Friend stuck in abusive relationship has stopped telling me about it

[sararh]

My friend has been with the partner for about seven years. They are not married or engaged and do not have a child. They are mid-thirties.

He lives with her in the house she inherited. He does not pay rent but contributes 'an amount' towards bills. He has 'borrowed' thousands of pounds from her over the years that he has not paid back. This amount is growing. He is in and out of minimum wage jobs and smokes a lot of weed. She works full-time (from home due to pandemic) in a job she hates.

He constantly criticises her and makes comments about her weight, face, hair and the things she does (ironing isn't done properly etc.) and says (he calls her stupid and pathetic). He shouts at her.

She does all of the washing and cooking. He's into video games and 'film'. His friends apparently don't like her and think she's weird and controlling (according to him) so he goes to visit them on his own, often staying away for days. He has a particular friend who is a single woman who he has gone to see on his own.

She told me all of this in the past, when we used to meet up for drinks. I was horrified and told her she was stuck in an abusive relationship and she should get rid of him.

I assume she told him what I said/showed him some of the messages I sent with links of where to get help and he has told her I am poisoning her against him, because she has stopped telling me things, and over the past few years has stopped meeting up with our group of friends. It sort of tapered off at first, with her having to leave earlier and earlier to do the tea, feed the cat etc. even though he was in the house, then she stopped coming altogether.

I still send her friendly messages that don't mention him. She replies politely - like how you email a colleague. When things hopefully get back to normal, I'll keep inviting her out. We don't live near each other and rely on public transport (he is currently using her car for work/to visit friends and she has to ask to use it). I don't really know what else to do.

Has anyone had any experience of this or can give any advice? I'm pretty sure than any texts I send will be shown to him. I've met him, and he comes across as charming and intelligent and funny. The thought of him makes my stomach churn.

My friend and I were at school together, and she got the second highest results in the year and went to university to study a subject she loved (where she met him). She had grand plans to be a magazine or newspaper editor, and she would have been brilliant, she is so clever and funny. She's completely unrecognisable now, she has no self-confidence or drive. She's in debt herself, having lent so much to him. It's like watching someone disappear. I just wish there was something I could do.

I have had first hand experience of domestic abuse. I think just keep in touch for now is the main thing you can do. If you can physically call round for a coffee at times that would be fab. When things ease a little with restrictions definitely try to get her out and away from under his direct influence to chat even if it’s just for an hour or two. Don’t give up on her. And continue to be a sounding board for reality for her - continue to call out his behaviour that you think is abusive where you see or hear it, continue to tell her that it’s him and not her. Don’t be afraid to ask her directly about the abuse, while reassuring her that you won’t be shocked, judge her or take any action she isn’t ready to take. She knows you know and sometimes it’s a relief to be able to talk honestly to someone. But people sometimes are not ready to leave even if they know things aren’t right. A bit like being an alcoholic, deep down people know they have an issue with alcohol but sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to change.

It could be the case that she is listening more to him than you right now and is believing his poison about you being a bad influence on her etc. One major tool that abuser use is cutting people off from family and friends, however they can do it. Another possibility is that the abuse is getting worse, as it tends to as time goes on. And so as you say her texts may be being monitored and she isn’t truly free to speak to you about it or come out to meet up without facing dire consequences.

I can see this must be awful to watch from your perspective. The good thing is that it sounds like she has financial resources of her own to be able to extricate herself from this relationship as and when she decides to. And she has a friend who is not blind to what is going on who is willing to help and that means a lot.

I’m sorry to tell you, a similar experience ended, as far as I know, with the friend just committing to that life. (Not heard from her or about her since the end the story).

my friend got with someone who had a good career. But he didn’t like her having a social life, would turn up wherever she was offering a lift home, didn’t like her going to the gym, wanted her dressed in things that were buttoned up to the neck.

I gave up on her tbh, I just thought it was her choice.

Then someone alerted me to having seen bruises on our friend. So after that someone tried to meet with her and discuss it, - I was in New York then - she was adamant that the bruising was imagined and furious that anyone was questioning her relationship.

I stopped emailing etc. But the mutual friend carried on trying to communicate till one day she rang her home and someone else answered saying “they’ve moved”.

The mutual friend called her at work, to be told “do not contact me again”.

The mutual friend then contacted her parents- they went to school together, I met them later - and the parents said there was nothing to be concerned about and that was simply her choice and they didn’t think it was bad or that any abuse was going on.

Tbh if the bruise story is not real - I should mention this friend did jujitsu twice a week so it could be from that - then I can see that she might have made that choice.

You friend might have made it too, though the fact she’s giving him money is a big concern. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do. Sorry.

Keep checking in. At some point something will flip for her and she will need friends. I know it super hard when you feel a friend isn't helping them selves but you will have no idea what she is living through at home.

My ex was mildly abusive and used to give me so much grief about seeing friends. I was grateful to have kept a few close friends so when I was pushed beyond limit I had people to turn to.

I truly feel for women during the virus and isolation effect it has for abuse to spiral.

So keep doing as you do with breezy messages. If you can try and see her in person

Thanks, I will keep checking in in case she's ready to leave :(

Or ready to talk I mean. Ready to leave would be even better obviously!

That’s all you can do. You sound like a good friend.

She's an adult making her own life choices.

I'd keep in touch but keep it friendly and low key. Don't involve yourself too much as you can't make someone see things that they don't want to.

She's an adult making her own life choices

I don't think so. Quite the opposite, in fact.

From what the OP has said, I suspect that it is far more likely that he is now controlling her to such an extent that she's not allowed to make any choices, or see her friends. Or even reply to the OP's messages without him reading them.