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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely dreading this

32 replies

mumto1toddler · 23/12/2020 18:00

My ex has came to stay with us (me and my little girl) over Christmas to form a bubble with us and just try to keep things as safe as possible. He's her dad by the way.

We broke up earlier this year and to be honest, I was SO unhappy in our relationship I should have ended it a much longer time ago than I did.

It took us a couple of months but we managed to get to a civil space, maybe even friendly but I can't bear anymore than a couple of hours with him and to be honest I am really regretting agreeing to this now. I think I felt like it was the right thing to do as I wouldn't want to be in his position and not be with our LO all over Christmas but the thought of him being here and around me constantly for a few days is making me feel really anxious.

He's only been here an hour so far and he's already snapped at me twice and I'm not a very argumentative/temper person so I just let him do it but inside I am so angry already and I know I need to just put on happy face so LO doesn't pick up on anything.

FYI - we split up because he was painfully miserable 247, absolutely no reasoning with him if I ever disagreed he just would shout or swear, he also used to comment on what I was wearing (if I had a skirt or dress on he'd say I was looking for attention when actually I just liked the skirt or dress!), he didn't like me doing anything with other people but didn't like doing anything with me either, he absolutely hates leaving the house unless for work (which is fine and his choice but wasn't happy with him having an issue with us needing fresh air!).

Since we've split he doesn't dare comment on anything these days as he knows I'll just ignore him whereas before I used to get upset.

I don't really know why I'm posting to be honest, I know what you're going to say, it's my own fault as I've agreed to it and to just get on with it - which I will... but any moral support would be welcome! (I think I'll be having a few long baths when the LO goes to sleep!).

Merry Christmas everyone!! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto1toddler · 23/12/2020 18:00

Ps I know there's many people worse off at the moment so I probably sound like an arse. I will put my big girl pants on!

OP posts:
OmarListening · 23/12/2020 18:01

If he's being a cunt already you're well within your rights to tell him to fuck off home.

FluffyFreya · 23/12/2020 18:03

Zero tolerance to him speaking to you like that in your own home. I'd give him a very clear warning, "speak to me like that again and you will be leaving".

ThisTooShallBe · 23/12/2020 18:05

I sympathise OP - I did the same for two years post split and it was hard, but I comforted myself that it was best for the DC and actually, it was! Also, just because you agreed this year doesn’t mean you have to again - maybe knowing it will be the last Christmas you share with him will help you through? Good luck

Shorthairlady · 23/12/2020 18:05

@OmarListening has it spot on.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2020 18:09

Just because you've agreed to have him stay doesn't mean you can't change your mind. This is your home, op, and he's already been an arse to you within the first hour? Fuck. That. Get your child to bed and then tell him to leave.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2020 18:09

You've started it very early - any chance you and DD can get out tomorrow without him or convince him to take her out so you can get stuff done?? When does he leave?
Agree zero tolerance. He can always pick DD up Boxing Day

ElspethFlashman · 23/12/2020 18:12

Remind him he's OUT on the morning of December 26th.

And don't do this next year. It's not a happy Christmas for your child when there's an atmosphere.

FairyontopofthetreeBatman · 23/12/2020 18:12

@OmarListening

If he's being a cunt already you're well within your rights to tell him to fuck off home.
Exactly this. Just telling him might be enough to get him to wind his neck on. If not at least you e given him a warning and as soon as he does it again call it off.
justthecat · 23/12/2020 18:18

No chance, say sorry it’s not working out, bye. You’re just going to have a miserable Christmas

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/12/2020 18:24

How far away does he live? Does he normally have DD overnight? Because if its workable I'd be suggesting he fucks off home, then picks up DD on Xmas day afternoon and drops her back boxing day.

This is a horrible atmosphere to put a child through - make sure you never get sucked into this situation again.

NovemberR · 23/12/2020 18:26

Send him home. He's hardly behaving like a polite guest who is grateful to be there.

@FluffyFreya has it right. Tell him calmly now You've snapped at me twice already. Once more and you pack and go home immediately.

If he argues tell him you'll call the police to remove him.

Motnight · 23/12/2020 18:26

Op I truly can't see how this situation won't just upset your dd.

bebarkered · 23/12/2020 18:32

Tell him to go home OP x

category12 · 23/12/2020 18:35

Tell him to go home.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 23/12/2020 18:37

I've been in a similar position when my ex asjed to move back for a few weeks during lockdown #1 in case he'd not be able to see our son. I said no, and I have no regrets whatsoever.

Tell him to leave. It won't be easy, but it will be better than having him breathe the same air as you. I hope you find the strength to tell him to fuck off Wine Flowers

Viviennemary · 23/12/2020 18:37

Chuck him out now. If he's started already.

Opentooffers · 23/12/2020 18:45

If you are in UK, could you play the covid card? He shouldn't be traveling across tiers and should only visit Xmas day really unless he's a regular fixture in your DC's life as a parent, which he could argue. However, regardless, you do not have to facilitate any visits, you should not entertain him in your own home. If he wants to see her, he should have her at his place, and if he needs a stop-over for a distant visit, that's not your problem, he needs to sort his own accommodation, it's not your job to make it easy for him, he should want to make his own efforts to see her.
I think you should of asked him to leave at the first snide comment. If he can't behave as a guest in your home, it would be totally fair to say " off you fuck,!" You are being too soft with him tbh.

londongirl12 · 23/12/2020 18:49

Just be firm with him. "We're doing this for our DD however if you speak to me like this again then you'll have to leave". He'll probably be shocked you've stood up to him if you used to cry before, and he might tow the line. And if he doesn't, then he's out

popsydoodle4444 · 23/12/2020 19:00

I'd politely and firmly tell him that unless he can be kind and treat you as he'd be expect to be treated over the next few days then he'll have to leaveIts your home and your entitled to enjoy Christmas especially after this shitshow of a year,he's a guest and should behave accordingly.

I take it your providing all the food and are doing all the cooking/clearing up etc so he should count himself lucky.

Original poster
mumto1toddler · 23/12/2020 19:30

He doesn't live far, we're in the same tier. He's never had her overnight - at first he insisted he would but to be honest I think that was to upset me more than anything as he's never even asked! (She's 18 months and I'm a bit over protective tbh! He's good with her and does love her a lot but never helped with nights when he was here so I'm a bit wary of how he'd cope, but I would let him if he asked as there's no real safety concerns just me being a bit precious I guess!).

I waited until she was asleep and sent him this message (I've came to bed and he's on the sofa... can't be bothered to go down and get into it with him!) "please understand you're here in what is now our home, I want you to feel fully comfortable and able to enjoy yourself but the bare minimum I require is respect, if you can't give me that then you need to go and you can come round for a couple of hours on Christmas Day" he said he was sorry but it doesn't fill me with any confidence tbh!

I'm going to take little one out tomorrow, I did actually invite him but he said no (why are you here then?!), only to the park or something for a bit of change of scenery. No doubt he won't get up until midday anyway so to be honest I won't see him much.

I'm glad you all don't think I'm being harsh!

Yes he is going Boxing Day, I've been very clear this is a temporary thing and I think he can see I'm so much more myself now we're not together I wouldn't entertain the idea of being around him unless I have to.

Definitely won't do it again that's for sure.

Off to get myself a wine Wine

OP posts:
OmarListening · 23/12/2020 19:38

Well done op, you're not being harsh at all.

justthecat · 23/12/2020 19:41

He’s just enjoying the comforts of your home over Xmas! He’s not even prepared to go out with you both, don’t leave him alone in your home while your entertaining your dd

category12 · 23/12/2020 19:50

Don't leave him in your home alone while you go out. He's supposed to be there to spend time with your dd, tell him to bugger off home if he's not coming. Don't put up with some lazy entitled twat dossing in your house and sleeping in like frigging Lord Muck, even if he is your dd's dad.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 23/12/2020 20:14

Oh just kick him out now. That text was far too polite and apologetic and he clearly doesn't want to involve himself. He's probably only there for the free food.

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