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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hubby and health

16 replies

user1469525654 · 21/12/2020 19:58

Okay so long story so hang in there. So I have been married for 20 years to a man who has always earned less, been dependent and not even remotely ambitious. I have carried us for all these years. That said he is a kind man who would do anything for me and the kids. Fast forward to last week he ends up in hospital with spinal issues requiring surgery sometime next year. He was discharged with pain relief and a consultant appointment in a few weeks. Today he starts saying that it us getting worse and he wants to go back to the hospital but yet his pain is under control. I feel he is anxious at the moment and the hospital wouldn't have let him come home if he was at risk. I have told him that if he goes back now he will end up being kept in again and the kids won't see him over Christmas. One half of me says let him do it and at least I don't have to listen to the complaining anymore and the other half says tell him to try and relax and cope because of the kids. I sound exhausted and irritable but that's honestly how I feel

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/12/2020 20:02

If he is waiting for surgery then I think you have to assume he's genuinely worried and in pain. Can he call 111 first for advice though, or ask your GP for a phone appointment?

JamieLeeCurtains · 21/12/2020 20:03

How does he propose to re-admit himself to hospital, though? Through A&E?

I'm presuming his management/treatment plan doesn't say he can just rock up to the hospital ward and be given a bed - or have I missed something?

Sorry, btw

Ohalrightthen · 21/12/2020 20:06

The issue here is that you don't seem to have any respect for the man you're married to. Which is leading to you disregarding what sounds like a serious health condition because it's inconvenient for you. If he goes to hospital and they keep him in, it's because that's where he needs to be.

JamieLeeCurtains · 21/12/2020 20:08

Btw I've had a prolapsed disc and it was agony. I'm still doing physio six years on. Now there's osteo there, and I'm on codeine. It really is awful.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2020 20:26

The hospital won’t keep somebody in if they consider their pain to be manageable out of hospital; however, the hospital definition of manageable is often it of kilter with how most people would understand or experience it, largely because hospitals are under enormous pressure to empty beds, and people can still be discharged in excruciating pain.

I agree with @Ohalrightthen - it doesn’t sound like you have any respect for your OH. What do his financial circumstances and career ambition have to do with his medical condition? Why did you feel the need to introduce him as being - essentially - lazy, unambiguous and drain on you before describing what sounds like a painful health issue? Presumably because you think he is also being a lazy useless lump meaning about his health?

Do you want to be married to him? Have you considered marital counselling to help you get across how his attitude to things affects the way you feel about him, and whether it’s something that can be resolved one way or another.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2020 20:27

*unambitious not unambiguous

Original poster

user1469525654 · 21/12/2020 20:31

The issue ohalrightthen is I have spent 20 years dealing with various problems and always been the one financially responsible. The slightest excuse not to work and he is there like a shot. If the consultant is happy for him to work and get on with it then presumably he knows best. I think he is trying to get readmitted so he doesn't have to work Christmas and with that will come financial chaos and no guarantee that they would operate this close to xmas anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

user1469525654 · 21/12/2020 20:35

Respect is earned when you pull your bloody weight in a relationship. We co exist with no physical relationship and no he won't do counselling

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtains · 21/12/2020 20:38

I think he is trying to get readmitted

But how?

Original poster

user1469525654 · 21/12/2020 20:40

If he turns up at the doctors or A&E they will naturally use caution and readmit in case something happens.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1469525654 · 21/12/2020 20:41

Especially since he has only been out 2 days

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ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2020 20:45

@user1469525654

Respect is earned when you pull your bloody weight in a relationship. We co exist with no physical relationship and no he won't do counselling

Then that’s your actual problem. You’re no longer compatible, however nice and kind he is, and it sounds like it’s time for a difficult conversation about where the relationship is going and whether he’s willing to take steps to help save it. If you even want to save it? It’s fine, whether he’s unwell or not, to decide that you don’t.

Is he a good parent and does he pull his weight in that regard? Or is he just as laid back there leaving you to do it all? You didn’t state in your original post that he didn’t pull his weight, just that he wasn’t ambitious in his career and didn’t earn much money - which is true of many people, often those who choose to be SAHMs, but woe betide anyone who suggested a SAHM wasn’t pulling her weight!

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/12/2020 20:48

Maybe a thought for later, but it is it time to consider calling time on your marriage...

Ohalrightthen · 21/12/2020 21:06

Why have you put up with that?

Original poster

user1469525654 · 21/12/2020 21:42

Because we have kids and I don't want them to experience separation of parents. I have tried so hard to keep it all going and essentially I live a lie. We have a child with SEN and stability is very important in keeping him calm and happy

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ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2020 22:22

@user1469525654

Separated, happy parents is better than miserable and resentful parents. If you feel the way you do then it’s likely he doesn’t feel great himself, even without the health issues.

Divorce doesn’t have to mean instability, if you separate whilst you are still amicable and have some sense of care left for each other, and each want your DC to have the best.

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