How to handle this - uncle putting elderly grandparent at risk?

[leonardcohensguitar]

I've name changed as details quite specific.

My Granddad is 90. My uncle (DGD's son) lives in another county and hasn't visited since June. Uncle was supposed to be visiting over Christmas but is now in Tier 4. We are in Tier 2.

Uncle has decided he is still going to come. DGD will be fully vaccinated in mid Jan, so we have asked Uncle not to come for Xmas, given it's illegal, and we don't want to put my DGD at any unnecessary risk. Uncle will be travelling into London twice this week before coming to stay.

Uncle has kicked off massively, and now says he isn't going to come on Xmas Day. He is struggling with his mental health so we do feel bad but it's just ONE month until DGD will be vaccinated.

We have now found out Uncle is planning to come up visit DGD in secret on Boxing Day when no-one else is around!

How would you handle this?

It's difficult.

We've been quarantining in what was a tier 2 until Saturday so I could support my 90year old df who is struggling.
Technically we should no longer visit.
But my df has no-one.
If your grandad already has support then no your uncle shouldn't visit.
Just repeat wait until after the vaccine.
You can't do anymore.

What does your Grandad want? How did you find out? Was it from DGD? If he is worried about his son's visit and would rather he wait till after vacation is completed but doesn't feel able to advocate for himself then I'd do everything in my power to get uncle to wait till then.

What does your grandad want? If he has capacity, he is able to make the choice about whether he wants to see his son

We were due to be there at Xmas too. We have taken this week off work to isolate and I took DS out of school two days early so he would have ten days of isolation before spending Xmas Day with DGD.

My DGD does have other support, he has me and I go round to help care for him, and my DM has formed a support bubble with him. My uncle has not bothered to visit since June but now he can't wait a month to come. He's sent a sarcastic message asking when we will "allow him to see his father" but is planning to visit in secret on Boxing Day.

Grandad won't tell us what he wants but he is very much of the view that Covid is all a big fuss about nothing.

It was Grandad that told us Uncle was going to come and visit on Boxing Day, but was apparently Grandad's suggestion to come "when no one else is here".

If Uncle is going to visit Boxing Day then he may as well come for Xmas Day because it's Grandad rather than me/DP/DS we're all trying to protect. It's just so frustrating for the sake of one month

Personally I think its your grandads choice whether he wants to see his son. If he understands the potential risks of having visits then I would leave him to it. You need to decide if you want your uncle to join you all on christmas, with the potential risk he may bring to yourself and your child. If you are not happy with the risk, see you grandad on christmas and he will then see his son the next day

At 90 there's every chance this could be your grandads last Xmas. With mental health issues and a family seemingly as uncaring as yours there's every chance this could be your uncles last Xmas. It's not "for the sake of a month" the jab isn't a magic medicine which works instantly. The flu jab takes 3 weeks to take effect. This jab is given in two parts a month apart so I would imagine it'll be the month after the second jab. In addition, there have been no rules released suggesting that those that have had the jab are allowed to do whatever they want now. With the way the country is going we could all be in another lockdown for several weeks next month. Or longer. Personally, if I were you, I'd mind my own business. Something which far more people need to remember how to do! If your grandad had made it absolutely clear that he didn't want your uncle to visit then I'd listen to him but he won't tell you what he wants which tells you everything you need to know. He's arranged to see the uncle in secret but doesn't want to upset you...

Ultimately it's your grandad's choice but yes your uncle is being a fucking arse for the sake of one month.

Sounds like your grandad is as much an idiot as your uncle, so let them get on with it.

@notaladyinred

Sounds like your grandad is as much an idiot as your uncle, so let them get on with it.

Yup.

Have you pointed out to your grandad that you would expect him to isolate after his contact with Ground Zero.

@epythymy wow - how are we uncaring?! My Grandfather's health is very much our business! It will be me and DM who will be picking up the pieces if anything happens, not my uncle who only bothers to visit twice a year at best.

And DGD has had his first jab, his second is in January, hence one more month.

Feel for you, in a very similar situation. If your grandad and uncle want to see each other they need to form a bubble and your uncle needs to take on any care needs your grandfather may have till all are in lower tiers. Otherwise it's not fair on anyone else family or otherwise who then need to provide support outside if your uncles visit.

I'm sure there are some descriptions of elderly people dying of COVID that someone closest to your DGD could discuss with him and your uncle. It's a really horrible way to die. If your Mum, maybe, comes at this with, look I know you love each other and want to spend some time together, but this is really unpleasant... And could someone afford to sweeten the deal maybe by paying for uncle's transport if he does wait?

Bottom line. How would you finish the sentence that starts,
"Of course you want to see each other at Christmas, and I'm not trying to be a dick about this, but..."
?

Well what dya know? Looks like I was right.