Exes comment

[Givemeabreak88]

I have 4 children with my ex, since we broke up he has basically opted out of parenting, he has never had them a single night, not once in over 4 years, He sees them as and when he feels like it during the day, usually goes months between and hasn’t seen them in 2 months now and is using Covid as the excuse?! (He is not shielding or vulnerable ) he pays pennies in maintenance. I’ve begged and pleaded with him to be more involved but he refuses, I’ve never had a break at all because no one will have 4 children (my mum may occasionally have one or two but that’s rare) my ex said to me that I come across as bitter just because I don’t try to get on with him, I find it hard to be civil to him due to his behaviour,
I told him I am bitter because I’ve been left to do 100% of the responsibility, his response was “that’s the case for most single mums so I don’t know what your problem is!” I mean is it? As it doesn’t seem that way, I have single mums I know and all of their exes are more Involved than he is, yes it may be the case that single mums are left to do most of the work but not all of it? His comment is really bugging me for some reason. He tries to make me believe that his behaviour is normal.

Its not normal for a dad to be like this. He is clearly utterly selfish. You cant opt out of parenting! However many a man has left his kids without a care and he is clearly one of them.

Sadly I think you should lower expectations take the pennies and dont bother with him at all. Your life will be less stressful I think.

Not easy for you at all though

It's not normal but common for men to opt out completely. The flip side being that kids grow up and their dads have no idea why their offspring don't want anything to do with them.

Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it, other than go to court for contact and maintenance. My ex did the whole not seeing him for months at a time thing and it was the bairn who suffered (and me as he took it out on me) so I stopped contact on his terms and told him to take me to court. He still hasn't yet but as a result my child doesn't know who he is much.

My ex is having our DD overnight tonight and tomorrow for the first time in months. He does no school runs, homework, hobbies and moves over an hour away. He says that it’s my fault because I didn’t want to be with him. I think he’s missing out. My partner is amazing with her, she loves him and we think that my ex is making very poor choices.

You're going to have to get your head around doing all the parenting alone. It's awful. I had this too with my ex. And he never paid a single penny in child support. There was nothing I could do about it.

I was on my knees with exhaustion, and working full time, paying for childcare, paying for any help that I needed. I am over it now, nearly 30 years later, but jeez, it nearly killed me.

There is nothing you can do about a deadbeat dad. I really feel for you.

It's not fair for sure and no, it's not "normal"

Was he involved with kids while you were together? Do they have close relationships With their dad?

That’s the same for him he’s never even been to there school and shows no interest either. I just don’t know how someone can act like this and expect me to be civil to them when they do contact me and act like it’s normal behaviour.

He is a bloke defending a bloke.
If your ex thinks his behaviour is acceptable you can bet many men do too.

I wouldn't be letting him seeing the kids at all. Going months without seeing them will be doing more harm than good. Once you stop begging and he realises you are doing ok on your own he will come back around. Go though CMS for maintenance.

What a prick.

I'd reply with "Not from my experience. Most of my friends who are single parents get more input from the fathers, I guess they still want to be good dads. Unfortunately I can't say the same for you. You should be ashamed of how little you invest into your children, it's not normal nor is it kind"

It's not 'normal' but it's not uncommon either. My ex chose to leave, chose to do eow only and chooses to pay only what he has to by cms but seems to think that makes him a good dad.. And the sad thing is that by the standards of many separated families, by comparison, he is. I masdivylook forward to and need by child free time. But only by comparison with twats like your ex. Why don't you say 'no, it's what a lot of single PARENTS' do.. Would you like to have a go? I'm not sure I'd bother with the expense and hassle of court for contact since you can't make him turn up, but I'd 100% use cms and point out to him that what he has to pay goes up the less he seems them.

I’m just struggling doing it all alone hence the begging him to be more involved , 2 of my children have autism, they don’t sleep, I am up the entire night mostly, then I don’t even have a weekend or break to look forward to. He has refused to take them other than to the park for a few hours but even then he brings them back after about half an hour, I know I can’t force him to be a dad though but his comments have just got to me as all my single mum friends have free weekends then don’t understand why I’m so drained (I’m not saying all mums do have free weekends Of course) I have been with cms but he doesn’t work so pays next to nothing. My kids don’t see him for what he is, they idolise him.

I’m sorry OP.

What was he like as a father before you split? Looking at the people around me, those who engage with their kids equally prior to a split tend to be more involved after.

Those who didn’t do much (and I mean care, not the odd playtime) tend to walk away 😢

Op I really feel for you that sounds like really hard work . My ex was similar and I remember getting so frustrated and angry , I had 3 kids and he wouldn't have them all at the same time . Because I left him he didn't want me to move on so didn't want me to be able to have a social life . When I was divorcing him the solicitor did a letter telling him he had to have all the kids at the same time , (bearing in mind this was 5 hours on a Sunday if he had nothing else on. )Solicitor said he had never had to do a letter like that before it was normally dad's fighting to see their kids. Looking back I wish I had had help in dealing with my bitterness as I used to get so angry and frustrated. You cannot change people's behaviour but you can change how you react to it. Do you know any teenagers that would be willing to babysit when your mum has the other 2? Just to give you a break when life returns to normal that is.

He was different before we split but he suffers from mental health issues and they got very bad at one point (he was accusing me of all sorts of things) they got worse when I was pregnant with the youngest, it was like a light switch, he disappeared for a year and didn’t see them at all. I think he connects them too much to me and struggles to separate me and them. I know he has mental health problems so I try to take that on board but what about my own mental health because I am struggling myself.

I have one ex who has never paid maintenance for, or even seen, his child (despite us having been in a LTR when he was conceived and was planned) and another who paid maintenance for, and had EOW and midweek contact with, said child from 12 until adulthood.

First ex has never met his child. Wouldn't know him if he passed him in the street. Zero interest.

Second ex and his family still have a relationship with said child 9 years after separating and son (now 22) is going to his for Christmas this year. He has closer relationships with his step dad's partner's family than he will ever have with his own biological family!

Your ex is a twat but he will reap what he sows. Your children might idolise him now but they will see the truth eventually.

Your ex won't understand it when that happens though. Because he's "their dad".

My ex struggled to separate me and the dc too , it was hard work. He disappeared for a whole year ! Wow , did he move away or just refused to have any contact ?

He’s had some very serious mental health issues which seemed to all revolve around me. He refused to see me or them because of his beliefs at the time. He didn’t see our youngest until she was a year old.

God that's tough for you . Is he actually well enough now to have them all by himself anyway ?

I do feel for you - must be so tough but wanting him to do something when he clearly doesnt want to is adding to your stress levels. Accepting he’s a waste of time and doing it without him will be less stressful - you’re doing it all anyway. Have you got any family support - can you see if you can get help elsewhere for a bit of respite?

Do you get DLA? can you get respite care? Or medication

Sad to say the sooner you accept he is never going to help the easier you will find it I spent a good few years trying to get my ex to be a dad it didn't work I gave up he saw his eldest for 3/4 of an hour on his birthday it was supposed to be a whole hour he couldn't even do that

Oh no doubt he’s claiming PIP and spends it on himself - selfish pig!!

• it’s an odd delusional system he has? Does he have a formal diagnoses - does he use dope?

Has he sought help and under a psychiatrist. He’s useless to you and his children - I’m sorry that must be so tough. Have you got benefits for the children as you maybe entitled to respite. I only have one but I’d go mad if I didn’t get a break. Are there any charity organisations that could help - the autistic society - have you had a carers assessment via social services - you are entitled to one. Take the breaks when you can that your mum offers - 💐

I don’t know much about it only what he tells me which may not be the truth, he does get pip as he mentioned he would see them
More now that he has a free bus pass he has schizophrenia, he claims to be fine as says he is being medicated we spoke about it before he had contact again. I do get dla honestly I don’t know how I would manage without it! I wouldn’t be able to. My mum will occasionally have 1 or 2 like I said but never all 4, which I understand but I’m just finding it hard never having a single second to myself.

All men are not like this, my son was only 17 when his girlfriend at the time got pregnant. They have since split up but he has his child to stay EOW and extra times if his ex needs him to help out, pays through CMS not much as he is on a low wage but never misses a payment and buys extra stuff when he can. We also help out as grandparents, his ex only has to ask. He has done this for 4 years now, I couldn’t be prouder of how he has stepped up, he is a real dad and a real man.

That’s very similar to my friends situation, teenage pregnancy but the dad has always been involved, and his family has and he’s always paid maintenance, my ex obviously knows people that are much worse than him so thinks his behaviour isn’t that bad but he must be comparing himself to fully absent fathers that have never met their children!