Mother is so critical of me?

[User102738362]

Ever since I was young my mother has been so critical of me. It really affected me growing up and since the age of 9/10 I’ve suffered with mental illness.

I’ve always wanted to break off the relationship but I don’t have much family so if I cut off my mother it’d make my father and brother distance from me and then I’d have just DH who in a sense is all I need, he’s my strength through everything and my best friend.

But he has a life and I don’t really. I don’t have friends due to years of missing school/not leaving the house. I’m approaching mid 20s with no friends and not much family (we’ve always been a really small family)

Me and DH have just started trying for a baby which is wonderful but I do have the worry that me and my child will have a relationship like me and my mother.

DH has heard her speak to me in certain ways sometimes and has bit his tongue and revealed to me later on he doesn’t enjoy anyone talking to me like that. I don’t either, I know my mother shouldn’t sugar coat things but she straight up insults me, then questions why I have confidence issues when she’s spent most of my life criticising me.

I did tell her me and DH were going to start trying for a baby and she seemed shocked and said “why do you want to be a mum so much?”
And then proceeded to say how I’d be a bad mum as I have no friends or social life and how I’m young and it’ll set me back and inhibit me from doing anything.

I’m very aware having a child is the biggest change of your life and I’m prepared to do it, all of the changes is worth it for them. I’m ready for my life to revolve around a little human and so is DH.

But yes, my mother being critical really upsets me. I’ve suffered with depression in the past and it’s been triggered recently due to the loss of a loved one. To which she’s said I really need to ‘lighten up’

Anyone else have a sh*t relationship with their mother? I do feel if she wasn’t critiquing me all the time we’d have a good relationship but now I just don’t want to tell her anything or share anything. She’s so judgmental

I had dc young, dm wasn't too bad as a dgm but as they turned from toddlers to young dc she started giving me unwanted advice. Our relationship deteriorated until it was nc. For ten years! No regrets from me. I embraced motherhood and she could not grasp that. I wasn't planned and she resented me I felt. My dc were very much wanted. We tried to salvage something after 10 years but it wasn't working for me. Been 8 years now. Won't be trying again.
Yanbu to spell out she needs to back off as you aren't obliged to have her in your life.

God yes.

My strategies are basically;

Stop engaging with her on a meaningful level and keep everything ‘professional’. Grey rock and your friend is a good neutral response to all news

Stop living according to her value system. There will be some deep part of your brain telling you she’s right and she’s the ultimate judge of things. NO! Her thinking is skewed, tell yourself inviting her opinion in any way as much use as asking a dog about the foreign policy.

My relationship with mine has been rockier but I’ve been happier since I’ve put in iron clad boundaries. It’s like teaching a toddler, be consistent and always follow through

Also make decisions and act first, let her know about anything you want way down the line. DONT speak to her beforehand on anything re decisions from the minute (what do you think of the curtains I’m planning for the living room) to the massive (how to parent etc)

Your decisions are your own and you’re allowed to make them

Thank you both. It’s hard for me I’m desperate to distance myself but so scared of being lonely and not having any family close to me as it’s already small enough.

DH is adamant though that when we have kids she will not be inserting herself into our lives like she does now. And I do agree with him, she is very judgmental and I don’t like the thought of my kids being influenced by her.

I have no family except dh and dc. Also nc with df..
Ime no extended family is better than ones that damage your mh.

Maybe get the boundaries in now, don’t wait for a mystical time in the future when you have kids because a) yes you’ll feel stronger because you’ll be acting in your children’s best interests and that will give you strength but b) she’ll lay on the ‘but I’m their grandmotherrrrrr’ whining and that’s another thing to feel guilty about.

Loneliness is a reality for lot of people but can be countered through all sorts of things, and I think a life lived under the kosh of your mums nonsense is way too high a price. You being happy matters!!

Could your husband speak to her and tell to knock it off? Bullies like your mum hate other people knowing what they're like.

I actually found having DC was the making of me with regard to confidence. I had a solid reason to speak to other mums and built-in topics of standard conversation, which was comforting in terms of social anxiety. It also made me more secure in my opinion that my mum knew she was being an arsehole to me as a child and didn't care, which helped me to be firm with her later on.

Having small children gives you lots of opportunities to make friends. You can go to baby groups, get to know other mums to be at ante natal classes and so on. You will have a whole new reason to reach out to people. Don't let your mum's doom mongering put you off.

I agree with your husband. Don't have regular contact with her once you have a child. In fact start cutting it back now. She doesn't sound at all nice, and I imagine she's afraid that having your own child will give you your own role in life and more independence from her, which is exactly what she doesn't want. Also, once you feel the love you can have for your own baby, you'll realise exactly how shit a mum she's being to you.

The Stately Homes threads on here are for people with toxic parents. I suggest you post these. Those posters will get where you're coming from and be able to advise.

Your dh sounds lovely and supportive, but it does sound as if you would like to get yourself some friends? When Covid is behind us, it might be a good idea to tackle that actively, e.g. joining some sort of club where you can just turn up each week and be in a group. That would help make up a bit for any shrinking of your social circle due to spending less time with your abuser. But honestly, she is just one person, and it doesn't sound like she contributes anything positive? Sounds to me as if you'd be better off with one less person, if it is her.
Have you had therapy for this specific issue?

Get some therapy. A lot of therapy.

It's hard to shake off the effects of a mother. But if you can, it will change your life and you might be much happier than you can now imagine.

You sound like a really nice person OP, who is suffering from depression and confidence issues. Your mum sounds horrid. That's not your doing and you can't change her. If you can, as others have said, step back, starting now and don't let her dictate. If you have a child, you'll be a great mum as you already know how NOT to do it, so you will be loving, kind and supportive. Go for it, I promise it won't be the same relationship you have with your mother. As for friends, I made loads when I had my daughter, at mother and baby groups and later the school gates...ypu don't have to be brimming with confidence, I certainly wasn't. Grab what YOU want from life, not what your toxic mother tells you

Yes, I can relate and in my case it's generational mother on daughter abuse going back several generations. Not much physical abuse other than some slaps on the face (not me, but Mother was slapped by her mother), but there was/is lots of verbal and emotional abuse coupled with neglect and dismissiveness.

The Stately Homes thread is fantastic....

She sounds abusive and narcissistic OP. Please google 'adult daughters of narcissistic mothers' and realise that you 'not feeling good enough' is all about her and not you.

Ironically it took a while for me to realise there's something not quite right with my mother too, and it was only when I became a parent that I noticed her attitude towards my son and towards me as a mother to my son.

Your DH sounds supportive and I suspect he is right in his opinion of her. I wish you all the best with becoming a mum yourself and if you feel the time is right for you then you should go ahead and ignore your opinions. She is trying to control you and some of what she is saying is probably projection of her own issues. Please try to keep level headed and distance yourself emotionally from her. By all means be civil if you don't feel you can cut contact, but don't tell her your deep and meaningful feelings as it will be met with either non empathetic responses, or criticism, which will make you feel worse. I've learnt this the hard way. I'm still in contact with mine but i'm adjusting my interactions with her to protect myself. I generally keep the conversation focused on her (which she enjoys anyway) and keep my deepest thoughts or worries to myself nowadays. As a pp suggested, have a look on the stately homes thread you might find other people who can relate. Stay strong and best wishes to you

*ignore her opinions - sorry I should have proof read my thread

Definitely distance yourself now. I found the cracks in my relationship with my mum widened hugely after I became a parent. I suddenly realised that how she treated me was not ok and not how I wanted to parent my children.

I also had/have a fear of being like her. Therapy is helping me with that.