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Relationships

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Original poster

Staying friends with ex for sake of child - should I stop?!

17 replies

MonicaRy · 20/12/2020 23:07

I was married for 3 years to man who break me. He was cheating with a lot of women and I found pics of videos of his cheating (worst day of my life - I still have nightmares and massive trust issues). He was also breaking up with me and then trying to get me back every 3-4months during the relationship which caused me a lot of anxiety and overall wasn’t very good to me. We have a child who is 3. I come from family where parents divorced and hated each other so I promised myself I won’t do that. I decided to stay friends. He is coming for Christmas and I even got him Christmas present. I am telling everyone how great it is we can still be friends and our child seems happy to have us both around. However, I am hurting. I feel sick when I see him and it gives me so much anxiety I wish I never have to see him again. Now I’m wondering why am I being so good to him ?! I make him coffee when he comes to be around his son. I send him pics of his son and tell him how he is doing daily... I want that for my son but I am struggling so much (it’s been a year now since break up)...

OP posts:

Original poster

MonicaRy · 20/12/2020 23:09

Also to add I’ve been told to be “too nice” and I know I’m massive people pleaser (even now I get anxious when he is moody that I said something I shouldn’t etc)

OP posts:

category12 · 20/12/2020 23:18

Yes, you're being too nice at your own expense. You need to create distance and give yourself time and headroom to heal and move on with life.

You're not friends - he treated you like crap. You're co-parents. You can be amicable, but there's no need to put yourself through the emotional wringer like this.

I suggest in the new year, you change the dynamic:

instead, he takes your son out in his contact time,
you don't invite him in but meet him at the doorstep and send them off together
you reduce the texts and picture updates, so you're not having to think about him everyday.
your son can have two Christmases next year, one with his dad, one with you.

category12 · 20/12/2020 23:25

I think it's right to buy him a present from your son (and later on help your son buy for him) but not from you.

Original poster

MonicaRy · 20/12/2020 23:28

We do Santa so I just wanted my son to know that it’s not all about him and Santa brought presents for mummy and daddy too

OP posts:

Original poster

MonicaRy · 20/12/2020 23:31

@Category12 thank you - that list sounds good I will definitely create one for 2021. Unfortunately he has to watch our son here at my place because I work overnights and his dad lives in share house 😓

OP posts:

BexR · 20/12/2020 23:34

I have an awful ex too. Like you I was probably too pleasant in the early days.

My goal now is to make sure handover isnt an unpleasant atmosphere, whilst not falling into doormat role (which I absolutely never want DC to see me as, it would be an awful message to pass on).

I try to think of ex like I do the postman...I smile and say good morning, get my parcel, progress with my day. Nobody is left feeling confused or that theres a weird undercurrent.

MiddlesexGirl · 20/12/2020 23:38

Is there any chance at all of rearranging things so that ex is not the childcare for your DC?
Is this really an arrangement you see lasting until your DC is nearly adult?

Original poster

MonicaRy · 20/12/2020 23:42

@MiddlesexGirl not sure what do you mean by that?! No I definitely not see this lasting ... i also make our child snacks/lunch, pack spare clothes when he goes with his dad (not sure why I do that - he is his dad he should cook for him/make him snacks)

OP posts:

taskmasterfan · 20/12/2020 23:52

Friendly not friends is my advice. And stop being a wife-no more making coffees and lunches.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/12/2020 03:36

There's nice and there is self harm. This is a form of self harm. It's affecting your mental health and an unhappy, stressed mum whose headspace is being affected is not good for their child. Don't sacrifice your mental health. Be civil, nothing more - you aren't friends and don't need to be. Be reasonable not a martyr.

Crinkletinkle · 21/12/2020 06:04

You don't need to be friends with him.

I treat my ex in the same way I would a colleague I dislike but who must work with on a crucial and long term project. To me, that means being respectful and thinking through every decision in terms of the long term best interests of our child.

But also to protect my own mental health, I am very much on my guard around him, and i do not interact with him more than I need too. I found the grey rock technique helpful in the early years.

Original poster

MonicaRy · 21/12/2020 08:56

@Crinkletinkle Definitely need to check grey rock technique - never heard of it

OP posts:

Spritesobright · 21/12/2020 09:26

Agree with PP. Quick handover at the door, info about the DC. That's it. I've even stopped asking how he is doing after he told me he was down about breaking up with OW!
He's not your friend and your son doesn't need you to be friends. Just to be civil. It will be better for your self esteem as well and that's a positive thing for your son. Your son doesn't need to see you still being treated like a doormat and compensating for your ex by making lunch and snacks.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/12/2020 09:30

Make this the year things change OP. You do not need to be his friend, you can be his respectful and respected co-parent, but you do not need to be pals. Nor do you need to be his enabler - he needs to sort accommodation that is suitable for his son and he needs to feed his bloody son himself!

Do what you need to do to get through Christmas without any conflict (things are tough enough right now) but from 2021, change the arrangements to ones that suit two grown adults.

SainsIsOrange · 21/12/2020 10:19

You AREN'T friends. Agree with PPs that keeping things polite is all you need aim for.
However - is there anyone on his side of the family that you actually have some time for? Who you like or even just respect a bit? Where I'm coming from there is that half of your child's heritage comes from that side of the family, and it makes a lot of difference if you can say things like,
"That's just like your Auntie Helen haha!" Where you both like her, rather than
OMG that's just like your bloody father

And failing that - see if you can find one genuinely positive aspect of your ex. Is he nice to his sister? Folds laundry well? Keeps his car clean? Anything (!!!). You have every reason to dislike him but from experience, it really does help a kid if a parent is able to say something good about the other one.

Wanderlusto · 21/12/2020 10:35

You can't 'stay friends' with someone who isn't your friend in the first place. He doesn't even like you or have basic respect for you.

Teach your child that someone who doesn't treat you right, does not get to remain part of your life. It's a good life lesson. So that they grow up respecting themselves and knowing their own worth and not taking shit from assholes.

SandyY2K · 21/12/2020 11:11

I send him pics of his son and tell him how he is doing daily...

Sending pics is okay and nice...
You don't need to tell him how he is on a daily basis.

Does he appreciate the pics and updates?

The Christmas present...it's up to you, but if I felt the effort was one sided, I'd stop doing personally. He's already taken you for a fool and disrespected you with his previous serial cheating...so I wouldn't want to be a taken advantage of any more.

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