FTM are my requests to partner unreasonable

[lucylu37]

I’m hoping to get some opinions, as my mind is so confused and was hoping you guys would be able to give some impartial views! I have a ten week old baby girl, who is gorgeous! The relationship with my partner is really strained at the moment and we have argued a lot since she was born! He started a new job the week she was born, so I have voluntarily done all the nights and slept downstairs for the past ten weeks so he can concentrate on his job! Over the past week we’ve moved into the same room, as she sleeps more during the night now! My partner loves the baby but has a very relaxed attitude to the point I find it really frustrating! If he changes her nappy there are many times after I discover he hasn’t done the baby vest up properly and other times just hasn’t done it up at all, then put the baby grow over the top! Other time’s he won’t put the baby grow back on and will go to put her to sleep with just a vest on! When I first asked him if he would dress her properly he said she’s fine what’s the big deal! Now when I ask him he tells me to shut up and tells me I have OCD! I’ve also been trying to get her in a really calm space in the early evening but he comes home from work and excites her! Again when I’ve tried to explain he tells me to just stop Moaning! Last night he said he’s going to take the baby to see two of his friends in separate locations, I explained that it was tier four but his reply wAs she’s my baby stop trying to control me and used the fact I took her to a socially distanced baby sensory class against me (which I had asked if he wanted to go instead of me but he said no and laughed it off) Again, I don’t feel my request is unreasonable.
It’s got to a point now where the lack of respect for me as a mother makes me feel quite depressed and the genuine requests I’ve asked from him now come across as rude and snappy! If he spends a day with her and then I go to change her or feed/play with her he says things like ‘don’t do that she doesn’t like that’ or if he changes her out of an outfit I’ve put her in that he doesn’t like he says things like ‘daddy will put you in nice outfit today and get you out of those uncomfortable clothes.’ I’ve tried to talk to him about how I feel disrespected as the baby’s mother but he always says he does respect me, thinks I’m starting an argument or being sensitive and i can’t control him! My mind is completely muddled as I don’t think expecting to put babies clothes on properly is unreasonable! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I really want to be respected as a mother! I put so much time, care and effort into looking after the baby and want to work as a partnership but st the moment it feels like two different people trying to look after one child! I feel the way he is being is starting to make me feel depressed and a failure as a mother. Thanks in advance for reading.

Your baby is still very young, I'm not sure it's right for him to just take her away to see his friends at this stage, especially if breastfeeding.

The weird passive aggressive stuff with clothes is not nice. It's hard having a new baby but it does sound like he is venting his frustration on you.

Hi op, congratulations on your baby!
First of all, I was going to stop reading where you said YOU were sleeping downstairs...?! What on earth?! You had just had a baby, there should have been no way you were the one sleeping on presumably the sofa...?
The way he seems to talk to you is incredibly disrespectful, I don't have all that much time to write a full reply but I think you need to be quite aware that the way he is talking to you and undermining you is not normal and is extremely disrespectful. Don't get use to this and start to think it is normal, it's not.

It sounds like you have two very different styles of parenting. You each think you're doing the best thing for the baby and you both sound very active in baby's care which is great.
Telling you that you have OCD and need to shut up is massively disrespectful and totally unhelpful.
Would you consider joint counselling to get your feelings out on the table and hopefully get on the same page?

Take the baby and go to your family if you can. You are doing all the nights and all the grunt work and all he is doing is treating you like shit. I up with this for DH and wish I had up and left rather than allowing myself to be so disrespected. Be prepared that your relationship may not survive this and prepare accordingly with your support network or back to work plans.

Your DP should not have been ok with you sleeping on the sofa when you are recovering from giving birth and nursing a baby! Ok he has a new job but so what? He should have been a bit more respectful.

You clearly have different parenting styles and he seems far too relaxed with the baby. He shouldnt be taking her out to meet people in the evenings! I think you need a serious conversation and he needs to respect the way you - as mum and primary carer - wants to do things.

• why are you sleeping on the sofa?
• it’s fine not to do up a vest exactly.
• it’s not fine to break rules with a newborn baby.

How much does he DO with a baby? My DH at around 10 weeks was waking up early, doing a load of laundry, emptying the dishwasher, making me tea and toast and a sandwich for lunch and having a quick shower. Meanwhile I would get up and feed and change the baby. DH would take baby and play while I ate breakfast and had a shower.
So by the time he left home the house was clean, jobs were done and there was a sandwich for lunch. Also I was showered and feeling vaguely human.

DH has also always acknowledged that my ‘work’ on maternity leave was far more relentless than his where he could take the odd tea break or go to the loo in peace. And has always done weekend mornings. And bath times on most weekdays if he got back in time.

None of this makes him dad of the year btw. Just an equal parent. And by the time I went back to work he was cooking on the weekends etc, doing school runs for the older kid.

I am laying this out to show you that equal parenting is possible. Don’t settle for less. Maternity leave is NOT a holiday. DH would do the same winding up before bedtime thing but it was his job to do bath time and bedtime (I breastfed and handed the kids back to them) so he quickly learned not to wind them up. Same with the vests. Once he’d changed a few shitty nappies because he hadn’t done the vest properly he stopped dicking around.

I think what you are going through is quite typical of what many young families deal with when babies arrive.
Babies change the dynamics of a relationship. And it takes a while to adjust to it. You used to be two equal partners and now with the baby - one of you feels like they are more of a driver. And it is justified somewhat by us being the person who gave birth and providing majority of care.
However - tricky as it is - men also need to have a way to connect with the baby and feel that they matter as fathers.
So the arguments you are having are NOT really about the baby grows, etc. It’s the two of you figuring out your roles.

It is very easy for the woman to play the ‘but I am the mother and know best, you must just do as told’ - card. However it isn’t the best strategy for the long term and doesn’t lead to a good relationship - which is what I hope you want for yourself and your baby.

No one parenting style is exactly the same as the other person. You will find that you will disagree on a lot of things as you go along. And you can’t constantly use ‘but I am the mother’ argument. You need to find a way to deal with the fact that he will do things differently from you, and that that is OK too.
Barring safety issues - there are very few arguments that are really so important. There is no one way to raise a child.

Would it be nicer for babygro to be fastened properly - sure. Does it really matter, or does it warrant negativity and adding resentment over power imbalance in a relationship - NO.
And same for many of your arguments.

Congratulations over your baby! And hope you two will slowly settle into a routine when both of you get to feel like an equal parent.

He’s not relaxed, he’s just lazy!

Your decision to sleep downstairs wasn’t being supportive, it was enabling and now he’s got a taste of doing the minimum he isn’t going to want to a more equal distribution.

I’d be wary of this one, he will continue to bully and manipulate you in some pathetic power struggle because he’s lazy and immature.

Your partner is disrespectful of you and also undermining you to boot. He should be supportive and you should be sharing the wonderful experience of your child together. I would not let.jom take a new baby out to meet.his friends who could be infected with Covid, especially if you live in London or SE. He does not sound like a keeper to me. He is telling you OCD when you are behaving in a normal and rational way.

It doesnt matter if the best isnt done up properly.

You should have had the bed to sleep in as you were recovering from childbirth.

He shouldn't be taking the baby out to friends houses.

What do you mean by outfit and what does he change her into. Some baby outfits look really uncomfortable to me too and I long to get them off completely random babies. If your baby is in those stupid jeans, jackets, baby shoes, frilly dresses, lumpy scratchy full of seams clothes, he is right to prioritise baby's comfort. If baby is in normal soft clothing, he's being weird.

Congratulations on your baby. You are doing an amazing job and if i were u i would’t let anyone tell you otherwise including him. I know how tough it can be looking after a young baby and trying to get everything else done you need all the support you can get. All you seem to be getting from him is critism not support, hes actually being abusive. Your baby is so young and need to build it an immune system, put your foot down don’t let him take baby anywhere.

Thank you everyone for replying! I really appreciate it and it has helped put a lot in perspective for me and given me a plan to move forwardI think with tiredness and hormones my perspective has been all over the place! Will definitely have a serious chat with him and the suggestion of counselling sounds a good idea, so we can both put our point across without each one biting back! I think after reading your replies there is compromise needed on both parts! But he also needs to talk to me in a more respectful manner too! Luckily this morning he has changed his mind about wanting to see friends, I'm not sure he totally understood the new rules! Think I need to stand my ground more but be more calm and collective in my approach and also pick my battles (work out when he is being Ok and when he is just acting like an idiot)! Again, really appreciate all your advice, sorry I don't have time to thank you all individually! hope you all have lovely Christmases despite the covid crap! Xxx

Oh and all the clothes she wears are very comfy, so he is just being an arse! And I agree I need more support and less criticism sometimes xxxx

As long as the baby is not too hot or cold why on earth does it matter if she has a vest on/off etc.?? Surely you're both too tired and stressed to be worrying about something so pointless anyway. He's just as much the baby parent as you are, and if he has a more relaxed parenting style, as long as the baby is safe and well cared for, just let things go. His behaviour sounds like his immature way of retaliating against what he sees as your controlling behaviour towards him as a parent. Be aware that respect is a mutual thing - you need to treat him too with the respect of an equal parent. It can be hard with hormones but there has to be an element of live and let live. Don't create arguments over small stuff, this period is tough enough and you both need to be pulling together. Things will get better as the baby gets older

What difficult job is your partner doing that you need to preserve his sleep at the expense of your comfort?

I’m a doctor and like most other female doctors I know, fed my child during the night and continued to work. Because the house doesn’t revolve around my difficult and demanding job.

Omg if my husband told me to "shut up" he'd be six feet under

Tbf, nighttime was just a baby grow, didn't put a vest on as well. I think to stop him enthusiastically playing with his DD when he comes in from work was a bad move. It's good that he's keen to interact with her after he's been apart at work all day. While I get where you are coming from, keeping her settled etc you really should of compromised on this and settle her later. The not doing the baby grow up, yes it's lazy, but, he's changing her nappy, something you should encourage. Be careful about being too critical, it makes men disengage and stops them doing things at all, which is the last thing you want. So yes pick your battles, you might have to sneak a peak and do the poppers up, that's not the end. Never miss an opportunity to give positive feedback. Yes, he should be better, yes life would be easier if you didn't have to and he had your standards, but for now, let him try, your home will be more harmonious that way.

@Opentooffers thanks for your response! This is really helpful and a great for me to see from his perspective! As you say the poppers not done up is not a big thing. Really appreciate your reply.

Honestly, he sounds like a passive aggressive selfish wanker.

He sounds like a dickhead. Yes the baby should be dressed properly and not half arsed. No he shouldn't be breaking rules to take her out.