He was/is abusive arse, so why do I keep getting tearful about divorce?

[MotherForker]

We are divorcing at my instigation. He has been emotionally, financially and sexually abusive for over a decade and although recently shaped up (under threat of divorce) I'd had enough.

Were still living together while we sort housing, we have 2 dc (they don't know yet) and it is pretty amicable. More so than before!

But I keep getting waves of sadness, crying snotty tears about the whole thing. Even though I know I don't want to be with him. I think I part it's the anticipation of telling dc and how upset they'll be. And the feeling of failure.

You’re not a failure, you’re a brave woman setting good boundaries for yourself and your children, and modelling to them that they should have high standards for themselves in their future relationships.

It’s natural to grieve the loss of something - in this case, the loss of the relationship you hoped it would be when you agreed to marry him.

Good luck in your new life, OP. It might be hard right now but I bet you look back before very much longer and realise how much happier you are without him

I cried when I ended my marriage with my exh. He like yours was abusive for years. You are lucky if he is amicable . My exh made it as hard as he could with constant threats and bullying. He does not understand why I divorced him, he cant see he did anything wrong. He is still abusive now. And I have been divorced almost a year and I ended the marriage nearly three years ago. (We stayed living in the same house for 18 months which was hell and i had to sleep on the floor for the duration).

If you can stay amicable it is better for your kids.

I think it is normal to grieve your relationship even if it was not a good one. Dont be hard on yourself and let yourself grieve it. Take one day at a time and you will get through it. One step at a time. And you will come out the other side and find your peace.

It's still sad you had hopes and dreams and got something very different.

Grieving is completely normal.

Glad it's normal and I'm not going mad. I know it's the right thing. He's in the process of buying a house and when that's done he will be out. I can't wait.

It will be hard. My ex was physically and emotionally abusive and constantly made me feel worthless. When he said he wanted a divorce in one argument I said yes let's do it. I still felt like shit. We have a good relationship now and get on really well as friends but I miss the life we had and the future we had planned. You're grieving for what you thought you would have in the future too. In the long run it is better to leave a bad relationship and you come to realise that but it takes time.

It's not surprising that you're sad and grieving, it's the end of an era and an end to your dream of a happy marriage. Nobody enters into a marriage thinking that it won't work. I hope you start to feel better soon. Once you are physically separated then you'll have a new start.

You haven’t failed at all and you’re doing your children a massive favour. You’ll be sad because this isn’t what you wanted and you’re grieving what could and should have been. It’s ok to feel sad but press on because the best is yet to come💪

Stbxh has been grumpy today and snappy and tonight said its because he's not coping with this being the kid's last family Christmas. He said he just keeps thinking about what is going to happen. The dc don't know yet.

Not easy but sounds normal.
My exh was like this too

Sending a hug 🤗

Oh love, it’s the death of hope.

Hope that he’s ever going to change, that it’ll ever get better

It passes, it gets better. Be your best friend, be the kindest you can be to yourself and you will, I promise you will get there.

He did change, he started doing everything right. But it was too late. I took the dog for a walk and had a good sob in some fields.

Thing is.. it’s an act. You know this

I know how this feels, it’s crap, giving up on the marriage/relationship is always hard, even when amicable, but when you’ve been effectively cheated, marrying someone who wasn’t who he said he was, it hurts to give up the thought that you’re wrong about them and they will be nicer if only you do x or y

As soon as they could slip back into old ways they would. You’d never trust him again, and be right to.

Im in a similar situation. I decided to leave my ex just over a month ago, he was emotionally and sexually abusive and a constant liar. A child of our own 3 years old. Only difference is we didnt live together as he worked 2 hours away so he only came on weekends. I felt happy that id done the right thing at first but the grief kicked in, and it was made harder by the fact that he seemed to be happy we had split up. I think hes already found someone new.
Hes been round today to take son to his parents for christmas and im now alone in bed, he messaged me before saying we will make fantastic co parents and this hit me on the gut for some reason and i dont know why. We are amicable but in a way even though I know thats best for our son it feels strange how we can be all happy when we are together but separated but as a relationship its bad.

I take what I said about my ex back, he is a twat. He tried to ruin my Christmas last night, called just to try and argue with me. Told me I'd pushed all my friends away(but wouldn't tell me who), told me that when I go out I constantly quiz people about him(we've been in lockdown most of the year so not sure his I've been out to do that) and that we're never getting back together. He was actually rather horrible. He is going to get a nasty shock when the divorce papers hit his door mat in January. The only friend I've pushed away is the one that seems to be dating him and sat there sulking all night when we went out for my birthday.

I think he thinks that because I haven't dated anyone since we split I'm still pining after him. I'm just really picky and spent time finding out who I was again. Now I'm actively trying to find someone but lockdown has made that hard.

Whoever said loss of hope hit the nail on the head for me.

Sending love!