No romance sex or connection

[Paco1234]

Been seeing Girlfriend for 3 years on & off...relationship up & down weekly!!...she never texts when at work ....never replies to my suggestive texts ....never dresses smartly when going out with me but always takes ages to get ready when going out shopping with sisters....never wants to try new sexual positions rarely initiates sex but feel she is not emotionally there....gets dolled up for work painted nails glitter on face etc etc....yet gives me beautiful card saying my wonderful boyfriend I love you with all my heart......really confused!!!...help!!!

My first thought was that she isn’t a blow up doll but a human.

Do you get on with each other, are you able to talk about anything, are you kind to each other, do you have fun together? Is she a kind person? (Are you?)

If you feel she isn’t emotionally invested in you can you talk to her about it?

Also, by on and off do you mean you have broken up a few times?

Dump her and move on.

Broke up 3 times...twice by me...my main issue is I feel that I'm not no.1...cuddling kissing texting etc....is never forthcoming. ...it's like like I'm having to do all the work emotionally...when I mention it she is great for a day or two then back to square one again......I feel like I'm just validation for her with family & friends as she always bums me up to them but never shows me how she feels...
Thought it might be me wanting too much but as I said I'm totally confused by the hot & cold attitude

So you’ve broke up twice with her but taken her back, and you’re still not happy with her but continue to see her and have sex with her.
You need to put up with it or move on. Easy.

You are not compatible and are both wasting your time. Move on.

If the relationship isn’t meeting your needs then why keep going? It’s sunken costs at this point.

Move on or you’ll always be feeling resentful, particularly if you ever have a child together.

Well of course I try & talk about my issues but why would she not want romance touching kissing etc...when she gives me cards saying she loves me...however never to my face!!

She doesn't sound like she wants to be in a relationship with you, I'm afraid. It sounds like she likes being in a relationship, but not that she actually values it enough to work on it.

If this hot and cold attitude has been going on for years then I think you know the answer. This is hard work and you don’t seem very happy. It’s difficult to do, but I think you should move on if you don’t have children. All this hard work without results is a sign to me that this wasn’t meant to be.
If she doesn’t want to kiss you or tell you that she loves you and you clearly need this, then staying with her is causing you torment. I think you need to cut your losses and find someone who can give you what you need.
I need this too in a relationship and I didn’t get either in my last relationship. I tried hard to make it work but in the end I realised I wasn’t going to change who he was. He loved me in his way and I needed something different. Now I have a man who is affectionate and tells me he loves me. ... life is too short. Find the one who makes you happy.

Buying a card is easy - it doesn’t mean the printed on message is heartfelt. Another one not sure why you’re continuing in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil you.

Sounds like she lacks confidence, that's all. Is she body confident? If not, this could be a reason for not initiating sex.

You really need to speak to your girlfriend. She might not make as much effort with you than her sisters because she feels you accept her as she is. I have been guilty of this years ago. I made less effort for my ( then boyfriend) now husband, as I knew he thought I was beautiful regardless of what I did . But he was the same as you and questioned the lack of effort and what it meant.

Or it could mean , like you already suspect, that she is just going through the motions and isn't feeling it.

I think you need to have an honest conversation. She may make more effort when going out with friends, depending on where she's going?

She may not be a very tactile or affectionate person, or she may not feel that way towards you. Either way this is likely to be an issue ongoing as you don't sound very compatible.

she never texts when at work ....

She's working.

never replies to my suggestive texts ....

She doesn't like them, but you continue to send them. She NEVER replies yet you continue to do it because you want a certain response. You aren't listening to her by respecting she doesn't want those messages.

never dresses smartly when going out with me but always takes ages to get ready when going out shopping with sisters....

How she dresses is her choice, if you hate it so much then leave.

never wants to try new sexual positions rarely initiates sex but feel she is not emotionally there....

I wouldn't initiate sex with someone who was so focused on me getting 'dolled up' for their approval because I'm an entire person not a blow up doll

gets dolled up for work painted nails glitter on face etc etc

See above.

Almost all your criticisms are about her not dressing / doing make up the way you want her to. The other criticisms are that she isn't sexually adventurous with you and doesn't reply to texts when she is at work, or to suggestive texts she's made it clear she has no interest in.

Do you see the connection between you being fixated on her appearance (which by the way you seem to think is a reflection of you as a person) and her not wanting to be dictated to by you or have sex with you much?

You've every right to prefer a particular look and enjoy certain sexual positions. You have zero right to stay with someone who you resent not adhering to your preferences and expecting them to change who they are rather than leaving them.

And in general I'm sorry to say this is just a run of the mill, unhappy relationship. You aren't being your best selves. You don't both feel valued and wanted. You don't both feel you're equally invested. You aren't compatible. It's not the end of the world, it's just over.

She may not be a very tactile or affectionate person, or she may not feel that way towards you. Either way this is likely to be an issue ongoing as you don't sound very compatible.

As someone who behaved like your girlfriend, this is in it a nutshell. ^^