Acting like there is no problem

[TheRoyalOak]

Does anyone have a difficult relationship with a family member, who pretends there is no problem?

I have a sibling who I would say I have a difficult history with. It is complicated, but it means I feel like I need some space from them. They don't get this at all and want to come and stay with us, and thinks this should be fine because we are siblings. They are neatly forgetting all the horrible stuff they have said and done to me and the family in the past, and expect me to as well. I'm sure I haven't been angelic either, but all the more reason not to live in each other's pockets, (which we can't at the moment anyway, due to covid).

We get on when we don't see too much of each other and that's fine with me, but they are always pushing for a super close relationship which I don't want, with good reason imo. I can share details if needs be, but I'm trying to keep it short and non outing, but if I am not making any sense then I will expand on what I mean.

I don't see any extended family regularly FWIW, as we live very spread out. So it isn't a case of one sibling being left out or anything.

It’s difficult when you have mismatched expectations of the relationship. I have a sibling who I get on really well with at a distance. When we spend too much time together all the small annoyances build up and we end up falling out.

The only way that I’ve to manage it is to create opportunities to interact but only for short periods, so invite them to meet for lunch with a reason to leave after. Give them a call at a point where circumstances mean it will be brought to a natural end. Help them out when it means you won’t see them, e.g. dropping off shopping or feeding the cat when they are away.

Thanks. I'm ok with phone calls and even meeting for a meal etc, but it's staying in the same house I don't want. I think, as evidenced by opinions on MN and sometimes IRL, the natural expectation is that siblings are really close and of course you'd want to stay all together in one house. Sibling has this expectation because it is the norm. But they are conveniently forgetting all the times we have had a horrible time being together. I can't just forget all that and them coming to stay in my house makes me truly anxious.

I am not suggesting you do this at all, but what do you think they would say if you said "well no thanks, I don't want you to come and stay because the thought makes me anxious due to x y and z in the past"?

I suppose it's either that or deflect every time. You are busy, can't manage it but can manage lunch, ad finitum, and hope they get the messsage.

Urghhh my sister does this. We are completely different people with opposite views on some pretty major things. Opposite ideas on parenting etc so different expectations of kids behaviour which causes problems.

I have no answers except being busy a lot. When you have to arrange something that's a short burst with a escape plan after. Shopping trip but have a list etc.

My sister is like this, and so we're now LC/mostly NC with her. She repeatedly treats people like shit but manages to do so under the guise of 'knowing what's best' for them or 'being a wonderful selfless person', which she isn't. I finally called her out on her behaviour two years ago and was met with huge family fallout. She has, at her own carefully chosen times, tried to pretend nothing happened and she didn't scream at me in public while still being a nightmare of a drama queen. My parents are of the opinion that family = close, ignoring the reality that a close relationship takes work, is two-sided and involves trust. They just want to say we're all close without putting in the groundwork. It's draining.

We now grey rock my sister, we thank her if she decides to give us birthday gifts, but that's it. We largely don't need to deal with her anymore. Be busy, don't initiate contact if you don't need or want to, and live your life. I find people like my sister (and my parents) find it much easier on themselves to ignore the past or rewrite the narrative wherever it concerns their own behaviour - take control and don't let them. If you can't call her out on it (sometimes I regret it, to be honest) then just be very very unavailable.

Thanks all.

I have tried to discuss it once or twice before, but it was just dismissed really. Anyway, at least we get on well enough in smaller doses and it is helpful to know it isn't just me that has this with a sibling.

It definitely seems on MN and sometimes IRL, the notion that anyone wouldn't have a super close relationship with all their siblings is just unthinkable and somehow a moral failing.

It definitely seems on MN and sometimes IRL, the notion that anyone wouldn't have a super close relationship with all their siblings is just unthinkable and somehow a moral failing.

I know what you mean, and I had to work to out that thought aside, that it was somehow my failing. In the end for me it was a boundary thing. And it was actually MN that helped me see it as such. I continually had my boundaries trampled all over and I just had to suck it up, because that's what families do. Actually, that's precisely what families shouldn't do: they should love you and respect you and support you. Now that I've got my boundaries properly in place and I've called my sister out on repeatedly crossing them, I feel better and more secure, even though they don't agree with me and try to pretend nothing ever happened. It's more about how I choose to handle it than getting a change or a result out of my wider family.