End of the road

[MamUpNorth]

My partner told me this morning that he wants us to split up. We have a very recently turned one year old, and were due to be married a couple of weeks ago which was cancelled because of Corona. I'm due back at work in 2 weeks. He's blamed it all in me, claims I'm miserable and that he's tried all he can. Which is interesting given that this is the first time he's mentioned us splitting up.

He's controlling, aggressive, uncompassionate. Neither of us have been happy for a long time. I'm in that classic position of being trapped because I don't know how I would manage on my own, especially with a young child. I have a good job and a loving family. I don't know what her to fight for the relationship or just let it go. I have post natal depression and don't trust my own thoughts and feelings at the moment.

What is the housing situation? Mortgaged or rented?

I know it feels scary but you will be absolutely fine I promise, and so much happier away from this arsehole. Better to split when your daughter is young rather than dragging it on for years. Have a look on entitledto.gov to see what benefits you would be eligible for.

Good luck x

Thank you ❤️ We have a huge mortgage and no way I could manage it on my own. If we had to sell we'd probably lose a huge amount of money. Which I know in the long term won't matter but right now it feels impossible.

It’s a shame you never got married, you’d have been in a better financial position right now.
Have you told your family ?
Where will you live ?
Have you got nursery sorted for while you work ?
How often is he going to have your DC and is he likely to be reliable with it ?

He literally landed this on me an hour and a half ago and then went to work. I haven't told anyone, or thought about any of those things. We've never talked about separating.

I see now that you’ve got a mortgage and I assume you are named on the deeds ? Excellent start.

Yes house is jointly owned.

@MamUpNorth

He literally landed this on me an hour and a half ago and then went to work. I haven't told anyone, or thought about any of those things. We've never talked about separating.

Are you sure he’s not feeling down/depressed and he might change his mind ? It all seems very sudden.

It's a strong possibility but he would never own those feelings. It will be my fault and he will not be prepared to do his share of any work that needs to be done to improve the situation. I'm sure if I took responsibility for everything and said I would change he would change his mind. But I don't want to do that.

It sounds pretty final then.
Has he said he will move out ?

Firstly breath, you will be fine.

Have you spoken to the gp about your pnd? If not, do so.

Now all you need to do is tell your family and let them help. It's also great that you've got a good job. Can you speak to your employer, explain what's happened and ask for a delayed start to at least give you some breathing space.

Yes, he said he will go tonight after work. My guess is that he will attempt to back track but it will still come down to everything being my fault. Which means ultimately it will be my decision to end it. And I just don't know if I have the strength at the moment. Post natal depression and returning to work is completely overwhelming me right now.

Let him go, it will give you space to think.
Then concentrate on getting back to work and into a routine.
You need to see that you can do it alone.
Get him to commit to set times of having the DC so that you have time to yourself.
Then you can decide what you want to do.

@alienisthebestfilm I started counselling recently, privately rather than through GP because I knew I needed to be seen quickly. I won't be able to afford to continue so will have to go through NHS. I feel too ashamed to tell anyone. We were supposed to get married a matter of weeks ago, our daughter has just turned one, we moved house last year and are having loads of work done. My mam is not in good health and both her and my dad are quite fragile at the moment. I just want to run away.

@FippertyGibbett thank you. You're right, one step at a time.