Dsis has been assaulted by her boyfriend but is making all the excuses for him

[Pearsapiece]

I appreciate it is none of my business what my sister does with her relationships, which is why I've said as little of an opinion as I can when speaking to her, but I don't know what to do.

Background: My sister is late 20's and her partner is 40. He has 2 dd from previous marriage. He is still married, but separated. Dsis and he have been together over 2 years.

Last Christmas they stayed with my parents and dsis partner got very aggressive to dsis, controlling comment etc and threatened to hit her.
It was all resolved and heard nothing negative about him since.

Dsis has just Rung after ignoring my video call earlier today (we usually video chat). She mentioned during general chat that life had been full of drama recently. I half asked and she half volunteered the following:
Her dp and her got drunk and he punched her, giving her a black eye. She left the house in a hurry, knocking on neighbours she doesn't know for help. The police came, arrested him, he sobered up in cells and came home the following day.

She is making every excuse under the sun for him, saying its not like him at all, it's so out of character. Friends and his ex wife have all said its so unlike him etc. Dsis has no plans to leave him and is planning to stay, saying she loves him and he loves her etc.

I've seen this before, it only goes one way. It may be 4 years down the line, but it will happen again and he will continue to control her.

He apparently rang my parents to explain and apologise too which I find odd, like he's taking the conversation with them away from her.

She is 4 hours away from the rest of us and has just been upgraded to tier 4. The poor woman is now essentially in lockdown over Christmas with someone who's hit her very recently.

What can I do if she doesn't want to listen to advice to leave him? All I've said so far is "Hmm, yea, I understand where you're coming from" etc, all the right things, not telling her she must leave etc.
If I do tell her to leave, she'll only do the opposite.

I don't know what I want from this really? Has anyone had similar and everything been fine, they've never done it again etc? I can't just sit on the side lines and watch my lovely sister be treated like this

That was long, sorry!
Basically, dsis partner punched her, giving her a. Black eye and she wants to stay, has no plans to leave.
Help me figure out what to say

I would say exactly what you want to. I would tell her That her partner is an abuser, he will hit her again, and this is only going to get worse. I would also tell her she has your full support if she wants to leave him, and that you hope she does. Send her information about the Freedom Programme.

I think I'd tell her this.

I love you
I will be here for you no matter what
Whatever you need, I've got your back
You are allowed to make the decisions that make you happy, and you're also allowed to change your mind
You deserve to be happy
I will never judge your choices even if I would make different ones

I honestly think that's all you can tell her. As you've said, if you slag him off she's going to go on the defensive.

You also know this won't end well. All you can do is be there to catch her when she jumps. The fact she has told you about the assault is encouraging - as she's so far away she could presumably easily have just not mentioned it, or if on a video call she could have lied and said she fell. So some small cause for hope there.

Good luck to you both OP.

Give her the number of Women's Aid. She might not use it but.... There is always a chance you have planted a seed.

That’s it’s her choice, but you would be there no matter what, even if she decides to change her mind, it don’t matter because you’ve got her back.

That should cover it.

Some people you can’t help who won’t help themselves.
Some people just need to know they have someone to give them the ability to leave if they choose too.

I wish I had the answer! My sisters abuser went to prison for a year for smashing her face in so much she had to have three metal plates inserted. She took him back with open arms. She has a restraining order against him, but police won't take my complaint of him living there as she needs to complain. He goes upstairs when I visit and avoids me, knows I hate him.

Show her this thread, if you can't or not safe to do that just tell her she has a way out if she wants one, and that you will help her.

To your dsis: from experience, abusers do not change. They get worse. They escalate. You are with an abusive arsehole who does not respect you. If you leave him it will feel scary for a short time, but then you will be free. You deserve better. You have help, take it.

I think even in lockdown you can still flee an abusive relationship. Tell her you are always there for her and if she needs you to come and get her or she can get to you, then she will be welcomed.

As @longtompot said: you can break lockdown rules to escape domestic abuse so she doesn’t have to stay if she doesn’t want to.

This book is about how to support people in abusive relationships: www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Her-Get-Free-Families/dp/1580051677?tag=mumsnetforu03-21.

She might also find Women Who Love Too Much helpful.

Unfortunately there is an addictive quality to dysfunctional relationships - the intensity and ecstasy of the good times is heightened because of the relief and because abusers can lovebomb like there’s no tomorrow. Plus abusers generally choose women who are very quick to blame themselves if something goes wrong.

But in the end, the best thing you can do is keep letting her know you’re there for her. And counter-intuitive as it is, avoid alienating the partner - don’t give him an excuse to keep you away from your sister.

Just say “I love you. I’m here for you. Call me anytime night or day” the next thing will be him trying to distance her from you and parents. What an awful situation. Does she work?

Hopefully he'll be Charged soon..

Ask her bluntly who will have to identify her body and what are her funeral requirements...
She is your dsis. You can and should be harsh.

and threatened to hit her. It was all resolved and heard nothing negative about him since

Mmmmm.......no. That wasn't resolved. She just accepted whatever he told her most likely. You don't just 'resolve' something like that. Threats of violence should never just get swept under the carpet.

The best thing you can do is emphasize that you are there for her and she absolutely must come to you or your parents for safety no matter how bad your relationship might become. I've heard of women who feel too embarrassed or ashamed to each out or feel like they can't after years of not speaking, so make sure she knows she's always welcome, and tell her about Women's Aid.

I think being in a relationship like this is like being in a cult of 2 people - it takes a while for some people to snap out that. Right now, she's trying to cope, trying to understand his behavior and how different that is to the image she has in her head of him. It can be a very confusing time, as well as having to cope with the distress of leaving a partner.

Tell her - when she makes the decision to stay with someone like this, the message this sending is - 'Yes, this was awful......but even though I'm really upset about it, I accept it, because I'm still here'.

He has set a new low to which this relationship can fall. He's done it once, so if he does it again, and especially if he does it the 3rd time, then he will start to see that this behavior is accepted by her and I think it'll get worse with time.

She should never have children with him, that's for sure! Why on earth did she want a relationship with a man who is over a decade older than her with baggage?? Does she have self esteem issues? Are all the guys in the local area worse losers than him?? Was she looking for an authority figure? She met him when she was in her mid twenties by the sound of it and it's still not too late for her to find new love.

Also, maybe it is the case that some men never do it again.....I have no stats or research on that, but I think it's unlikely. The things is, it's too much of a risk for a woman to take, because if she gets it wrong, the consequences can deadly.

Thank you all for your comments.

It seems he has 'love bombed' her afterwards, saying he's so shocked with himself, he loves her so much blah blah blah.
I'm conscious of sending her any information as she said she didn't want pictures of texts of it on her phone to remind her of the event, which I find very odd.
I don't see how you can stay with someone knowing that's the low they can reach.
She's always gone for older men, so 11 years (I think) is actually the closest gap she's had in a relationship. She doesn't have a healthy vision of relationships and seems to always need a man.

I wish I had said more on the call about how wrong this is. But I know she would stop talking to me about it and she needs an outlet.

Keep communication open with her. As others said don’t slag him off but call out the behaviour.

He’s trying to get your parents ‘on side’. I’m so sorry but you know she sometimes pushes my buttons.

What was your parents reaction?

I know violence is not the answer but it doesn’t stop me thinking that I’d like to send somebody much bigger &!stronger than him to punch his lights out. I know that’s wrong

Ultimately this man is in a way not the problem. It’s nothing personal with your sister, if it wasn’t her it would be somebody else. She’s unfortunately the nearest target.

You need to keep communication open until she feels strong enough to leave. This may take some time. Let her know you have her back & that you won’t judge her, you are her safe place to fall.

Like everyone says, you need to make it clear you are there for her any time. Let her know she can pack up and come to you in the middle of the night if she needs to.

As far as talking to her. I think you need to let her know that you understand she is trying to make it work but also make it clear (just once, you don't need to keep repeating it) what he did was very wrong, and something you would never accept. Deep down she will know that. She will probably get cross with you for criticising him. That's because she is creating a little world for herself where this is ok, and your criticism will be making big holes in it.

I think your main message should be that you will support her and be there for her no matter what. If you need to, talk about other things. Be there for her and listen to her.

I hope she manages to leave him.

It’s highly unlikely this is the first time op. If he threatened violence previously in front of others, it’s just the first time you’ve known about it, likely due to the facial bruising, which over Xmas she couldn’t avoid you seeing.

She’s a victim of domestic violence, and playing the age old script out “but I love him”. And he’s doing the same “ I love you, I don’t know what came over me, I’m so ashamed, you made me do it”

If she’s not willing to end it, then there is little you can do other than be there for her, because this won’t be the last time, and it will continue to escalate.

She won't want anything on her phone because he will be checking it and she won't want him to know she's told you
It's a car crash in slow motion and I do think you should tell her that you'll be there for her and support her if she needs help to leave. Staying non commital isn't the best approach, she does need to hear that you won't pressure her to leave but that you don't think his behaviour is acceptable and you'll be there if she needs help.