To ask how to stop MIL resentment

[christmasgrinch99]

DH and I have been together 20 years. Married for 18.
The 1st 4-5 years I made a real effort with MIL. Used to arrange coffee, lunch etc. Take her to the garden centre, that kind of thing. Basically tried to forge a relationship.
We have always been very different and have very little in common but thought we ticked along ok. We did have some friction. I'm not the type of woman she would have chose for DH and she preferred his EX wife.
Any way, 5 or so years into our relationship I became very unwell. Spent time in a psychiatric hospital, lots of different meds etc. It turned out that when this happen she encouraged DH (then BF) to leave me, he didn't and 15 years later we are still together.
I now have very little to do with my PIL. I'm not rude or anything but kind of do the bare minimum in terms of contact.
I really want to know how to handle the resentment I feel towards her. My tolerance of her has completely diminished since the incident and I can't seem to forgive.
I'm worried that when she dies DH is going to feel resentful that I didn't forgive and forget. He wants us just to have a normal easygoing relationship, I do too but I feel stuck.
DH blames her lack of understanding of MH for what happened but for me it feels like a massive rejection of who I am. After all she had known me for 5 years by that point.
How can I move forward?

Maybe she was trying to protect her son, and if she’s old she may not get mh issues.... essentially you won - you’re healthy I hope and you’re still with your dh.

DH and I have been together 20 years. Married for 18.

Any way, 5 or so years into our relationship I became very unwell. Spent time in a psychiatric hospital, lots of different meds etc. It turned out that when this happen she encouraged ^DH (then BF)& to leave me

There's a variation in timing there.....but I'll be honest, the issue here is your DH telling you what his mum said.

It's more out of concern that she said this, because as a parent I would worry about my child taking on an ill partner...just being honest.

It's not everything your parents say about your girlfriend or wife that you should tell them...because it serves no positive purpose.

I don't understand...you said you were together for 2 years before marriage but later on say 5 years in he was still your boyfriend

In any case, hope you're doing much better now

To be honest, I very much doubt she meant to be unkind, she was simply looking out for what is best for her son which is completely natural. As a mother, she'd be worried whether he'd be able to cope with supporting you and the impact your illness will have on him. If you were admitted and were put on lots of different meds, it means the mental health issues you had were very severe. I have friends with various mental heath issues and the impacts on families/partners can be huge, and the person who is unwell does not always fully realise the impact on those close to them. Not everyone can handle severe health issues (mental or physical), and it wouldn't be helpful to you either to have someone who couldn't cope.

I agree with the poster above that your DH shouldn't have even told you about what she said but I'm sure he regrets it now! I would just let bygones be bygones and move on, otherwise it will put strain within the family and would just prove her point.

@christmasgrinch99 I get why you are so hurt but I think she was probably driven by instinct to look out for her son. She may have been afraid that you may never fully recover and that your illness may, in time, negatively impact her son's mental health. I think that would be a worry for any parent tbh and I say that as someone who has had mental health struggles myself (including 6 months on a psychiatric ward as a teenager).

I'd say it was only unforgivable if she'd encouraged him to break up with you to purposely hurt you or cause you pain. I don't think that's the case though, I think (in her mind at least) she was trying to protect her son. She maybe couldn't see a happy future for him and I think that's all parents want for their children. I'm sure she's relieved to have been proved wrong given you've stayed together and are now in a happier place.