Abused man?

[SisterlyCare]

Hi all,

If a wife is doing this would that constitute as abuse?

• she accesses his phone and reads all messages from us to him and even replies.. she monitors all his interactions with everyone

• she does not allow him to leave the house without throwing tantrums and fainting. Unless it is with her. Even if it is a 20 mins walk to get fresh air to the local pharmacy. She would call him every 10 mins crying and saying how could you do this to me if he wasn’t stuck right by her side.

• she threatens to divorce and take the child away and prevent access to her (1 year old baby) if she doesn’t get her way.

This man is my brother.. which lives very far away from and has been cut off from family.. abs I suddenly am having my worries confirmed..

Is this considered abusive ?? And how do I support him if so ?!

Didn't want to read and run? Has she always been like this?

Yeah it's controlling behaviour and using the DC as a weapon. Emotional blackmail.

Is there any sort of protection for him?
He is staying in Canada.

He is British. She holds a student visa in Canada and their daughter is Canadian.

What would he like to do? Separate and stay in Canada? If so, I think he needs to see a solicitor there. Was she always like this, or could she have post-natal depression? Has something triggered this behaviour?

Is she anxious to be with the baby on her own?
Could there be more to this?

If not, I would definitely consider this abusive

Yes her behaviour is absolutely abusive, please don't think that because he's a man it is somehow less abusive of her - your poor brother is being treated terribly

I think it could be post natal depression I’m gonna emphasise this..

He said this has been character all along but he just thought she would change with time.. I beleive him because I saw clear signs yet I didn’t know the extent of the blackmail. It’s almost as if she engineered the situation so that the power dynamics is so off so she holds all the cards and he is honestly being bullied - as he explained .

Does she belittle him? Call him names? Control his finances? Or is it all about her insecurities? If the latter, she could get help and support. The worrying aspect are the threats to leave and not allow access to his child, but again I would say a bit more context is needed.

Yes, this is emotional abuse. In the UK this would be deemed coercive and controlling behaviour, under the domestic abuse umbrella.
However, your brother resides in Canada, so you/he would need to familiarise yourselves with the Canadian law. UK police have no jurisdiction in Canada.

I haven’t actually seen them together since I met them at their wedding (she hardly spoke to us).

But he did slip up few times firm his naturally protective self and complain that she does belittle him and control his finances and all his personal decisions and calls him stingy and miselry if he doesn’t buy her certain things.

He says she is a nice person though. Not sure how. He says she is fragile and sensitive and faints when they have a conflict..

She probably has a lot of insecurities which has manifested in ugly ways she has taken it out on me by trying to make out that I’m jealous of her when I literally couldn’t give a care in the world as I’ve only met her twice and spoke to her for a grand total of 20 mins max and the only interactions I have with her is her going out of her way to point out my flaws to my brother.. during those limited times..

I think she needs help in general.. but it’s not my place to tell her that and I don’t it’s my brothers place to fix her..

I think he needs to be emotionally safe and secure as he is currently on anti depressants and having a baby with her has made him suffocate further

He has been telling me he feels suffocated but I was too busy trying to stand up for sisterhood and out the pressure on him to be a better partner and scrutinise his flaws despite obvious behaviour issues I wish I just said enough was enough

It sounds like emotionally abusive behaviour to me. It might be linked to post natal depression, but the Behaviour is still emotionally abusive, regardless of whether there is a mental health issue as well. Many women do face mental health issues after birth, but if they dont want to admit to it then no-one else can fix it, least of all the partner (it would be different if she was suffering from post-partum phsycosis which is much more extreme and generally leads to that person being sectioned). I would look into what support is available in Canada and go from there. As a starting point is it possible for him to speak to his doctor about the pressures he is under? His own mental health is likely to be suffering and he will need support with that.
And don't feel guilty. Pregnancy and childbirth do complicate things a lot and I am sure in your shoes I would have pushed a sympathetic interpretation of his partners actions to your brother as a lot of the time that is justified. Plus you are physically far away so cant see everything that is happening.

menandfamilies.org/canada-trauma/ I found this for example, but he could also talk to a privately instructed lawyer just to find out where he stands, and talk to his GP as well. From the experiences of friends (female) who seperated from their partners in Canada (and ironically it was the partners who had been emotionally and twice physically abusive) the courts certainly supported the father having significant contact with the children, so her threats may well be empty but I think he needs professional advice on this.

Finally I think the only way you can support him is by being there for him, sympathising and offering suggestions on what he could do You cant tell him what to do or fix this for him sadly (this is exactly the same for female victims of domestic violence.)

Thank you so much yet, this is so helpful I really need all that direction. So thankful that he will get access to his daughter. And going to read the links and send to him.

Might call domestic abuse charities in UK for more detailed guidance.

So I called him and asked him if it could be post natal depression and struggling with mental health issues and maybe she needs time to recover.

He told me that apparently this started way before but he assumed she will change. He said that he now believes the fainting is exaggerated and not true. He said the only two times he tried walking outside on his own and she called and started fainting he then told her he is calling the ambulance and then she immediately came through and told him not to..

He told me he does in hindsight beleive it was all emotional blackmail but that he wouldn’t dare upset her that much that he just can’t get himself to do it.

He told me he felt like he was going to explode and become irrational so he went and sat in the car the other day because she was disrespecting him in crazy ways.. and he needed a breathing space.. so she called him saying if he doesn’t come back she will divorce him. And so he came back..

I’m feeling really angry with her right now. I tried not to show him how angry I was but I told my parents because I think they need to know.

To add.. her threatening divorce isn’t the real issue.. it’s that she is using their daughter who my brother adores as a threat

“I will divorce you and you won’t have a relationship with our daughter because you aren’t a good father for her “

Yes it is - get him to look at freedom programme

Im gonna tell him to call the ambulance everytime she fake faints and let them know to come check on her and to let them know that it’s because he left the house and she didn’t want him to

To call the non emergency police whenever she threatens to withdraw the child abs get them to check on her for being ok after he left the house because she is claiming to be in crisis

And I’m gonna get my mother to record all the phone calls of sister in law stating all the threats against my brother and to fully ask her on call whether he had been abusive to her or not.. so we can have it on clear record to clear him if she decides to come up with a fake story against him.

I just need to look for ways to protect the truth and narrative about him being a good father in case she tries to use social services against him too.. as she had threaten with that even though so far we know she leaves him with my brother half the week.. I need a way to stop her from denying him custody unfairly as she sounds so manipulative..

For what it is worth, I had my ex (thank god he is) threaten to accuse me of really terrible stuff if I ever left him. It was awful. He even had old photographs of me semi-clothed asleep in bed with our son (this son was 11 months old at the time, I was breastfeeding) that he would use as "proof". I got up the courage to go to the police and they were actually really good about it. They pointed out that someone that is really afraid of their partner hurting their child won't agree not to have a problem with it if the partner stays and continues to do everything for the child and them.* My ex still has shared custody of my son (he was meant to take him for 2 hours this Christmas day but I have a feeling he will keep him for longer out of spite) so life is not perfect, but I have him most of the time and he never carried out his threats (because he knows they are garbage, also he probably doesnt want to have our son 100% of the time anyway).
I am only telling you this to let you know that I know how awful it can be, but the more people he talks to the lighter the burden hes been carrying alone will get. In particular he needs some solid legal advice.

*I know some people in abusive relationships do stay because of the fear of leaving the children alone with the partner. But it doesnt sound like this is the case now for her.

And yes, getting the threats of reporting abuse on record NOW is a good idea, as someone who threatens to tell social services about someone abusing a child and then does nothing for 12 months is either a liar or negligent themselves. Thats effectively what the police told me.

He need to separate and arrange contact with his child.

It sounds really awful for him with the additional information you shared and a tough position to be in as family trying to help him. The best you can do is listen to him, believe and support and let him lead the way.