DH doesn't know if he wants to stay in our marriage

[MillyBadger]

DH has been struggling with his MH recently. He's always had MH difficulties but they've been particularly bad over the last few months. Mine has also been shot to pieces and I'm struggling big time. If I'm totally honest, his needs have been neglected as my MH has been so bad and I've been so wrapped up in my own head, he hasn't really had the space or support he needs.

He recently had a chat with me he'd clearly been putting off. He said he's deeply unhappy and doesn't know whether he wants to be in our marriage. He said he doesn't know if it's just his mental state but he wanted to bring it up so things weren't totally out of the blue.

Things have gotten bad between us before when we've both had bad mental health but we've always pulled through and they've been so much better over the last couple of years. I'm so upset and don't know what to think. He always struggles with this time of year so I'm really hoping that it's a combination of pandemic and time of year rather than any real indication he's going to want a divorce.

I ended up getting really upset at one of our most recent chats and he said this is why he was worried about raising it with me as it doesn't mean he's going to leave but he just wanted to talk about his feelings. He's said in past relationships there's always been a clear point for him where he had to leave whereas for us he hasn't had that, he just doesn't know how he feels.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just so sad. I don't know how to support his mental health whilst I feel like crying all the time. We aren't seeing anyone over Christmas either so that's just made feel so much worse and alone.

Also at times things feel so good between us. TMI but he's always said if he's struggling in a relationship, he's completely put off sex. But recently he's wanting it a lot more than he has in ages and seems a lot more intimate but then other times he feels distant.

I’m sure many wiser souls will reply with good advice, but for now: I’m sorry things are in such a fragile place for you both. You both sound caring and that you still care for each other. Would you both consider on-line relationship counselling? Some therapists will offer it (though not all). No relationship therapy can heal the rift for you, of course, but it can help you have the difficult conversations. And unlike most other forms of therapy, it’s ok if either or both of you decided to have your own counselling separately as well.

Did he say what he was unhappy about? What has he tried to fix it?

This year has been super hard for everyone. Do you think that might have something to do about it?

@RantyAnty he is unhappy in general. He struggles being himself and says he's happiest when he's on his own as then he doesn't feel guilty doing his own thing. I don't know if we've fallen into the trap of spending a lot of time together that's quantity over quality and not enough time doing our own thing and appreciating the us time more. It's so hard at the moment because of covid, I'm around the house a lot more and he sees a lot more people through work (I work from home due to covid) so I think I can be too dependent on him for company. When he gets back from work I feel so happy to see someone and I think that doesn't help him feel he can have space. So I think I need to be more conscious of not pouncing on him when he walks through the door and just facilitating his space a bit more until he feels more comfortable just doing it - if that makes sense? He's said he's worried about what it says if he's most happy on his own. But to me, it doesn't come across like he's completely unhappy when spending time with me (like lazy chilled Saturday mornings when we are relaxing or having fun) and I think maybe he is overthinking the fact he needs his own space?

@Craftycorvid I wouldn't be totally against relationship counselling. I think perhaps it may help more to both have individual counselling but maybe it would be worth us doing both. Any idea if it would be with the same counsellor or if the relationship and individual would be different ones?

he hasn't really had the space or support he needs.

Your post is all about prioritising his needs and wants. What about you?

@clopper he is very supportive of my needs and wants but I think sometimes my needs dominate his. I've struggled big time since the start of the pandemic and he's been supporting me through it and it's left little room for him.

I wouldn't say it's a case of prioritising his needs and wants. More of us needing a more even distribution. I know when my mental health is bad I struggle to see outside of that. The last week or so has felt more equal, like we are both struggling but we're both supporting each other and both have the space to talk about things if that makes sense?

Could you live separately for a while. It sounds like you both need space to get things back on track

Usually you’d see a different therapist for individual counselling. Some relationship therapists will offer 1-1 sessions with each of you, but lots prefer to only see you both together.

I think counselling would be a good place for you to start and/or perhaps you need a break to see how you both feel?

Op, I'm sorry both of you are struggling so badly and you must be heartbroken over this. I agree with what pp have said and not sure how much of value I have to add, only to say that when I've been severely depressed I have often felt better off on my own too, so it is perhaps a symptom of his illness rather than an sign of how he feels about you.

Re counselling, there are so many different types of therapy that you can both try so I wouldn't give up straight away if counselling doesn't seem to help much.

The relationship you have with the therapist is also crucial and this can ve very much pot luck so again don't give up up if you find at first it's not quite working.

I think it's significant that you say he's always worse at this time of year which suggests an element of the winter blues or even of SAD.

I think you should both have vitamin d levels checked - if you're in the UK almost the whole population is deficient at this time of year and it can really impact mood and energy. I'd also look into light therapy and getting a SAD lamp for daily 20m treatment- a wake up light/alarm clock is also helpful.

Additionally, I'd suggest that spends as much time outside as possible. Challenging I know in the winter, but even 1 cloudy walk a day can make a difference.

I'm not saying it'll cure him, but if he is prone to SAD then treating it might make the key difference. And if it's not SAD then they're still key self care tricks to help you both.

Ps if not medically vitamin d deficient, recommend over the counter supplements anyway

@TaraR2020 thank you for sharing your experience with depression.

I really do think it's a symptom of how we've both been feeling lately and the impact that's having on us. We've discussed a few practical suggestions - like making sure we're both having more space from each other and just basically things that allows us to be separate entities instead of just one mesh. We both have past issues that has meant at times we've ended up co-dependent on each other and left very little space to be ourselves as individuals - if that makes sense? Hopeful these small moves will help.

Re this time of year, I do think there's some element of SAD there - so daily walks would probably help. Well, like you say self care is important anyway regardless of SAD. I think also it's a symptom of past trauma at this time of year having an impact on his mental health.

I did mention to him about having a break but he doesn't want to do that. I guess this is a positive?