One sided relationship

[elwoodblues]

I've been with my partner for nearly a year, officially. Before that we'd been seeing each other on and off for a couple of years, but previously whenever things started to get serious she'd call it off. We seem to get on amazingly when we're together - which isn't that often since we don't live together and don't get that much child free time. Sometimes it's several weeks between meeting up. The rest of the time we message each other a lot, which keeps us close - I probably talk to her more than any of my previous partners.

But I'm recently starting to notice that I'm putting in all the effort, and she seems totally impassive to our relationship. I'm not sure if it's just me being over sensitive, and perhaps insecure, or if she just isn't that interested. Some examples:

In all the time we've been together, she's never come round to mine - I always have to go to hers, which I've done pretty much whenever I'm child free. I prefer that in the main (feel more comfortable being the guest that the host I suppose), but it would be nice to just occasionally spend time together at my house. I've invited her over many times, but she's always either deflected the invite, or if pushed, come up with an excuse. It's got to the stage where I actually feel guilty about inviting her round - because I already know the answer, and I'm just putting her in a position where she has to come up with a reason to decline.

The flip side of that is that I always go to hers when I can. But she never invites me over, or even discusses her plans unless I prompt her. Then if she's not busy I end up offering to go round there. I feel a bit cheeky inviting myself over every time, but I suspect if I didn't, we'd never actually see each other - I'd be waiting forever for an invite, or a suggestion to get together from her.

So despite us rarely getting time together, she's still not that bothered about trying to plan so we can. We seem to approach things from opposite perspectives - whenever I'm child free, my main priority is planning things around us being able to see each other. But for her, she plans whatever she wants to do by/for herself, and I only fit in if it's to her convenience. I know she's got a busy life, but mine is equally so. With a bit of careful planning we can usually get everything to fit together. I feel like I'm an afterthought to her, whereas I always try and prioritise her.

When we first started seeing each other, our message chats were prolific - 100's of messages a day bouncing back and forth, almost instantly. Gradually that's reduced (inevitably), but it's now got to the extent where it feels like I'm putting nearly all the effort into keeping the conversation going. She always responds, but tends to add less and less to the chat, and takes ages to reply. I'm not needy, I know people are often too busy to reply quickly (even if she used to), but I know that when I'm with her she always replies to messages from others promptly.

We've been each other's support bubble since they were first introduced, but when it came to lockdown 2 she didn't seem bothered about us bubbling together. Similar for Christmas - I thought we'd be able to spend most of it together, waited for the invite from her, but it transpires she's changed her plans without even saying anything.

I know it's been a tough year, but aside from one meal out together, we've not managed to get out at all. I suggested weeks ago that we could go out for a meal together the weekend before Christmas, but she declined that, saying she'd be too busy then.

There's been lots of other situations like that too, which all leaves me feeling like I'm over committing, and she's not that bothered about the relationship. I'm quite happy with the arrangement - living apart but seeing each other when we can. We both like our own space too much to live together (certainly until the kids are grown up).

She seems less affectionate with me than she used to be too - again feels like I'm putting in all the effort there. Our sex life seems to have dried up completely too, when the opportunity arises she's not interested, but then later mildly 'taunts' me by pointing out that we never got round to it, and promises to make up for it next time. Which doesn't happen, again. I could put up with it being sporadic, just frustrating when she gets my anticipation up and then shies away from it.

I guess I just want to feel wanted/fancied, and at the start it seemed like that, but the more I look at it, it's looking more like I'm just being used to plug a gap and provide company when she'd otherwise be lonely. I expect she'd make out she's shocked (genuinely or not) if I told her how I'm feeling about it all.

I can't tell if she's just not that interested any more, scared of getting too close/serious, or if I've done something to upset her (don't think I have, I've never put so much effort into a relationship before)??

I'm wondering if she's just got used to me being besotted with her, and I'm just being taken for granted now? It's tempting to back off a bit, and not invite myself over, wait for her to suggest getting together next time. But when I've started to try that in the past, to see how long it'd be before she does, I've never let things get that far - I've always 'blinked first'. Just realised that I've not seen my friends at all this year - all my child free time I've prioritised seeing the girlfriend, not something I've ever done to this extent before. For the first time in my life, I've met someone who I really seemed to get on with on a level I've never experienced before. So I don't want to call it off, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either (something friends have suggested is happening).

I'm sorry, but she's clearly not interested. As you say, you are besotted with her, but it's obvious that she's had enough of you. You're got to have to take it on the chin and don't message. It all sounds very one-sided from the start. Read back what you have written. It's over. Retain some dignity and leave her alone.

Yeah, you know you have to pull back. You've answered your own question!

Sorry I also agree with pp. Try and back off if you can, or ask her if she would prefer to call it a day and see what she says.

Just stop what you are doing right now, back off, if she doesn't come forward then she isn't interested I am afraid, if she comes forward then when you start giving the attention again she backs off once more then stop the relationship permanently. Not worth the bother. Plenty of women out there who would adore the attention you give.

You need to move on OP. It's going nowhere. Sorry

Option 1 - back off and see what she does or doesn't do.
Option 2 - ask her outright.

Preferably I would go with option 2, lay it out on the table just like you have here and ask her. Because by the sound of it you deserve a lot better than she's giving you.

I think its possible she does like you and want to be with you but because you've always done the chasing she's in the habit of not bothering. She knows you'll contact her so she doesn't make the effort.

You could talk to her about it, ask her feelings for you, how she would like the future to be etc

Or you could pull back, contact her less and see how she responds.

She doesn’t seem that keen.

Reading your post I don't see how you can possibly describe yourselves as partners. She's no longer into you so keep some self respect and call it a day 💐

You sound absolutely lovely OP but I’m afraid she’s just not into you, sorry. Please back off then have the conversation in the new year. You have DC and caring friends, you’ll be ok.

Tempting though it is to pull back snd see what happens you are likely setting yourself up for more of this.

You could ask her directly whether she wants to continue with this relationship and explain to her what you need from it.

Or just end it on the basis that from what you've written she really doesn't seem invested in this relationship at all. Sorry.

I would say talk to her - don’t just back off because she may just be the kind of person who isn’t very confident at all this and needs to feel loved. So if you back off it will no doubt (definitely) dwindle out even though you may both really like each other.

From what you've written, it sounds as though she doesn't see the relationship the same way you do and perhaps isn't aware of how you see it - or maybe has become aware and isn't handling it in the fairest way, but just hoping you'll get the message.

I really want to tell you to just lay this out there, be prepared for her to tell you she doesn't want the same thing as you, and then try to accept that without trying to persuade her, or compromise what you want, in order to keep it going. I know how it is when a relationship is important to you and you don't want to rock the boat "just in case things could work out differently if you play it cool a little longer", but it almost certainly won't work out differently. That's always much clearer to see from the outside when your feelings aren't invested, but the truth of it is that you can't keep going like this, and she doesn't seem about to raise it herself. Talk to her. But don't settle for less than you need if she can't or doesn't want to give it.

You seem like a lovely, caring guy with a lot to offer. It sounds as though intimacy, sharing, and talking are parts of a relationship that excite you which is amazing - and this relationship doesn't really sound as though it's truly delivering that. It's great you've identified that's something you want in a relationship - now you can go out and find the real version, because there really are so many people out there who are looking for just that!

As above I cannot fathom why you refer to her as a partner, you are not partners in any shape or form. I don’t think she is particularly interested in you but she hasn’t found anyone else so is happy to keep you dangling. The best thing to do is end it, if you are not ready for that then back off and see what happens.

It sounds like she has little respect for your relationship or you OP.

Personally I would back away until Christmas is over and start reforming those connections with the friends you say you haven't seen. Avoid the drama of a confrontation or possible break up over Christmas and have a calm conversation in the New Year.

Everyone has a right to feel valued and appreciated in their relationship.

You need to end this as she’s clearly not bothered at all. To prove to yourself you are doing the right thing, back off, don’t suggest meeting up and you will see that she won’t initiate anything either. Then after say 2 weeks, tell her it’s over. I’m sorry you are going through this but she’s being really unfair and wasting your time. She should just be honest with you.

She’s just not bothered with you.

I wouldn't call this partners. You're barely scratching the door of relationship tbh!

No intimacy or affection, no excitement on her part to see you and plan around you, not bothering to text, not coming around yours or inviting you much to hers.... Huh?? Why are you with this person? What's the difference between this arrangement and friendship....?

There's taking for granted and taking the piss. She doesn't seem to have any emotional investment in you or consideration for your needs.

Ask her outright so you don't waste any more time. If she still isn't putting the effort in, just walk away. Having a connection and spark is pointless if not reciprocated - and at the moment you're not getting even the bare minimum back. You deserve someone who feels about you as you do them.

I wouldn't force her onto a conversation, I couldn't be arsed. The fact of the matter is she's checked out, you don't feel appreciated and she is putting in no effort. If she doesn't have the respect to tell you I wouldn't lower myself to force her. We provide our own closure in this world so my advice to you would be A) stop making someone a priority who doesn't do the same for you. Time to start putting you and your children only at the top of your list. Plan your life around your life not hers.
B) I know people say treat others how you want to be treated but after doing this and then being shit all over, I've adjusted that and now I treat people how they treat me. I match someone's effort, if someone shows me I'm not that important to them I make damn sure they stop mattering to me. So match her effort, which is pretty much zero.
C) be prepared for her to question you. I was with someone who pulled back, stopped making any effort and started treating me as she is treating you. After about a month of his crap I started doing the same. Putting my needs first, making plans with my friends as a priority, basically acting like I was single. It took him less than a week to raise it with me, funny that Id put up with it for months. My response was straight to the point. If you think it's ok for me to be treated this way, why is it not ok for you. I'm simply showing you the same level of priority you have been showing me. You don't like it you know what to do, either start showing this relationship some respect or fuck off and leave me alone.

I had a boyfriend in my early 20s who was besotted with me. I used him shamelessly. If I got a better offer (night out, not another date- though I did eventually get a new bf and still saw him occasionally - difficult now to believe I was like that!), I went with it. I fitted him into my life to suit me. I never wanted him long term but I liked having someone to call on and take me out and he put a lot of effort and passion into the sex.

But I didn't respect him and knew he would do whatever I wanted - until one day he stood up to me and after that I never saw him again. I was a bit sad about it but not really heartbroken.

Sounds like you're in a similar situation.

Though it could be she has just fallen into the habit of letting you drive the relationship. But she can't be that keen to be so laid back about it.

If you can't call it off, try being less available and see if that changes anything.

I think she's dumped you but has omitted to tell you 😕

She's lost interest in you. Time to say goodbye.

Doesn't sound like she's that interested. My last relationship was a bit like that, i really didn't want to have sex, would put it off at any opportunity, couldn't really be arsed with the messaging ect. But equally we got on enough that seeing them was better than spending a weekend in alone if everyone else was busy i know that sound's terrible. But i knew they wouldn't break up with me so knew i could get away with it. ( I'd like to add this was a long time ago, and would never do that now!)

Thanks for all your replies. Seems to back up my thoughts, although I suppose you are only hearing my perspective on it. She's previously told me that she's stressed about work, Christmas, money, and feeling tired. although she hasn't openly linked that to her attitude towards me. If I raise my concerns with her, I fully expect she'll give those reasons as an excuse.

There is affection and closeness when we're together, but again that's something that mostly comes from me - she's happy to receive it, but it never feels like she's bothered about giving any back (likes to be little spoon, but never tries to hold or cuddle me). The lack of sex seems quite out of character for her, so maybe there are other reasons for that, rather than just her going off me.

She is quite a 'cold' person emotionally, paricularly for a woman. In some way's that is what drew me to her in the first place - she's quite independent, but not vociferously so. I prefer that to an extent, clingyness leaves me feeling claustrophobic. But she is borderline reclusive really, even without covid and social distancing, she never really went out anywhere other than work and kids activities.

I'm quite a similar person - I'm far from being a socialite, but I do like to go out and catch up with people occasionally. I'm sure she wouldn't actively try and stop me, but it'd be nice if she ever came along. I haven't told many of my friends about her, because some of them would probably not even believe me - I'm the perpetually single one of the group, and she'll probably never meet them.

She did get quite hurt by the breakup of her marriage, although that was a long time ago now. But I do wonder if that's changed her attitude to relationships, or if she's always been so cold (it may even be part of th reason her marriage failed). Maybe she's just keeping me at arms length because she's scared of getting too close to someone else?

We're supposed to be going away together for a few days soon (always was bit uncertain due to potential lockdown rules). She obviously was up for that when we booked it, and still says she's looking forward to it, but did mention ages ago that it's when her period would be due (no idea if that's still the case though). And all our kids are going too, so I'm not expecting any opportunity for intimacy then.

I'm going to see how that goes and then deicide if things have definitely ran their course. I know a lot of you have said to move on and find someone who does want to invest equally into the relationship. But I don't meet people easily - I've been single for most of my life, and despite trying hard with online dating and real world socialising, no one seems interested in me. I think I'd rather tolerate a slightly disfunctional relationship than being single forever more.

Fair enough, Op. I wish you luck.

I'm not sure how old you are but just make sure you don't give 40 odd years of your life to a dysfunctional relationship, because you think you'll not meet anyone else. Maybe consider still dating around and remaining casual with her - so you have the companionship she offers but don't cut yourself off from other better suited women for life.

Bad relationships can make you feel a lot more lonely than being alone. Because when you're single you at least have some hope you could find happiness, in a bad relationship you have none. And nothing is lonelier than lying next to someone who doesn't love you. There's enough threads here of people leaving their marriages because they're lonely, and unloved.