I think my husband is emotionally abusive

[CarbonelandCalidor]

Hello, I’ve posted before about my husband but have name changed. Every now and then he really upsets me.

I’ve spoken to a counsellor who says he sounds emotionally abusive. If you met him you’d think he was charming, sociable and interesting.

Every now and then he’s quite mean to me but no one would believe it. We recently moved, I’m so relieved as we’re now near my family. The move has been very stressful and there were a lot of delays. I organised every bit of the move, all the viewing and the mortgage and did all the packing. It was very stressful and our 3 year old daughter found it hard as I had to make a lot of phone calls.

I thought he would be pleased and grateful but think he’s trying to cause a fight to spoil Christmas. I’ve realised he spoils most ‘occasions ’.

He keeps bringing up having another child but then qualifies it with things like we would need a cleaner and a nanny! So I think he’s implying I can’t cope. He says our daughter doesn’t have a routine, has a poor diet and that I don’t do enough arts and crafts with her. She’s a picky eater but I try and make meals stress free while he keeps on at her to eat and tries to feed her. We had a good routine but have had to improvise this year like most people. He wants her to be in nursery for this reason I think. He just said to me ask yourself, are you a good parent. If I defend myself he says I’m being sensitive and fucking ludicrous and if I criticise him he says I’m offensive.

Today he stayed in bed till 2pm then picked us up at 4. But then complained I hadn’t found the box with the cutlery in it.

I got upset towards the end of his tirade and started crying and he just said I’m not dealing with crying bye bye. He seems like an alien person and not the nice person I met.

Tell him to leave... he sounds insufferable to live with.. and yes he is abusive 🌺

Hi op, I’m also in an emotionally abusive relationship. You are spot on with the comment that “ If you met him you’d think he was charming, sociable and interesting” most abusers do come across that way. It’s part of their strategy sadly.

The last paragraph also stood out “ He seems like an alien person and not the nice person I met“. OP he was never that nice person he was just wearing a mask. The emotional abuse probably started earlier than you think, you just would not have realised it because it would more than likely be something that could be written off as humour or being misinterpreted. They test the water and erode away your self belief and confidence before upping the ante.

If you have not already done so I’d highly recommend the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

I'm still having light bulb moments about my ex, and he is long gone.

It's good you are near your family as abusers like to get you away from family. Do you think he made the move difficult on purpose.

He is abusive.
You need to plan your exit and definitely don't have another child.

If he asks questions like Are you a good parent? then flip it and ask are you?

Please tell your family how he treats you, you need their understanding and support.
Then prepare to separate (check name on deeds, does he have a private pension, screen shot all bank accounts you have between you, find a solicitor you like) it’s not about leaving now, it’s about being prepared for when/if you want to.
He IS emotionally abusive. You deserve better and so does your child.

A charming man makes a dangerous lover. The most charming man I’ve ever been involved with proved to be the most manipulative, controlling and EA person I’ve ever known. I’m still trying to recover. And like another poster said, I’m still having lightbulb moments.

Do you want to leave him? X

He seems like an alien person and not the nice person I met
He’s the same person, he just showed you the charming side he now saves for everyone else. Plenty of us have been there.

Like everyone else, start working on your exit strategy. It won’t get better.

In the meantime, google grey rock. Don’t get drawn into an argument trying to justify yourself, you won’t win that one.

I used to just say ‘yes you’re right’ and walk off. It’s hard took me a long time to get there, but once I realised I don’t really care what he thinks, I had No need to argue with him. He would literally follow me round trying to start a row, getting more annoyed when I didn’t take the bait.