When your perpetrator/abuser says they are the victim?

[Pebbledashery]

Why do they do it?
I struggle to comprehend it. As if abusing you, grinding you down into nothing isn't enough. They have to insult everything you've been through by quantifying the fact they are the victim..
I don't understand it.

DARVO
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

Classic. Don't get too wound up in it. Once you see it for what it is, it loses it's power.

Hugs OP, what happened?

Btw.. I'm just getting over a giant DARVO from my wretched mother 2 days ago. I really think I'm done this time. So I totally understand how you can get sucked into these scenarios. Sick people.

I was in a relationship for years with a man who did this. It’s just part of the whole abuse. Get out and get some therapy. Therapy really helped me.

Oh I've been darvo'd so many times by people who were ostensibly my nearest and dearest, it's water off a duck's back to me. They can cry their crocodile tears all they want, I'm not listening.

To answer your question, they have to believe it in some way to be so convincing at it. The type of people that always, always centre themselves in every situation, well, any change to that (ie, their victim puts up boundaries and refuses to play their games) is perceived as an attack and therefore they are a victim.

I'm so glad I've seen this thread, split up with my partner as yet again he has been abusive. Spat in my face stole my phone verbally abusive infront of my children to me and then turned it around that he is the victim. It makes me feel I'm going crazy sometimes as I start to believe maybe I shouldn't of done that and he wouldn't of behaved this way.

My abuser makes out I was the abuser. Still to this day over 20 years after I escaped. He did it originally because he was scared I'd out him for what he did to me, so he could go "she's only saying that because I've told everyone how she abused me". Trouble is they don't change...so they go on to abuse their next partner/wife. And mine did over and over again. It's become obvious he's the problem.

Simple back story is we fled severe DV earlier this year. We had children's services assist in relocating us to safety. My ex perpetrated the most awful abuse to me.. To give you a small idea.. I now have a huge bald patch as a result of my hair hanging from my scalp from the last significant assault. I've had every possible agency involved in our lives, child protection, DV agency, police, MARAC.. We're now in the midst of children's proceedings with the family court.. Its literally a mirror image of everything I've alleged... My allegations are substantiated.. He's even told the cafcass family court adviser that I am the perpetrator of abuse towards him.. I struggle to under it.. I can't quite get my head around it.

@misskick please don't go back.. Please believe me when I tell you it never gets better.

Aw Pebble, that's horrible. Thank god you've got services on your side with substantiated evidence x Good luck.

And this is why I struggle with all the Narcissism theories.. if they are just evil lizards, and they know they have to put on an act with others, why do they drop the act with some people? How do they think they are right? My mum is obsessed with her public image yet I could take her down in an afternoon of phone calls to folks she kisses ass to. I wouldn't waste my breath but I also don't believe for one second these people are not in control of themselves. When you get the chance, dont give them an inch- never let your compassion, as a great, lovely person, let them get away with anything. Never xx

I'm so glad you have had the courage to leave the relationship and get the help and support you needed. So strong and amazing even if you don't feel it right now!

I stupidly have forgave him for far worse in the past had help with social services etc, went through the courts. And sadly although he isn't as bad as he used to be which has helped me grow stronger, he is still abusive.

Did you go through the Family court for him to get contact? What contact did he get in the end?
The whole process is making me feel so sick and I'm only at the start. We have a fact finding listed next year.
He's going to swear an oath and lie.. And he's going to know that I know he is lying!!

Brace yourself, @Pebbledashery. This will not be an easy experience. My advice is to refuse to engage in anything other than the substantiated and evidenced facts of your case at all times. Always talk about your desire to keep your children safeguarded. Do not get involved in any contact with him under any circumstances - ignore texts and emails from him and always communicate via solicitors or social workers.

The system is stacked against DV victims horribly, but if you can keep a clear head and a laser beam focus on facts and facts only, you may have a good chance.

Also, lock down your social media immediately and do NOT mention anything about him, or the case, or basically anything at all, until it's all over. Be prepared for your name to be dragged through the mud, as it sounds like he's going to try.

I've come across that.

All I can think is they do feel abused but not by you, probably something in their past but they offload it on to you.

Run a mile, not your problem.

@jessstan1 I'm still running but he's catching up on me.

Sorry op, my children are not my abusers biological children. It was court due to abuse. Don't want to put too much detail as I don't want it to be outing! The courts will be believe the evidence not his lies they will see through them. As hard as it is to believe have faith x

Unfortunately I think that's part of the abuser psychology. In human history I doubt there's been any abuser who takes full responsibility for their actions and who doesn't see themselves as the actual victim in some way.

@misskick really hope so. Feel like I've lost hope in the family court system.

It was control and emotional/psychological abuse in my case, nothing physical, but he also said it was me, and for a long time I thought I really was mad and that I must be unaware of my tone and behaviour. I had no trust in my memory of events and struggled to know what was right and what was wrong.

At least you're out of it, you know the truth and anyone who has dealt with abusers before will know this is something they do. Good luck with it all, I hope it doesn't drag out too long for you.

@Pebbledashery I've posted on some of your other threads as I'm dealing with a similar DARVO abuser, no DV in my case but very long term nonstop lying, bullying and controlling, poisoning the children's minds, neglecting their needs and then pretending to be dad of the year. It's so vile, it's hard to believe it's actually happening.

Just want to offer some support, even if remotely. You're doing an amazing job for your child, but are you looking after yourself? Are you getting therapy of any kind, if not, would it be an option for you? I'll be starting EMDR in the new year, it's given me a small psychological boost to face the upcoming court battle.

The family courts appear to be obsessed with maintaining contact with both parents, even when it's clearly against the children's interests. My therapist confirmed this.

What does your lawyer say about getting independent psychological evidence of trauma, for your child?

The Family Court are "contact at all costs" I have read there has been greater intervention to protect victims of DV.. but yet to see that.
An example is, CAFCASS noted quite a lot of safeguarding risks towards DD and me if he was to have contact.. and in the safeguarding letter made no recommendation for interim contact of any sort... Judge at FHDRA went AGAINST that and ordered contact.. all contact sessions to date we've seen each other when there is a NMO in place and he's behaved threateningly towards me.
So I took the decision to stop the contact in the manner it was being facilitated and asked to transfer to a contact center - he has outright refused and wants it to continue in the unsafe way it's currently been facilitated (Can't say how it is as it's very outing) I haven't stopped the contact, I am just not safe in the way it's being facilitated and have sought different alternatives, I even offered him an additional day on xmas eve today but he refused.
His refusal tells me his intentions are NOT to see his daughter - a true father who sought contact would take absolutely anything to see their child.. I know I would! maybe that's just me!!
Anyway, if you don't hear from me in the New Year.. the Judge will have probably committed me to prison for breaching the court order!

Oh op, I am so sorry this is awful

It's really awful :(