I've named changed as this is outing but I'm having a big issue with my 'step family'. Very long story short (well not really short!) : My dad and mum divorced many years ago, Dad re-married (this is step-mum but I've never called her that as I was 14 when they met), Dad died in Feb year. It's the first time I've lost a close family member and it's devastating but that isn't the reason for the post...
The issue is that I've always had a slightly difficult relationship with step family however it has improved in recent years. In a way this annoys me as I could've done with the love when i was younger rather than now in my late 40s.
Step mum was pretty vile to me and my younger brother (half brother on dads side) as kids and our relationship only works now as I simply agree to everything. She's a bully. Under the pretence of helping she ensures that everyone does as she wants. Even my very assertive husband agrees that she's bizarrely impossible to disagree with most of the time as she literally talks over you. If you do disagree she sulks.
My brother cut all contact a few years ago so his attitude is 'just do it why are you worried about upsetting them'.
I'm now feeling swamped by her and her 'children' (in their 50s but also judgemental and pretty awful just like their mum). They are 'all over me' now like we're one big happy family. I've rung step-mum every week since Feb (which I didn't even do when my Dad was around) just to do the right thing and I felt genuinely sorry for her - I'm human and despite any issues a woman had lost her husband. At first I was happy to ring every week as it was mostly about my Dad and we were all grieving.
Fast forward a few months and I've realised I've made a rod for my own back to some extent. All this is made worse that I'm the only link they have back to their step-Dad (my Dad) and I even look a bit like him!
I know if I was reading this my response would probably be 'get a grip and get tough' and I thought once Dad had gone I'd fairly easily cut my ties but this isn't the case. I just find it so hard to upset people when they're essentially being so nice to me!
Looking for any advice or empathy anyone can offer here. Mentally this situation has affected me for over 30 years. If nothing else I just wish I could stop myself thinking about it so much! I feel that I need to resolve it but in a way I see my options as :
-Keep the peace and continue to do what I'm doing forever. The phone calls I can do but next year it'll be all about getting together - again I can absolutely do that within reason (we're all scattered across England)
-Start disagreeing and being more upfront - worse case scenario a fallout and so what?! (Problem is i just don't find that as easy as it might sound!). I could give examples from a phone call tonight where I've agreed to something I don't want to do - I wasn't asked i was told and the fact is this woman is about to spend her first Xmas without her husband so it wasn't the time to disagree!
Writing it down has helped a bit so thank for reading if you got far 