How to bring up my parents drinking?

[Jinglebellbop]

NC'd for this

My parents have always been big drinkers, I believe them both to be alcoholics. Things have got worse this year - they are in their 70s, retired, and they've had nothing to do this year because of Covid. There is more sadness they are having to deal with, too, because we had their first grandchild this year and they've only been able to see them a handful of times.

Now I don't live with them, it's difficult to gauge accurately how much they are drinking - but I suspect it's a lot, and every day. Drink has ruined more family gatherings than I can remember. Growing up, it poisoned our household, it permanently changed me and my siblings and caused issues I am still grappling with today. Home was never a safe space for us.

We are terrible communicators and we have never really talked about it as a family. I feel like that should change. I am worried about their health, I worry about the way it will affect how they interact with my child - I wouldn't, for example, trust them to look after them without me there. I dread every gathering or phone call because I have no idea how drunk they'll be. Drink makes them both vicious, spiteful, sad and vulgar. It's a horrible atmosphere to be around and I really dont want my child to experience what I did.

I know you can't change a drinker without them first wanting to change, but I increasingly feel I can't just sit around silently ignoring all the 'incidents' and saying nothing.

Has anyone ever broached this subject with a loved one, or had experience themselves of someone talking to them about their drinking?

Thanks.

Kindly, if they're in their 70's and have been drinking like this for a long time, it's very unlikely to change. I would certainly go low contact with them though.

Honestly? I don't think you can. They will either deny they have a problem or be offended and angry. You say drink makes them vicious and ruined your family life in the past so they are never going to say, 'you're right darling, we should cut down, thanks for bringing it up.'

Have you tried al-anon for support? It might help you to have a think about your boundaries with them and what you'll accept, rather than 'incidents' happening and you ignoring them. You cannot control their behaviour but you can control your reaction.

They don't sound like they'll be receptive tbh

My parents are excellent parents and definitely don't get drunk or embarrassing but they do drink way more than health limits eg a bottle a night each and this has escalated in lockdown with nothing else to do I'd say. I do worry for health reasons.

The way I'm planning to tackle it is to suggest doing dry January together and hoping they'll see the benefits. I could honestly do with cutting my drinking too although it's nowhere near as much as theirs it is a crutch. I have a friend of theirs roped in too.

You could try that suggestion. Dry January is a very culturally normal acceptable thing these days.

Similar to my dad sadly. I simply don’t let him drive us anywhere and don’t leave my kids with him - even though quite grown up now!

I recently spent 2 days with my mother. She has always been a big drinker. I have persistently told her the reason I see her so infrequently is her drinking. The first evening, she was so drunk she was mumbling incoherently into her dinner, which she refused to eat til 10pm. She refuses to eat first, which would stop her getting pissed. I doubt I’ll go back. She won’t travel here alone so tough shit.

Your parents won’t change, OP, forgive my rambling. You need to minimise how they impact on you, because they won’t minimise their drinking.

Thanks everyone for your reply.

@dougrossistheboss that's a great suggestion but part of me is afraid that if they went cold turkey that it would result in pretty bad withdrawal - I know you need to do it very gradually if you're a serious drinker.

@cherrysoup so sorry you went through that. It's horrible isn't it. I know that they won't change dramatically, I think part of me hoped that when they had a grandchild things might change. But I know that it won't

I was thinking of just saying something like (when they're sober), I've noticed you've been drinking more recently and you seem unhappy... But maybe that won't go down well.

I'm not being funny, but I think the horse has well and truly bolted here.

They didn't manage their drinking when you were a child when they had a real responsibility to, they're not going to for the sake of a grandchild.

Have to agree with others. They wont change now. My mum and dad the same. Dad died young through alcohol and mum still hanging in there but drinks over 100 units a week.

@Jinglebellbop having grandchildren did nothing to stop my parents. The one time they promised not to drink, my dsil found bottles hidden in her bin when she got home. They were never left alone with the dgc again.

Sorry you're having to deal with this OP. Have you had any help for yourself? Finding a counsellor who has lots of experience of addiction could be very helpful and Alanon and Nacoa for family/grown up children of alcoholics.
Re you parents, you can try but you probably already know how futile it can be. Expect them to respond with angry denial. The best you can hope is that what you have said sinks in a little bit and that you plant a seed with them.
Can you tell them what you have said on here? I know it's hard but I would take a deep breath and tell them exactly how you feel - that their drinking badly affected your childhood, you want them to have a better relationship with your dc, that you can't trust them to look after their grandchildren etc?
Best of luck!

I tried to talk to my father about 12 years ago about his drinking and he got so angry and defensive, it’s still a thing between us now.
He has drunk to excess all my life and now my mum joins in. They are both late 70’s.
You can try to talk to them but be prepared for defensiveness and anger.
I love my parents but I manipulate our visits and phone calls so we don’t have to be there at times of drinking.
They live a distance away and don’t see them that often but we’ll chat on the phone.
All it takes is a hello to tell if they’ve been drinking.
I hate it but there’s nothing I can do about it so I’ve resigned myself to adapting the relationship.

@AFitOfTheVapours thank you, I have always wanted to have a really honest conversation with them but we are just not that kind of family. And to be honest it might be for myself rather than them. I want them to know how badly they let us down...but what would it achieve? I think it's unlikely to make them think twice about drinking in future, as seems to be the concensus on here. I mean, I know people do stop drinking. They go to AA, etc. I wonder how many times it was intervention from a family member that made them go? I haven't sought counselling but have been thinking about it. Having a child myself has brought up a lot of things from the past. I just can't believe some of the things my parents did to us when we were small. I could never do it to my child.

@Aldilogue I know exactly what you mean about hello being all you need. It's like a different person takes over - and I really hate that person. I already refuse to pick up the phone past 12noon, I wonder if they've even noticed? My tactic so far as just been to ice them out when they are drunk and behave badly. It's self protection but I also feel like I'm avoiding actually dealing with the issue...but maybe it's the best course of action.

It just makes me so sad. Their whole adult lives, lived out of the bottom of a bottle. What a waste.

There are two things here - your need to express your hurt for the way you've been treated, and your concern for their health.

Ditch the second one. It does you credit but that ship had long sailed.

As for the first, if talking to them about how their drinking affects you would be helpful to you, then that's reason enough to consider it. Whether the conversation helps them change (it wont) is immaterial. But do think carefully about whether it would help. If you are wanting any sort of empathetic response from them - acknowledgement, an apology- then forget it. They'll just get angry and defensive, or deny everything. Some conversations with a good counselor may be far more beneficial because alcoholics damage those around them and none so much as their own children.