When do you know you’re ready for a new relationship?

[EveningOverRooftops]

Just that really.

It’s been 3 years nearly, found out NYE 2016 my ex was cheating and also married, it was a long drawn out 2.5 yrs of lies that’s taken a long time to process and I’ve thought I’m about ready to try again but I’m stuck.

There’s a lovely man I’ve met. There is a spark. He makes me laugh a lot (a good thing for me) and have some shared interests and want similar things inc both of us currently looking to study again/return to education as well as some more niche things I won’t share here.

We both have a child each his adult mine teen. He has been married twice I have never married yet engaged 3 times (not sure it’s relevant but it’s always bugged me exes proposed then did a runner even the married cheater who couldn’t possibly have married me and knew it so it stung extra hard)

I keep pulling back and I don’t know why. Irrationally angry at the whole thing. I want to date but I’m stopping myself and I don’t know why. The possibility of the time of year being extra sore isn’t lost on me either (there’s a whole host of traumatic things that have happened to me nov-December including the ex)

Obviously I know I’m not ready for this, not by a long shot and I have to stop whatever is forming here and it hurts knowing I have to do that but it would be unfair of me to drag this out and hurt him and me.

So how do you know when it’s right. I thought I was but here I am an absolute mess and it just seems so never ending and unfair😭

I would highly recommend some counselling to help you process the past and look to the future. I would also be open with this man that you are struggling, it’s not him - it’s you.

Flowing

I'd been a single parent for 6 years and was genuinely happy on my own. I knew that my boundaries were good as I'd been casually dating and refused to tolerate bad company.

When I met my future husband he met my new standards , showed no red flags and I felt he would genuinely enhance my life. I was nervous of a relationship but because of my past rather than his actions.

@ThisTooShallBe

I would highly recommend some counselling to help you process the past and look to the future. I would also be open with this man that you are struggling, it’s not him - it’s you.

I know it’s me. He does know the things that happened with my last breakup and how resoundingly awful it was including my teen being suicidal, DC didn’t cope so well with it and the other unrelated things happening at the same time.

I’ve had counselling. Especially after the last break up. It was a good few months of it too and then a second round after a much needed break to process and get though some physical health issues and came out of it and did date a little bit no one with any real connection.

Im at the point when I think I just need to accept this isn’t going to happen for me because this feeling and response has come out nowhere with no real explanation or cause or trigger.

@TallTowerFan

I'd been a single parent for 6 years and was genuinely happy on my own. I knew that my boundaries were good as I'd been casually dating and refused to tolerate bad company.

When I met my future husband he met my new standards , showed no red flags and I felt he would genuinely enhance my life. I was nervous of a relationship but because of my past rather than his actions.

Yes. There is nervousness here too. I recognise that and he does meet my boundaries and general expectations of what I want too.

Yep just can’t fathom why I’m like this. It is irrational.

What's the worse that can happen OP? You do everything possible to keep your DC feeling safe and secure. Apart from that, life spins on a penny. Write down a list of the worse that can happen. You could feel heartbroken again in future. You could feel rejected. You could feel lonely. It probably isn't any more or any worse than anyone entering into a relationship. Study it and make an informed choice.

I went through exactly the same thing...including the suicidal teen after my partner walked out unexpectedly. It took me 4 years and therapy to recover and even then I was really scared of relationships. I went back into therapy to try and work round this fear. I had to "get out the way of myself" in order to take a big deep breath and try again. There is never a risk free relationship so you really have to just get out there and try again. I have been in a relationship for over a year now, I worked through my issues and now I am very relaxed about it now and the past is firmly contained in the past now.

@litterbird

I went through exactly the same thing...including the suicidal teen after my partner walked out unexpectedly. It took me 4 years and therapy to recover and even then I was really scared of relationships. I went back into therapy to try and work round this fear. I had to "get out the way of myself" in order to take a big deep breath and try again. There is never a risk free relationship so you really have to just get out there and try again. I have been in a relationship for over a year now, I worked through my issues and now I am very relaxed about it now and the past is firmly contained in the past now.

It was awful, DC being suicidal. It didn’t help DCs school blamed it all on me. Saying too much, saying not enough about what’s going on couldn’t win and it was a second trauma I guess. First being lied to for 2.5yrs then having people who should’ve been massively supportive, and I told them straight away what had happened to support DC, turning it on me. Despite there being no right way to let kids know about break ups and this was particularly bad for DC due to the last time Ex saw us and DC internalised and took on the blame.

I guess I’m worried that will happen again, realistically I know current man isn’t lying about hidden wives, other women etc. There’s more people surrounding him, family etc than the ex who’s parents were deceased which clearly made it easier to have multiple lives and lie to the extent he did.

My logical brain is making sense it’s just the irrational side, having a big wobbly that’s worrying me, to an extent it’s normal I suppose.

You're ready to date again when you genuinely feel like you don't care. That you're happy with your life being single. Because then you'll only date if someone genuinely improves your life and you'll not tolerate any shit. At all.

If being with someone does not infinitely improve your life then don't be in that relationship. It's not mandatory.

I thought I was ready. I have been mulling this over a fair bit and thinking recent NC with family is clouding something here.

Everything was OK prior to family NC and of course it’s Xmas eve and it’s been nearly 3mths since my family made any effort to make contact plus a recent crappy birthday.

I’m going to cool everything for a little while. I don’t want to lose him, that I’m almost certain of these last few days. Just an epic wobble that I guess is linked to family ‘loss’ and Xmas related things. Will talk with him properly about it all when things are so forcibly cheery