Anyone married to a man who is a victim of a narcissistic mother?

[thelake]

As the title states, I've realised that my husband is a victim of his mothers unkind and narcassitic upbringing. I went non contact with years ago as it was too painful. She was very unkind to me but my husband never stuck up for me. He is now having counselling but things have actually been worse for the last two years perhaps because he is coming to terms with what happened to him. It is suffocating being married to him. He cannot connect emotionally, sexually or any other way. He is completely distance and then suddenly very angry outbursts. He hasn't any friends and has decided that he doesn't actually need or want any. I think he is depressed but he won't acknowledge this. He considers being married a burden and he wants to run away from this. it's heartbreaking. he has had many jobs over the years and often left them to pursue new careers as he has felt unsatisfied. He has a history or running away from problems and blaming others. I am really hoping there might be someone else who has experienced this. I am trying hard to be strong.

Yes, it’s tough and particularly at the moment but DH has worked through his issues over the last few years and now has very low contact with MIL. Unfortunately FIL is very ill at the moment, and as per normal it’s all about her, so DH is very torn.
Two of his brothers are “golden children” and his the youngest brother has distanced himself some years ago. Not particularly a good state of affairs at Christmas but Covid has been our friend since we have a good excuse to stay away. I am frontline healthcare so cannot visit and as DH lives with me he shouldn’t really have contact.
It is very difficult for the golden children to understand why the other two are low contact. They are seen as the problem, not MIL. You just can’t explain.
We have got used to the cold shoulder treatment from the family and have been much happier as a result. It’s hard to maintain but I have witnessed some truly awful behaviour over the years. Christmas is a particularly triggering time due to MILs gift giving. She used to take great delight giving DH gifts that were meant to belittle him and reward him for being the ‘bad’ son. He refuses to open gifts in front of her now which is a big kick in the teeth for a narc since they can’t feed of the feelings it causes.

How is he with you @Angrymum22 ?
My difficulty is that he has allowed the abuse he suffered to affect his relationships. He just can't connect even though that's what he needs. He pushes people away and needs to be in control whilst saying it's everyone else's fault!

Have you considered that a lot if his traits are narcissistic too? Often children of narcissists fall into either codependency or into narcissism themselves.

Perhaps his mother is an obvious overt narcissist and he is of the more covert variety.

Yes, my ex MIL is an overt narcissist, my exH is a covert narcissist. I made excuses for him for years because of his upbringing, ultimately he is actually worse than her.

@redastherose

Yes, my ex MIL is an overt narcissist, my exH is a covert narcissist. I made excuses for him for years because of his upbringing, ultimately he is actually worse than her.

Same as red I had to leave, he was horrible to live with, it didn't matter why in the end.

My difficulty is that he has allowed the abuse he suffered to affect his relationships

Hmmm

That sounds a lot like victim shaming.

You can know something with your brain, but that is very different to knowing on an emotional level, and being aware of your behaviour.

Children of emotionally damaged people are immature in their self awareness. He may not completely understand his behaviour.

Doesn't mean you have to stay though.

My MIL is a narcissist and it has certainly taken its toll on my partner. He has very little faith in himself, has no friends, struggles with making decisions, catastrophises about many things. It's so sad. Hes lovely and absolutely nothing like her - a good listener, very empathetic, very kind. We dont see her very often. She has very limited interest in his life as an adult but rambles on about how he was as a child- I guess she sees that as a time when he was under her control and he needed her. He loathes this. He finds her smothering and controlling, and is embarrassed by her behaviour. It's very tough, you have my sympathies

It doesn't sound like he's a great husband, regardless of the reason.
Just because he has/had a shit upbringing doesn't mean you have to put up with a shit husband/marriage.

It's ok to say "this isn't working for me"

Somethingkindaoooo

Well said.

It’s not a matter of him ‘allowing’ it to affect his relationships! Emotional abuse in whatever form in childhood DOES affect your adult relationships. Simples.

@Dontsayyouloveme but does that mean the chain can never be broken? Surely there has to be the ability to realise and try to change. His brother doesn't have a relationship with his children now which is very sad

Yes, but the same outcome as @redastherose and @sundaysupperclub. It was endless pain and tears. Life is far too short to be as miserable as I was when I was married to a man exactly as you describe.

My life feels so light, vibrant and open to possibilities now when I compare it to then.

Yes. She was controlling, over-attached and obsessive. She saw me as the person to steal away her child, despite him being a fully grown man.

It took DH about a year to finally make the choice to cut her out, and we are now NC. It was exhausting falling prey to her emotional manipulation and constant need for control, and it took me slowly convincing DH that he wasn't morally obligated to stay in contact with her that finally gave him the final push.

I don't know if that helps at all, but there were points where I was almost despairing at his mother's behaviour but (fortunately) it all worked out in the end.