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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can someone you marry disrespect you so much?

7 replies

Imarriedacheat · 23/12/2020 21:24

My exdh had the stereotypical affair with a colleague last year. He left and carried it on with her then came back saying he was confused etc so I let him lead me on a merry dance and a few times I found out he had still being in touch with her then he stopped contact, said it was me he loved but weeks later reverted back to hot and cold behaviour. I’d had enough at this point (finally!! I hear you say) so I told him to leave. He said it was nothing to do with her but he’d given it his all and just couldn’t fall back in love with me (even though numerous times he has sworn to me he does). Yesterday a friend of mine saw her going into his house.
I’m just not n absolute shock. All this time I have defended him and really tried my hardest to see the best in him, but how could he do this to me? How could he disrespect me this much? All I can think of is what our daughter would think of him if she found out how he has treat her mother.
I really wanted to remain amicable with him and I feel like his constant lies have put a dampener on that. Part of me wants to go crazy at him and also inform her of everything but I won’t. That’s not what’s best for my kids.

OP posts:
Sparky888 · 23/12/2020 21:32

Sorry to hear this. At least, you can say to yourself, and know, that you tried everything. He really is a shit. Now you need to just look out for you (and your kids). At least you truly know now.
What a shit.
Best of luck to you.

SandyY2K · 23/12/2020 21:39

You know I sometimes think this when I watch true life crime of spouses killing their spouse. I wonder how you can treat someone you married like this.
The way love can turn to hate...or sometimes it's greed, jealousy or other issues.

Affairs can change people's behaviour and the crux of it is the sheer disrespect and lack of regard one has towards another.

Why were you defending him after you knew he had the affair?

Imarriedacheat · 23/12/2020 21:44

@Sparky888 yes I’m glad I can say I tried to make a go of out for our DDs sake.

@SandyY2K it’s just hard to fathom isn’t it!!
That’s something I’ve thought a lot about and my therapist believes that I was trauma bonded. I wish I’d known this at the start as I feel like I’ve wasted so much time but I can’t change the past and I’m looking forward to 2021 and focusing on me and my baby girl

OP posts:
Socialbutterfly198 · 23/12/2020 21:57

Be relieved the trash is gone!

VivaVegas · 23/12/2020 22:05

My exh did similar after 25 years together, was fine with me when I was still trying to fight for our marriage (stupid in hindsight) but as soon as I'd had enough and exposed him to both our families and friends for what he'd done and refused to take any more crap from him he turned so nasty against me. Blames me for him having an affair, all my fault apparently. Tries to play the victim constantly and says I'm a psycho.

I honestly don't recognise him now, nasty acrimonious divorce and our DS knows we hate each other.

It's horrendous.

Imarriedacheat · 23/12/2020 22:26

@VivaVegas that’s what worries me, that if I let on I know and go crazy at him that he will turn nasty and that’s the last thing I want or need right now.

OP posts:
VivaVegas · 23/12/2020 23:21

I can't believe how awful he has behaved and shows no sign of remorse whatsoever. I nearly had a breakdown over it all, lost loads of weight, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and struggled to cope. He didn't care at all, just happily went off with his colleague.

I don't think I've ever hated anyone as much as I hate him.

In hindsight I should have got rid of him quicker than I did and spared myself some heartache.I think the sooner you cut them off, start putting yourself first and build a new life without them the better.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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