Hi,
I don’t know why I’m posting, I guess just so fed up and wanting to get it out, even just a handhold. I’m so miserable and don’t know what to do..
I have a 10 month old son who’s amazing but never felt so bad at home. Engaged to DP but not married. He joined the police a few days before I gave birth. He left the same job I do where you can exchange your shifts, get fixed rest days and which could have had the option for him to share parental leave with me, because he didn’t like it. Ultimately I know you can’t control someone’s job but I raised concerns with the shifts of the police, not just being able to finish if there’s work and having a young baby which went ignored. I guess I thought more consideration would have been given for the family and shorter term.
He didn’t tell them I was even pregnant until about a couple of weeks or so before he started. That said and the timings, he didn’t get any paternity leave so I’ve done the majority of caring for our son. In the early days I remember breaking down crying and begging him not to leave us because I was so scared and anxious but he insisted he had to go to work but he wouldn’t speak to his work about the situation either to see if there was any support they could give. With the situation and where family is based, I had no one else.
I later was started on medication for PND. There’s days where I want to just stay in bed and feel so guilty that DS misses out on me or he’ll remember his mummy being sad and not there.
I suppose I really struggle to let go of feeling so let down that when I needed him, he was never there. There’s also lots of other things like, I feel he’s a man child. I moved out of home to live independently when I was 19 (now nearly 27) whereas he’d lived at home until moving in with me a few years ago.
He thinks farting is hilarious and thinks it’s great to smell it. He’ll say he can’t help it and it just comes out.
He leaves his clothes on the floor once worn and nigh on has a tantrum if I say I won’t do his ironing. He’s never ironed his own clothes and won’t learn, just says he can’t. He even made a comment once about how he had to go to work with unironed trousers, because I hadn’t got round to doing it. If he gets changed in the day, he’ll then leave out the clothes he was wearing and have 2 sets of clothes on the floor. He leaves shoes all over, especially now, covered in mud or leaves flip flops at the door in case he needs them as why would he put them away in the cupboard about a second away from the door, to get them back out every time?
He’ll bring loads of crap scraps of paper home from work in his pockets but instead of binning them, will just pile them in his work storage box in the wardrobe or he just won’t empty his pockets.
If I ask for a lie in with all the times I’ve had to manage alone, he’ll say that there’s two of us there so that doesn’t mean anything and we both have to get up.
I’ve gone part time (but going back full time as I can’t stand being in the house constantly, the loss of earnings and my job which I love) so he’ll make comments about how he hardly has any money because he’s had to fund me.
All he wants to do on an evening is lie in bed because he likes his ‘comfort’ and loves to massively eat sweets, crisps, takeaways and rustler burgers. The annoying thing is, he can cook but blames his lack of healthy eating on me (I just don’t eat vegetables) so says he won’t cook them for himself only.
He’s still very much in the mentality of lads holidays and nights out but they always end with him being sick on himself, the floor outside or once he gets home and I have to put him to bed, not something I want to be doing with a young child if the COVID situation ever changes.
We don’t have a sex life really and if we do, he’ll complain if it’s going to take any amount of time and thinks touching me for about a minute is appropriate enough to get things started. He doesn’t always shower every day and wears the same clothes for days on end.
I don’t feel I can rely on him to do anything, the phrases of choice are always - ‘I didn’t see’, ‘I forgot’ or ‘I didn’t know/think’. This makes me exhausted because I feel I have to think for him and plan everything in advance.
He’s now decided he hates his new job and is off with stress. A large factor of that is he’s saying he has soaked up everything that happened with me. Him being at home all of the time is making things even worse as I feel almost ‘the ick’. He’s thankfully good with money in terms of always making sure the bills are paid and he put his savings into buying our home (I could only put in my old house as a part ex which had no equity) which makes me feel massively guilty for thinking of leaving and the thought of leaving him with nothing savings wise. We constantly argue and I’ve never felt this miserable; I don’t want our son to grow up around that. He is a good dad but I just feel things aren’t right with us and don’t have a clue where to start. Sorry for the rant this turned into!