High-flying career and difficulties with dating

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi everyone, I am feeling a little low today so please go easy on me!

I am 31, never been married and no DC. During the last decade I focused so much of my energy on building a good career, living in different countries, and generally figuring out who I was and what I wanted from life. I have a lot of friends, am in goo shape and nice looking (hope that doesn't sound arrogant but I wanted to give full context!).

However I am starting to suspect that investing so much into my career and in general in my "professional self" has made it somewhat harder to connect with men romantically. In order to grow professionally (I manage a team) I had to learn how to be kind but assertive, and how to communicate clearly and transparently. Overtime my professional successes have also made me more confident in my intellectual abilities, which is awesome of course! I have also put a lot of effort on becoming financially stable and independent, having a pension plan, savings, investments and so on.

I feel like I have a much stronger sense now of who I am in the world, compared to my early and mid 20s. However when I am in a dating context, I feel like I would have more success if I was "sweeter", "nicer", and less driven. I seem to attract a lot of happy-go-lucky types who are looking for a mummy but with very little plans for their lives, but with men who are more similar to me in outlook and goals, I seem to have less luck. I get a lot of matches and go on a lot of dates, but I get a sense that they are looking for someone more lighthearted and free spirited perhaps?

As a disclaimer, I love having a laugh and I have a sense of humour, so I am not some sort of corporate Grinch. However I don't hide the fact that I am very invested in my career, and I guess I tend to bring some parts of my "professional self" into dating as it is such a big part of my identity.

I am starting to wonder if growing into a more mature, successful and secure woman is holding me back from finding love? Has anyone experienced the same? If I sound completely delusional please let me know

How do you honestly come across in the early dating days of people you meet? Are you expecting any potential partner to wrap themselves around your career like some bolt on accessory? Relationships in the early days are supposed to be a bit carefree and fun as you sound each other out but equally it's easy to pick up a vibe from somone that you are not priority to other life goals.

You sound totally normal to me. You’ve spent a decade focused on your career (though it sounds like you’ve built good friends, and financial position etc) so your career is what’s grown.

If you want a serious relationship now you will need to switch gears a bit to make room for it and be focused on finding it (I don’t mean act like datezilla, but if you want a long term relationship, no point wasting too much time with those who don’t.)

I do think you need to allow yourself to leave your professional self behind a bit, because this is about your personal self. That can be hard and a bit scary if you aren’t used to doing that, but everyone feels vulnerable when they’re looking for a partner.

What you don’t need to do is change yourself or listen to the jealous miseries on here suggesting you can’t have a career and a relationship and kids. You can if you want - and their are different ways to make it work.

The most important thing to do is find a bloke who is willing to be an equal parter in everything - 50% childcare, life admin etc, and between you decide how to organise your lives.

@partyatthepalace

You sound totally normal to me. You’ve spent a decade focused on your career (though it sounds like you’ve built good friends, and financial position etc) so your career is what’s grown.

If you want a serious relationship now you will need to switch gears a bit to make room for it and be focused on finding it (I don’t mean act like datezilla, but if you want a long term relationship, no point wasting too much time with those who don’t.)

I do think you need to allow yourself to leave your professional self behind a bit, because this is about your personal self. That can be hard and a bit scary if you aren’t used to doing that, but everyone feels vulnerable when they’re looking for a partner.

What you don’t need to do is change yourself or listen to the jealous miseries on here suggesting you can’t have a career and a relationship and kids. You can if you want - and their are different ways to make it work.

The most important thing to do is find a bloke who is willing to be an equal parter in everything - 50% childcare, life admin etc, and between you decide how to organise your lives.

Seconded!

I think if I were in my 30s and looking for a partner now I'd probably go the matchmaking agency route. Costs but it's professional and both sides are clear about what they want. And I do have to agree that you seem a bit hazy about what you want, and clarifying it might help. If you do want marriage on the whole, don't be shy about it. And if you are really so unbothered about DC, perhaps you don't want them at all. Would you consider a man with existing DC? This will get increasingly likely.

Agree with the matchmaking agency.
They will be vetted already.
I wouldn't waste anymore time with OLD.
Conferences, arts, places were other professionals might go after work.
Maybe a teacher or an artist. Someone a little less driven who would enjoy keeping the home fires burning for you.

How do you honestly come across in the early dating days of people you meet? Are you expecting any potential partner to wrap themselves around your career like some bolt on accessory?

On dates I try my best to be upbeat and funny, but I naturally mention my job as it is such a big part of my life. I suspect it appears quite clear that I am a dedicated professional and relatively high on the corporate ladder (for my age!) based on the way I speak about it.

The truth is that I really want a committed relationship, but I care about my career a lot too! I don't know if hiding that side of my life and personality would lead to a true good match, as it would essentially be based on a lie.

@Respectabitch I never thought about a matchmaking service, I'll do a little research on Google to see what is available.

As for dating men with DC, my last relationship was with an older man with DC and it was a terrible experience. I constantly came at the bottom of his priority list, he couldn't find a way to balance his parenting responsibilities and our relationship. I was always the one having to make sacrifices to accomodate his family life. The whole thing ended in heartbreak.

To be honest the whole experience was so horrendous that has really put me off from dating men with DC unless they are fully grown.

On dates I try my best to be upbeat and funny, but I naturally mention my job as it is such a big part of my life. I suspect it appears quite clear that I am a dedicated professional and relatively high on the corporate ladder (for my age!) based on the way I speak about it.

The truth is that I really want a committed relationship, but I care about my career a lot too! I don't know if hiding that side of my life and personality would lead to a true good match, as it would essentially be based on a lie.

Nothing wrong with you being career focused and no you should not have to 'hide' that aspect of your life. I ran the gauntlet of internet dating on and off for about five years before finding my wife. Met all sorts of people including quite a few high flyer city types. With the latter, despite often being great company on dates I often got the vibe that you would be a distant second to the demands of their job. I was not expecting people to drop everything for me but equally I did not want to date someone whereby your encounters felt like an appointment in a dairy rather then a spontaneous date. For what it is worth, through my late 20s and 30s I was very career focused and spent a lot of time travelling overseas, often at very short notice, and it was very hard to date in the normal fashion as I was constantly having to cancel or rearrange dinners/drinks. It was just not fair on them really and I stepped away from serious dating until I was a bit more settled in one place and I was more free timewise.

The truth is that I really want a committed relationship, but I care about my career a lot too! I don't know if hiding that side of my life and personality would lead to a true good match, as it would essentially be based on a lie.

I don't think it would be either, and I don't think the right partner for you would be put off. Both DH and I care a lot about our careers and need stimulating, interesting work. DH always says that one of the reasons he married me is that I am smarter and more driven than he is. I am currently not as senior as he is, but that has less to do with my gender and more to do with the fact that personality-wise, I am not really cut out to lead big teams - and it doesn't stop me being very driven to achieve in other ways.

I’m in a similar position to you and happily dating a man 5 years younger than me who is also doing well in his career but is naturally several years behind me. It works well for us.

It will depend on where you live and where you are meeting men, OP. The South East is better than provincial cities. I also suspect that you aren't aiming high enough. I'm similar to you, met a couple of men here who, on paper, were quite similar to me in career, education and looks, and they did nothing but mess me (and others) around. They're terribly arrogant for what they are. Horrible really to go through that. I also formed the impression, based on men I knew, that a lot of them prefer a women who is less educated than them and with many a part time job or one which doens't require qualifications, and who is ideally a little plain, so they can feel superior and then flirt and mess around with other women, because they think she won't notice or will turn a blind eye. I don't know if thats true or not but since it has actually been something I've observed it might be in some cases.

Then I went on a summer school in abroad and met a millionaire lawyer from Germany and really clicked with him. Can't see him due to Covid but he's so much better on every level. There are certain places where people with good careers meet similar people, and they aren't local running clubs or online dating. International summer schools is one of them, I don't know of any others but they must exist.

What are the contact details for that summer school, @GreenlandTheMovie? 😉

I am pretty open about what that could look like, as in with DC or without, married or not. I know I'd like to cohabit with a partner, but I don't have precise expectations about the rest.
Do you mean that you haven't thought about whether you would like children yourself? That would make quite a difference to your timeline. And if you are not bothered about children or decide that they aren't really going to fit in with the lifestyle you would like, then you could go for quite a different kind of man/relationship to the one you'd be looking for if you did want children.

I feel like I would have more success if I was "sweeter", "nicer", and less driven.
You need to distinguish between a higher "hit rate" and more success. Those are not the same thing.

@Respectabitch

But I'm not "100% dedicated" to anything in my life. I have all kinds of priorities. I value my marriage above any individual job if it came to a choice, but not above my career.

You just seem to be making this very zero sum like it's not possible for the OP to be really dedicated to her career and also have a relationship. And it is. Your ideal of "100% dedicated to the relationship" makes me want to run away.

Your ideal of "100% dedicated to the relationship" makes me want to run away

Fair enough. It all comes down to differences in values. It will also be why the OP is finding some of those men are running away from her.

For me personally, my kids/marriage would be my overall overriding priority rather than just another adjunct in my life to juggle. I would only marry someone with the same values as I would not be compatible with any man who sees me and our kids as just one of the pieces in his life to juggle around while he prioritises his career.

I've sacrificed a lot for my career in terms of time and money to work on things I'm passionate about and to develop myself (a lot of what the OP says resonates with me), and focused on this in my 20s instead of having kids.

I would still plan to continue with my career while having kids but will always prioritise spending quality time with them/my family especially while they're young, over everything else. I'm happy enough to put my kids in childcare so I can spend time in a job that fulfils me, but there's a limit to this. To me, there's no point spending a sizable chunk of the money I'm earning to pay for nannies etc. for me "to have it all" if it meant I barely see enough of my own young children during the weekdays to cover for me working consistently long hours in a high stress job, or not spend enough quality time with the person I love and chose to marry.

It ultimately comes down to what one values. I have to be with someone who supports and values my career, however quality time with the people I love is what makes me happy, and no one job to me is more important than that. For others, money or what their boss thinks of them, status, their position in the company etc. are their top values so it's understandable that they would think differently, or are happy enough in relationships where careers are the centre of their lives and everything else, including family, is slotted around it.

Whatever values one holds is what makes or breaks relationships, and is key to compatiblilty, so the OP should absolutely continue being herself around the men she dates.