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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love of my life got married

29 replies

FancySomeChips · 23/12/2020 21:10

On Saturday. tier 2.
I am broken.
Known him for 24 years, been friends, more than friends, boyfriend and girl friend (several times), and I guess I just always hoped deep down that we would end up together.
He didn’t even tell me he was engaged, we saw each other lots in the summer. A year ago he was asking me out but I had just split up with my ex and I didn’t want to add rebound status to our already tricky relationship.

Urgh why why why.

No idea why I’m posting, I think I just need to vent.

OP posts:
crapcrap · 23/12/2020 21:17

Ah @FancySomeChips how horrible for youSad I hope you can find some way to take your mind off it.

As much as I hate the saying, everything happens for a reason.

I hope you feel better soon!Thanks

Honeyroar · 23/12/2020 21:51

You and he broke up several times. You weren’t quite right for each other or you’d have worked.. You’re going to meet someone in the future that it does work with, like he probably has. And your ex will still be your friend. But you need to stop telling yourself he’s the love of your life because he isn’t- he was the best so far.

Lurcherloves · 23/12/2020 21:56

So sorry

ktp100 · 23/12/2020 22:20

Nothing worse that unrequited love.

If you've already broken up multiple times over the years it's highly unlikely you're meant to be with him, OP.

It sounds a bit like you've romanticised the relationship somewhat. I've been there. It's absolutely shit, BUT there's a whole life for you on the other side of this, with someone you really are supposed to be with and sitting around moping for someone who clearly wants someone else is just going to kill your confidence.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but, like I said, I've been there.

Time to move on, hun. To BETTER things!!

CharlottaCarlotta · 23/12/2020 22:25

I’ve been in your shoes & it really hurts, I’d like to say time is a great healer and maybe it is a bit. I’m still not 100% over him all these years down the line I still miss him terribly.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2020 22:26

That's quite mean of him not to tell you. No wonder you're devastated.

Sundance2741 · 23/12/2020 22:26

He has done you a favour, though I know you won't see it like that now. You have the freedom to move on, as he's no longer available. He can't have really respected you if he didn't tell you he was engaged.

ballsdeep · 23/12/2020 22:30

@Viviennemary

That's quite mean of him not to tell you. No wonder you're devastated.
This
Labobo · 23/12/2020 22:49

You wouldn't have broken up so often if he'd been right for you and you would have gone back to him not seen him as a potential rebound when he asked you out if he was the right man for you. Move on.

MixMatch · 23/12/2020 22:55

Sounds like you've always liked him but doesn't feel the same about you and you've had a false rose tinted image of him all this time. How could he not tell you about the engagement despite seeing you all this time?? How come none of your other mutual friends told you?

The whole thing with this guy sounds like one of those unhealthy dynamics where you both got on well enough and fancied each other, but for him you were an 'easy option' woman for fooling around with/sex/relationship comfort because he knew you really liked him so will always be an available back up option. If he loved you there's NO WAY he would marry someone else, let alone propose to them. He would have waited for you to get over your ex. Sorry OP but I think he's done you a favour by revealing his true colours. Men move mountains to be with a woman they truly love.

xmas20 · 23/12/2020 22:57

Eurgh op, there's nothing worse. 'The one that got away' I think a lot of us have one.

However, if you were genuinely meant to have been together, it would have worked out.

As someone who came out the other side of the same situation, you will find the person you're actually 'supposed' to be with. I hope you look back when you're happy and fulfilled in other ways and are glad that it never worked out with him.

Sending a hand hold, cos it feels really shitWine

alex1889 · 23/12/2020 23:01

Oh OP, I know it hurts. Like @xmas20 says, many of us have 'that one who got away'.

soopedup · 23/12/2020 23:12

Oh no :( that’s really sad. Let yourself grieve. How old are you? Time to get out there and find another love

Original poster
FancySomeChips · 23/12/2020 23:13

Thanks everyone.
I don’t know why he didn’t tell me, I spent enough time at his in the summer and there was no sign of her there. All very strange. She cheated on him and walked out about 18months ago so to discover she’s back and they’re now married was a shocker.
We don’t have any mutual friends anymore, not any that I am in regular contact with at least and he’s the only person I’ve really seen this year other than my family and work colleagues, due to COVID.

I get that if we were meant to be we wouldn’t have broken up in the past, but because we have never argued or had a big dramatic break up (first time I moved away to uni, second time he moved for a contract abroad and I was in a pivotal point in my career blah blah blah), this finality has smacked me right in the face.

And just before Xmas when I’m going to be spending it alone isolating.
Fuck this year!!!!!!!

OP posts:
SkySports · 24/12/2020 00:04

Oh no, that must hurt.

Flowers for you

Sssloou · 24/12/2020 00:05

I doubt it is final - if she cheated, they broke up 18 months ago, he was pursuing you 12 months ago, you were hanging out 6 months ago and suddenly he is rapidly married - sounds all a bit psycho drama - you are well rid......but I suspect he will be sniffing around again once they spend lockdown together.

2020parrot · 24/12/2020 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lineofconcepcion · 24/12/2020 00:12

@2020parrot

This happened to me years ago. I was really sad and we lost touch. Bumped into each other around ten years on. He was divorced and had unbelievably hairy ears. Just saying. Grin
🤣🤣🤣🤣😝
Sally872 · 24/12/2020 00:13

I think your safety net has got married and not telling you is a shock. You weren't interested last year he isn't the love of your life. Hopefully love of your life found very soon Flowers

NoProblem123 · 24/12/2020 00:37

If it was meant to be it would have happened. You’ve gave it enough chances. You’ve known each other long enough.
I’m being harsh I know. You title sounds so forlorn, but I honestly don’t think he was for you. You’ve lost an option, nothing more.
Now crack on and find the actual love of your life

GreenlandTheMovie · 24/12/2020 10:49

He's a car crash and it sounds like he does the splitting up/getting back together with his now wife as well.

Don't entertain him when they separate!

TwentyViginti · 24/12/2020 11:03

Yeah he'll be back sniffing round soon enough.

Windmillwhirl · 24/12/2020 11:12

I am sorry you feel so low, op. However he is not the love of your life, not even close in my opinion. You may feel he has been so far, but the real love of your life is someone who would not risk losing you forever by marrying someone else.

Perhaps this finality will allow you to really move on with your life, open to allowing someone very special into it.

That he never told you about her is strange, perhaps he wanted to keep you as a potential back up, which is never the right place to be.

I hope you have a happy day tomorrow. I have had Christmases on my own in the past and enjoyed the peace and quiet, lovely food and movies on TV. Hope you feel better soon.

unmarkedbythat · 24/12/2020 11:17
Gin Here's to moving on. Wine
dottiedodah · 24/12/2020 11:48

I am sorry to hear that .However because you have been BF/GF /friends and so on and still not managed to stay together, may mean that somewhere along the line you just were not quite right for one another Im afraid .Obv the shock of maybe knowing he is not "there" for you any more must sting .Perhaps he wants to settle down now and have a family ? Without seeming to be rude ,you must both be in your late 30s to early 40s by now. This sort of "waiting around" cannot go on indefinitely for years and years !