Unhappy Christmas eve

[again2020]

Just wanted to rant really.

My partner has been drinking so much, staying up late and keeping me awake. My daughter (3) wakes up regularly at night and I'm the one up with her. I cherish my sleep as I have depression and anxiety and it helps me. I wanted to go to bed last night (at 11:30) and he called me boring and a 'fucking cunt'. I went to bed and fell asleep but he woke me an hour later, my daughter was up just after 3am and I've been awake since as was upset.
It just feels like I can't be bothered with Christmas and seeing in laws, I can't believe he spoke that way to me. We've had a very difficult year with lots of arguments.
Do you think there's anything I can do?

Is it a joint mortgage?

@Kittensgalore Yes it is joint

Try the Rights of Women for legal advice. They're offline for Christmas, I think, but get in touch with them in January.

You've had some good advice here but just wanted to offer a handhold xx

Like someone else said, contact Women’s Aid. You don’t have to be suffering from physical abuse for them to take you seriously.

But I would consider the money to some degree because the insecurity that comes with being poor is not good for physical or mental health xx

Get advice, make a plan to leave and make Christmas as nice as you can for you and your little girl.

I've been there, it's vile. I feel for you OP. I turned up at a local charity for people affected by another's drug/alcohol use, this was years ago so pre Covid times but I had counselling with them, they put me in touch with other local services and I got out. You don't have to live like this, it's awful what your parents are saying - your well-being should come first. Even if you can't leave immediately, you could start making some plans. Good luck

I can't believe he called you that. There's nothing early about going to bed at 11.30am. Waking you an hour later would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me but his language - yeuch.

The man has to realise you need your sleep and why. Explain it to him and get someone else, someone whom he respects, to explain it again.

Why are you with this excuse for a human being, apart from your daughter? I suggest you sleep with her and he sleeps alone from now on.

I cannot understand why on earth your DP gave him all that money ,and seem to expect you to be treated like dirt so they dont lose any cash!WTF ? Pleas speak to Womens Aid/Solictor ASAP in the new year.They cannot possibly expect you to put up with this just to protect their deposit.

OP that was me !
This year I'm sitting quietly with ds watching a xmas movie and thinking about a glass of wine soon.
I spent too many Christmases/ birthdays / special days walking on eggshells with tears in my eyes
I did leave him and he's done the same to a couple of girlfriends since, so he will never change
I am / was financially in a similar position to you , find a good solicitor. It took a very detailed letter to scare him away .
My son was 3 when we split , I couldn't bear the thought of him witnessing his dads behaviour towards me .
Make this year your last with him

Rub his toothbrush round the toilet rim. That'll give you some peace for a day or two. Diorhea's a wonderful distraction.

That's rotten. I wish I could take you in for Christmas

I was the child in that situation.
I still get irrational anxiety around Christmas time...it seemed to act as a trigger for my dad's drinking and bad moods.

I echo the others that are saying leave and worry about the deposit money later.

Are both your names on the house deeds not just the mortgage?

Can you safely use MN? I mean, is he monitoring your phone? If he gets a whiff of you being unhappy enough to reach out he might get even more nasty and bullying. Delete searches etc.
You mention legal costs, I have read on MN that some firms offer a free half hour for advice. i think you need proof of identity for this. I hope others can give more specific details from their experience.

Please make 2021 your year for breaking free from this awful man. Get as much legal advice as you can and make a plan. You are working?

Hi all. I hope you had a nice Christmas. Sorry I've been offline since my last post.

Well yesterday was ok apart from at night. I didn't mention...I take anti depressants (mirtazapine) which make me drowsy at night.

It was 11:15pm, I'd been up since 7 after having only had 3 and 4 hours sleep on the two nights prior respectively.

He wanted me to stay up longer and drink with him. I was a bit tired and stressed and said 'why do you always do this, I just want to go to bed, it's a been a long Christmas day'.

Well, I was sat next to him and he pushed me roughly away called me a fucking horrible cunt and said he hoped I'd cry myself to sleep. WTF!
He also said if ruined Christmas (how so) and that I wasn't going to his sister's today. I heard him banging things around in anger afterwards.

I don't know what to do now. If he won't let me go to his sister's I'll just text her explaining. I'm sure they won't take his side over this.

There's no salvaging this is there?

I'm terrified of loosing my daughter. She seems to prefer her dad 🙁 x

Why would you want to salvage a relationship with this bully? You need to start the ball rolling and leave, life is never going to change, it will just get worse. Do you parents know how he treats you?

How old is your dd?

Dc often "fawn" over the less predictable parent, not because they love them more, but because they're trying to make that parent like them. It's rooted in survival strategy. Take them out of the unpredictable environment and they're free to relax.

So sorry you're going through this at all OP. And even more so at Christmas.

His behaviour towards you is awful. And it doesn't sound like your parents are being protective over you or their grandchild.

Please take good care of yourself and your little one. And, if there's help available from elsewhere, please do what's best for you both.

@userxx To convince myself and him (as well as my parents) that's I've done everything I can. Also I'm scared of him wanting full custody of my daughter and getting it.

@category12 She's just turned 3

1. that's a common age for dc to play favourites with parents - "I want daddy and not You!" etc - it's a stage and it's not about actual preferences.
2. as I say, fawning over the parent who is less constant, who is more unpredictable in terms of mood /behvaiour comes from survival strategy. The trusted one doesn't need the extra attention, because the child knows they're to be depended on to look after them.
3. Very unlikely he would get residency of your child. Why do you think he would? You're primary carer, aren't you?

[quote again2020]@userxx To convince myself and him (as well as my parents) that's I've done everything I can. Also I'm scared of him wanting full custody of my daughter and getting it.[/quote]
You could bend over backwards and still he will be a nasty bully, nothing you can do will ever change him. The only thing you can do for yourself and daughter is to leave and build a new calmer life for yourself. You must be walking on eggshells most of the time and that's no way to live. You need to get legal advice first and take it from there, start getting plan B into action. Life is far too short to be living this way.