Could I have done more (emotional abuse)?

[Haveifailed]

(Have name changed)
I feel a failure as a mother and blaming myself for not doing more.

Daughter is 21 and came out of a five year relationship a few months ago, or rather she was ghosted. She ended it a few times, but he would tell her he loved her, would change etc but it never lasted long. I had to pick her up from his house (parents) on various occasions in the early hours because he would tell her to f off home, one of these times was because she wouldnt sleep with him, theyd been out and he'd insulted her all night.

She came across some voice recordings recently which she played to me. She recorded conversations/arguements with ex to listen back to because she thought maybe she was in the wrong.

They were so upsetting. Examples such as telling her to shut the f up and stop crying - he was accusing her of being socially awkward with a family member (said she was standing there like a dumb f), she isnt and is very outgoing. Calling her names then saying she takes things too personally. Lots of criticism of her, snapping and swearing at her when she asked if he was okay. There was so much hatred in his voice, how could he say he loved her but treat her like that?

I think I could/should have done more. He came across as charming. Seemed generous with her, obviously in front of others but she told me that if he bought her say a can of pop from the shop she would have to bank transfer the money to him. He'd belittle her in front of his friends.

Then there were occassions when he would say he was depressed and would rather be dead such as over career choices and she would be there to help him.

I cant get these things out of my head. I keep replaying what I heard in my mind constantly. I love her so much but think I failed her.

Have tried to talk to husband about it but he just says to move on it's in the past.

Oh, bless you. How absolutely upsetting for you. I, like you, would be heartbroken if that was my daughter. You certainly haven't failed her as you didn't know it was happening. I know sometimes you picked her up in the night, but you didn't know it was that bad and I assume just thought it was a normal (but not very nice) falling out. At least she feels she can come to you and talk about it now, you must have a close relationship for her to feel safe enough to do that. I have a daughter and all you can do is show them love and support after something like this, which it sounds like you are.
Hope she's ok, and it sounds like she had a very lucky escape.

I don't think there's anything you could have done, he sounds like an abusive narc hence the "he came across as charming", I know this must be really horrible for you and your daughter but hopefully your husband is right and that asshole is out of her life forever.

Going forward I would just support your daughter in the best way you can, see if she needs therapy or to see a gp, be an ear and a shoulder to cry on if she needs it, hopefully she'll now know the signs and her next relationship will be healthy and happy.

It's shit but it's obvious you're a good mother so please don't blame yourself and don't spend too much thought on him, it's wasted energy and he doesn't care.

Hopefully your daughter will get over it and be okay, for reference I was in an abusive relationship from 14-18, he was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive and I managed to leave and keep him out of my life and then at 21 I met the best man ever, he doesn't even raise his voice to me - sometimes knowing what red flags are can be enough to stop history repeating in relationships and I hope the same happens to your daughter x

Hopefully she has had a lucky escape.
I would encourage her to read, there’s lots of good advice on this board but I can’t remember what the books/websites are called that are often recommended, hopefully someone will be along who can!

Ooh remembered one, ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft.

What your daughter has been through is awful, but neither you or her are responsible or at fault for how her ex treated her.
The only thing you can do is support your daughter and help her regain her confidence to ensure she doesn't end up with another vile arsehole

20pjsrock202023 & Worriedandabitscared.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. Im sitting here crying now reading it back. I dont think daughter wants to talk anymore about it. She said "good luck to her" to me about his new girlfriend but can tell it still hurts her. Think its because of the realisation now of how he treated her.

I too have told her she will now know the signs for any future relationship.

Guilt is a useless emotion unless you channel it into something productive.

The relationship may be over but the trauma can linger. You can support her in mending from that trauma. Educate yourself.

Other posters will have more experience and knowledge of resources. The freedom programme is often recommended on here.

www.google.com/amp/s/victimfocusblog.com/2020/06/30/dr-jessica-taylor-explains-the-real-reasons-why-you-cant-spot-grooming-behaviour/amp/

How is her mental health generally? /before? Good self-esteem and strong friendships are good protections against EA because they help us to set boundaries and identify when they are being crossed.

As the mother of an abused wife, I understand your feelings of guilt and of letting your DD down. But until my DD wanted to leave there was nothing I could do other than offer love, support and an escape route.
It was only when our DD decided that she was done did she let us know what had really been going on. Before that we just thought he was a bit thoughtless and didn't consider he feelings. For these reasons we didn't think he was right for her, but it is her life; we didn't know he was an abuser until the end.
Be kind to yourself and offer your DD all the love and support she needs.

Another one just here to say bless you and how kind and lovely you are as a mum.

No you probably couldn’t have done more then, but as others have said, now is as good a time as ever to help her recover and put in place the emotional structure to make sure this never happens again.

The fact that you wanted to help, that you wish you could have is way more than many of us who have been in toxic relationships like your dd. Many, like me, either get shoved back in, have their mother support their abuser, or get abandoned or let down in every conceivable manner.

You can help build her up! She’ll benefit from the freedom programme, she’ll benefit from therapy so if you can help her access this, that’s a massive start.

Believing her will help too.

28OppsUpsSide

Thank you will have a look.

32PopThatBootyForStNick

Thank you.

40Palavah

Will have a read of the link.

I dont really dont know about her mental health at the moment as she usually keeps things bottled up for a while before speaking with me again.

59YellowBeryl

Thank you

Your poor daughter. It must've been heartbreaking to hear those conversations played back and something I don't think I could've dealt with very well. Abusers by their very nature usually carry out their actions in private and condition their victims to keep them so. There's absolutely nothing you could have done but what you are doing now by supporting her and loving her through it is pretty much all she needs right now

01MzHz

Thank you too for your kind words. How awful that you didnt get the support from your mother 💕.

It's so hard not feeling like I failed her. I think she is dealing/dealt with it now (as much as I can tell). She is working to achieve the career she wants. I just wish I could magically erase the last few years after finding out the extent of the abuse.

I get so angry when my daughter tells me people have said to her that they were sorry about her break up as he is a really nice guy.

Get her some support. Find a DV therapist so she can build herself up so she doesn’t end up in the same type of relationship again. How on earth has he got another GF!!!

418lue8ird

I just keep replaying it in my head constantly. I wake up in the night thinking about it.
I go from being upset to angry.
It's hard to understand how easily fooled I was, Im not a naive person and can usually read someone well

I will keep doing what I'm doing and be there for her.

My first reaction upon reading your opening post was that I would want to go round and stab him through the eyes. An over-reaction, I grant you, but a reaction I am sure most mothers of daughters will recognise.
Of course you're going to blame yourself and wonder if you could have done more. It hurts like hell on earth when another person has wounded one of your children. But of course, there's nothing you could have done in this particular situation. It's just wonderful that you and she have the sort of relationship you do.

45soopedup

Because he is charming. Had i not listened to those recordings I would not have known that he was the type of person to treat someone like that.

Everyone always said to my daughter that she was lucky to have such a "good guy"and "look after him"

He kept a record of how much he spent on my daughter she told me, she equally bought him things. But he would compare the difference. He would tell family/friends what he'd spent on her.

New girlfriend has only just turned 18, he is 21. Probably someone he thinks he can control.

56EpochTime

I do feel like going round there and stabbing him through the eyes or sometimes much worse 😁. Id like to give him a piece of my mind but daughter would be furious.

A few weeks after he ghosted her (think he was cheating) he came to our house to ask for some items that were here. I could have walloped him then.

I wished I had had a mother who would want to have stabbed him in the eyes. Ditto dad and for dsis.

Instead mother and sis rang woman’s aid to get counselling for themselves because I was in an abusive relationship, both would ignore my ordinary every day messages, and my dad when I alluded to asking for help to get out said ‘nobody held a gun to your head’

Dsis transpires was in a toxic relationship herself, now that’s ended they’re all rallying around to help her.

Good for her. She’s not suffering like I did.

Sticks in my craw, but whatever.

Just be there for her. Let her know she can always come to you at any time.

I would make copies of his abusive messages and send them to his parents. Your DD doesn't need to know you did it.
Not as good as punching the little shit but he'll be called out on his abuse.

If she hasn't already, see about her getting an STI test.

Years ago, when I was a teen this boy I was seeing called me a name. We were outside. My father heard and he came flying out of the house and got in his face. The boys blood drained from his face and I thought he was going to shit his pants.
My dad always had my back. Miss him.

Oh OP you poor thing - l remember when l split up with my ex of 11 years talking to my mum and she looked really upset and said she hadn't realised l was so unhappy. I think in a way, we protect our mums by not telling them these things as we know it will hurt them too. Try and think positively - she is young, has plenty of time ahead of her and really has dodged a bullet and hopefully in future won't tolerate this shit from anyone again. Not your fault xx

23MzHz

Im so sorry you had noone there for you. I cannot get my head around parents like this. It was really shitty of them.

I do wish DH would have gone round though and given him a piece of his mind. He just thinks forget it and move on.

35RantyAnty, 46Fishfingersandwichpleas

Wish my husband had really done more. He doesnt want to discuss anything and if you the mention the ex he shuts the conversation down.

Daughter told me he spoke to his mum and step dad terribly, that should have been a warning sign. She said he used to tell them to f off for little reason. His mum though posts stuff on facebook about how wonderful her son is.

46Fishfingersandwichplease

Good advice thank you. I do think she didnt tell me to save upsetting me but i also think it was because she knew I wouldnt have been able to stay quiet.