I hate myself and don’t know what to do

[Dotts]

I’m so sad and not sure how to go on. In January I had a miscarriage, early on and an infection. I got pregnant again in April and had bleeding, went to hospital and they said I was miscarrying, to come back if still in pain and bleeding after another few days. I had to go back. When there they did a scan. They said they could see the sac but no fetal pole or evidence of ongoing pregnancy. I was distraught and scared and my DP of 4 years had left me during this. I was told I couldn’t have medical management yet as it was a bit too early to fully confirm miscarriage. They said I couldn’t come back for another appointment until may as covid meant limited slots and if I was seriously unwell I should go to a and e, but basically I would probably miscarry and be ok. I was worried about infection after last time and the only other option I was given was to elect to terminate- ie to take the medical management (sometimes the hormone blocker is used in miscarriage where pregnancy isn’t viable). Anyway, I elected to do this in a state of panic and not wanting to wait. I miscarried fully the same day and didn’t need further tablets. I was told this simply confirmed I was miscarrying already as it was so easily passed.

Anyway, I battled for months looking at my notes saying termination on them. I can’t help but wonder if I had waited would it have been viable? I’ve sought medical advice on this privately and both consultants said it sounded like I was miscarrying and the fact it happened so swiftly after I took the first tablet and didn’t need the rest just backs the evidence up. One said even if it was viable there was no fetal pole on the scan so there was effectively nothing there when it happened. I feel so confused by it all and also sad that had it not been the pandemic I would have simply had another appointment a week later rather than being in the position where I had to wait 4 weeks which made it all so stressful. I didn’t want to risk infection.

I’ve had therapy and still am. I feel moments of guilt and sadness still and also terrified I won’t have a pregnancy again. I’ve had a fertility check and all was ok bar a couple of cysts. But I’m single now and old, I worry someone wouldn’t understand what I’ve been through and question what I did. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart and this was the year I thought me and DP would have a family and now I have nothing.

Anyone?

I’m sorry you’ve had a really bad time. I guess having some time to yourself to exercise, rest and get healthy may help? I know it is hard at the moment. you could look at breaking up with DP as a positive - in that you haven’t wasted more time (when it wouldn’t have worked out). Sorry - I don’t mean to sound trite, but all the very best.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Have you got family and friends to support you?

It sounds like you miscarried - I've had a termination using the tablets and it doesn't happen that swiftly so try not to dwell on the wording. Don't blame yourself, there was nothing you could have done and it isn't your fault. You need to repeat this to yourself as much as possible until you accept this as a fact.

I've had two miscarriages and it's never easy. I tell myself that the miscarriage was my body's way of saying something wasn't right this time around. Not everyone can be pragmatic but if I didn't tell myself that my body was doing right by me, I think I'd go mad. I haven't been able to get pregnant since my second miscarriage so it's an ongoing battle with my dark thoughts and I sympathise with you.

Be kind to yourself OP. This wasn't your fault.

@AramintaLee thanks. That’s what the consultant said. It’s hard not to think it over though. Do you think the miscarriages are linked to the termination? I’m also worried that I even took one of the tablets and what impact that may have had.

You poor thing, you've been through the wringer. You must not blame yourself, as everyone has said, including medical professionals, it was a second non viable pregnancy and you were already miscarrying. You have to see this as a positive, now you have no connection and no need to stay in touch with an ex who hurt you badly. You can start afresh in a new relationship, whcih I am sure you will do. How old are you?

@pinbinpin I’m 35, just. I feel very scared about the future. I also don’t know how to explain what happened to anyone new. I don’t think they’d understand.

[quote Dotts]@AramintaLee thanks. That’s what the consultant said. It’s hard not to think it over though. Do you think the miscarriages are linked to the termination? I’m also worried that I even took one of the tablets and what impact that may have had.[/quote]
No, I don't think it's linked and my Doctor assured me that having the termination when I was 18 didn't cause my miscarriages later on. Plenty of women who have terminations go on to have successful pregnancies so please try not to worry.

Honestly, I just think my body was saying something was amiss and the pregnancy wouldn't be a healthy/safe one.
If you had an infection in January, maybe your body just hadn't had enough time to recover and wasn't ready just yet?

Whatever it was, it wasn't anything that YOU did. It sounds like you've had a rotten time and your DP leaving during this won't have helped the intrusive thoughts. I tend to think when we're sad, we tend to pile extra baggage on ourselves to make us feel even worse.

@AramintaLee thanks for replying. I think part of my turmoil is the idea I’ve now damaged myself by taking that tablet. And I won’t know will I as I’m single and not trying again yet. I also worry that taking it later in life at this age would be more damaging. I don’t know. My mind is full of panic and despite having a check up scan they can’t see anything that needs addressing. I don’t know how anyone new would understand what I’ve been through or not judge me for it

[quote Dotts]@AramintaLee thanks for replying. I think part of my turmoil is the idea I’ve now damaged myself by taking that tablet. And I won’t know will I as I’m single and not trying again yet. I also worry that taking it later in life at this age would be more damaging. I don’t know. My mind is full of panic and despite having a check up scan they can’t see anything that needs addressing. I don’t know how anyone new would understand what I’ve been through or not judge me for it[/quote]
If anyone judges you for it, they're clearly not worth your time. You're still young and presumably healthy. Take your time to grieve your loss and don't rush things because you'll only stress yourself out and that won't help things. Give your body and your mind time to heal.

I don't think you would have damaged yourself with one tablet and I'm sure your GP can reassure you of this so that might take a weight off your mind xx

Ahh OP glad you are going to therapy, lots of talk about here - you haven’t broken anything and who just who would judge you for having two miscarriages? Only a moron and who would want to be with them??

I had exactly the kind of miscarriage you describe. Blighted ovum they called it - empty sac. I also took the medical management and had to have a D&C afterwards. I've also had several past terminations in my early 20's.

Currently pregnant with a healthy baby.

You haven't damaged anything. Don't worry, I know it's hard not to, but I promise you haven't done anything. The nurse told me how common this is, and it really doesn't affect any future possibilities.

You also made the right decision - that pregnancy wasn't viable. Choosing to do what you did was safer for you physically and mentally.

Don't let this awful period of time ruin your future. You can come through this, I promise.

I think at 35 you have time, don't worry. I have several friends with children same age as my children who hadn't even met their partners at 35, 3 or 4 in my NCT group with first baby (now a teenager) met early late thirties/forties and then had babies. Another friend had a termination at 32 with the tablets due to a long distance relationship not working out and conceived without trouble a few years later in a new relationship. I really don't thing the tablets impact future fertility, thousands of women take them and have multiple other pregnancies, please try not to worry about that.