex, or call it a day.

There’s no right answer about when to have the conversation. You should have it when you need to and I’d expect someone else to engage with it, even if the answer isn’t what I wanted.

Can you forgive your partner's past? Hi everyone I'm just looking for advice really, I've been with my partner for 9 months and admittedly he's very good to me, but last week I found out that he's been lying about his past. When we started seeing each other I was always a bit weary of a girl in particular but he assured me he wasn't interested but she does fancy him but there is no communication between them via messages etc , social media. Last week I found an email on his phone which linked it to a Facebook msg, so I tried to access it but my partner had deleted it. He swears blind there is nothing in it ,so I messaged the girl and she sent screenshots of my partner asking to take her out to dinner, but this was previous to us meeting. It's bothered me so much because he's lied and said she is attracted to him, but actually it's him attracted to her, he lied about her messaging him (which has been since we were together) then the fact that it's been deleted, also she's much younger than he is, which weird me out, then I find out he' had been messaging and liking lots of young girls pics on Facebook although it was before we met. I know he has slept with a 21 year old before which was enough to turn me off but he assured me there was nothing else.am I overreacting because it was before we had met, tho Iam unsure of the content of the msg she sent him this year, or should I be concerned that as he is a man that has seeked out much younger women and quite recently too(last year) is it a cause for concern, it makes me feel grossed.out if I'm honest.

On our second date we spoke about the things we wanted in a relationship (not necessarily with each other), we then discussed what we were starting to become at the tenish week mark. Then at six months we seriously discussed where we saw the future going.

I didn’t see the point even going on a third date if we had completely different ideas about what we wanted from a relationship.

Personally I had the chat about whether we were seeing others after our second date as it got quite physical. In terms of where are things going, I wanted to know after 3/4 months but never asked. You'll soon see how things pan out and whether he's worth it.

I disagree with the "calm down dear" brigade.

At 8 dates in and having sex you should be able to ask where if anywhere is this going and how he sees it long term.

I had the "where do you see this going" chat about 3 weeks in and we discussed what we wanted (values, lifegoals, marriage, children, careers, timelines)
It was less intense than it sounds but I didn't want to waste my time.

My (now) husband had no issue with. He cared about me and recognised my age when we met (33) meant I didn't particularly have time to mess about

Lack of reaction from him to your expression of desire for marriage and kids could be avoidance. If it is, I'd want to know sooner rather than later...

I think it depends on how old you are.

I’m 30 and have the what do you want and where are we going chat about 5 dates in. Don’t want to waste my time or his if he wants opposite things.

Dating is hard currently. I hope he’s the right guy for you. Good luck .

Take your time to decide what you want with him. If it feels good, then great, but see how it feels in another month.

Take a step back. Are you sure he is even exclusive? If you've both not explicitly said you are, that would be the biggest concern, especially as you've been sleeping with him If a guy is keen, he would often be the one to initiate the "excluive" conversation. Right now I would imagine he just sees this a convenient sex arrangement...

You talking about marriage and more kids would mean absolutely nothing to him because just because you want that, doesn't mean those things would be with him. And likewise, if he says wants those things, be careful not to jump to the conclusion he wants them with you. A lot of men who've divorced don't actually want to marry again, so be prepared for that