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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How is it that I spend a day telling my dh that I no longer want to be with him and he comes home the next night and asks me if I 'fancy a f**k'

32 replies

toothicky · 23/10/2007 20:04

We've been together 16 years and I have had enough, we have two dcs and he is like my third child, albeit a gangly teenage one. He is a fantastic dad and the children have made it clear to me that they don't want us to split up but quite frankly I don't know how much more I can take. There isn't one big thing it is all little things that have added up over the time. When I sat down and said that my feelings for him have been eroded he said that he understood how I felt then went to work and came home (at midnight, he works shifts) and carried on as if I hadn't said anything, chatted away and then asked if I fancied a f**k. Why do men just not get it.

OP posts:
policywonk · 23/10/2007 20:08

I would guess he is hoping that you didn't mean it, and it's his way of asking whether you can just carry on as though you had never said anything, because he's too scared/upset to address the issue directly.

SenoraPostrophe · 23/10/2007 20:09

he obviously doesn't want to split up. have you tried marriage counselling?

Original poster
toothicky · 23/10/2007 20:15

I think you are exactly right. He thinks if he buries his head in the sand the whole thing will go away. As things have got so bad I have thought of counselling but I find it hard to say what I am thinking which just goes to show how bad it must have got to push me to this point. I dont know if he would agree with counselling, but I will definitely think about it. We have been here before about 4 years ago when I did tell him what I thought and thinks improved slightly but now they have got on top of me again.

OP posts:
chocchipcookie · 23/10/2007 20:29

Please go to counselling before you do anything else. It sounds like you have communication issues and if you don't resolve these then the same thing would likely happen with someone else in a new relationship.

Santasmissyontheside · 23/10/2007 20:45

I take it you said no?

Original poster
toothicky · 23/10/2007 20:56

Thanks Santa, that is the first time I've laughed in a while. Yes I did say no. To make it clearer why he is like a third child, one of the things he does is repeat things I say all the time. For instance I had a friend who was quite open that she had three boys and would keep trying until she had a girl and when she told him that she was pregnant I said she must be still trying for a girl and he told her what I had said, by this time I had gone back to work and we weren't in touch much so it must have been quite hurtful to her and was honestly meant as a comment between the two of us. This is by no means an isolated occasion. He repeats any comments I make to all and sundry. It has now got to the point when I dont tell him what I think about anything or else have to expressly say that this is just between the two of us. Therefore any shared conversation has been illiminated. Also it always feels like I have to be the adult in all situations. He will sometimes be rude to my family, although I think they are quite fond of him it makes me cringe. I just feel like I have to be the adult in all situations and he doesn't seem to have any more sense than my 10yr old ds.

OP posts:
Santasmissyontheside · 23/10/2007 21:02

Glad to put a on your face. Sounds like a knob to me but i say that without meaning to cause offence to you.

I hope

Original poster
toothicky · 23/10/2007 21:11

No offence caused, my sentiments exactly, that is why I don't want to be with him any more. I should point out he is in his 50s so isnt actually anything like a teenager, just acts like one. Always having fun with the kids while get on with all the shitty stuff that we can't live without i.e. washing, cleaning, cooking.

OP posts:
Santasmissyontheside · 23/10/2007 21:18

Well it sounds like you are certain of what you want. My thinking is always go with your gut and what feels right.

With regards for him asking....... Well the bloody cheek!

SenoraPostrophe · 23/10/2007 21:26

really, santathing? you'd throw your marriage away over what your "gut" told you? blimey. I bet you haven't been married for 16 years have you?

DoctorAficionadoDelArse · 23/10/2007 21:30

Ok. This may sound a bit far fetched, but do you think he could have a mild form of an autistic spectrum disorder?

A close family friend who is an educational psychologist is confident that my DHs lack of empathy, rudeness and general disinterest in others is due to this and not because he's a selfih arse as I thought for the first few years of our relationship.

Long shot, but he could be.

Original poster
toothicky · 23/10/2007 21:34

To be honest I think that he just doesn't think most of the time. Maybe you are right, it is like I am always reminding him how to behave, but when I do he does behave well. I am tired of telling him though, he is 10 years older than me so I think it should be the other way round.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 23/10/2007 21:51

Or he might as well try his luck? It might be in. He's got nothing to lose after all!

Santasmissyontheside · 23/10/2007 21:56

In answer to senora yes i would. I don't think it relevant how long i've been married. But if i was living each day fed up and i had the feeling that things wouldn't change as to how i felt and i was not happy, why not walk away. I'd rather my children see me happy than living unhappily with there father. I'd much rather they had me bringing them up happily every day.

When i was younger i didn't want my parents to split up but i had an amazing upbringing with a very happy mum.

Santasmissyontheside · 23/10/2007 21:59

*their

Original poster
toothicky · 23/10/2007 22:05

The dcs are one of the main problems, they adore their dad. I would do anything for them. He wants us to stay together, so I feel that everybody is happy except me. My dd understands more as she has seen me at the end of my tether at some of the more useless things he does, but she still doesn't want us to split up. The things that he does are not major, it is just like a constant tap drip, dripping which has pushed me to the edge. He doesnt seem capable of rectifying these things and quite frankly I am fed up of being the coper and would like to be the one who is looked after.

OP posts:
Santasmissyontheside · 23/10/2007 22:13

Do you still love him? Can you see yourself having a future? You need to think of your well being as well as children. How old are dc?

I'm the kind of person not to dwell on things as just couldn't stand having a shit life being unhappy.

I feel for you, as obviously we all want the best for our children and want them to be happy. But no one wants thier parents to seperate, I didn't but like I said my mum was so much happier. Everyone is different and have their own views. Think hard.

Original poster
toothicky · 23/10/2007 22:38

I don't think I do still love him. Even though he has driven me mad in the past he has always made me laugh, I just don't laugh anymore. As an aside, and this really isn't relevant but shows his emotional immaturity, I had been raped when I was 21, I met him when I was 28 and although I had been through a tough time and had had a complete breakdown after the rape I was completely recovered when I met him, but although I told him about it about two months after we met, he has never, ever spoken about it, although my family have made vague references to this time he has never once asked me what happened and I think this desplays his emotional immaturity.

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 23/10/2007 23:23

no integrity - repeating everything to everyone... no integrity leads o no respect. You cant love someone without respect

immaturity = no respect

sorry if that is harsh

does he use drugs/alcohol ?

Original poster
toothicky · 23/10/2007 23:42

No, he doesnt drink or take drugs. He is just always been a lovable prat. Not so loveable anymore though.

OP posts:
AussieSim · 23/10/2007 23:50

Hi Toothicky, I can see where you are coming from re 'the little things' but have you thought about what your life would be like as a single mum? While you might offload the annoying immature husband from your living quarters, it is not like you would be rid of him altogether anyway as you would have to stay in touch for your dc's. In fact you would probably have more friction with him as you would be 'talking' about support and who is paying for what and who ran 10mins late returing them and who 'let' them do something the other one wouldn't have. It is a fact that women end up financially much much worse off than man as they get older if they have gone through a divorce. Unless you are deadset on finding the new love of your life, I would just chill out, make new friends, take on new hobby's and avoid situations in which your DH really gets under your skin. I just don't think it is always necessarily greener on the other side of the fence. I have had similar discussion with my mum about her DH over the years ... Sometimes I think it is easier for everyone if you just accept who they are and build a satisfying life around it. HTH and is not offensive or anything. I am heading for 40 fast and the last thing I would want would be to be a single mum. Of course I would take that decision in a moment if DH was abusive or unfaithful ...

colditz · 23/10/2007 23:57

Toothicky, you need marriage councelling. I do understand how the little things can build up until you are fit to scream, but I am not feeling that irritation is worth 16 years of your life. where do you see yourself in 5 years if you split up ... and why are you discussing this with your kids before resolving it with your husband?

Original poster
toothicky · 24/10/2007 00:00

Aussie, thanks for this. I think you are probably right. I just want him to be more responsible. I do agree that the life of a single mother is probably no fun and our standard of living would drop significantly. He has already told me that if we did split up he wouldn't do any overtime and therefore would have very little money to contribute. I am certainly not after the love of my life as for the first 12 years I thought I had found him. If we did split up I would rather be alone than go through all the dating business. I agree that it is probably best to ignore his many bad bits, but am finding it increasingly difficult to do so. I really want to carry on, but I don't feel that he tries (he agrees that he doesn't put as much effor into the relationship as I do) and just think that as the years go by it wears me down further and further.

OP posts:
Original poster
toothicky · 24/10/2007 00:05

Colditz I agree we probably do need counselling, but I think that he would just say that he will change and then will a bit for a little while and then go back to normal. I'm not actually discussing anything with my dcs that I don't discuss with my dh. They do see what goes on in the house and how exasberated I am with some situations. The more fed up they see me get, the more they say that they know what he is like but please don't split up. Sometimes I just can't hide how I feel from them as these situations happen on a daily basis.

OP posts:
colditz · 24/10/2007 00:09

You can go to marriage Guidance on your own. It's really very good.

Put's the bloody wind up your partner too - makes them wonder if you are going to be told to leave them, and makes them consider why you would be told to leave!

This doesn't happen, BTW, but men always seem to think councellers tell you what to do. They don't, they help you decide what you are going to do.