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Relationships

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Original poster

Friends affair

23 replies

Namechange121212 · 19/12/2020 09:07

So I'm not sure what I should do about this and strongly suspect the answer might be "nothing"!

I need to keep this a bit vague as it's outing and not really about me, but think I can cover the main points.

I have a friendship group of a few couples with similar aged children, obviously this years been different but usually we holiday together once a year, see each other most weekends etc.

I've recently learned one of the partners in one of the couples has had an affair. This ended in February (apparently) and the other partner as decided to stay with them and make it work. They only found out a few months after it had ended as they were told by a mutual friend.

Normally I'd distance myself from someone who'd done that, but can't do that without distancing myself and my children from the whole group and killing our social lives - and distancing myself from the person I feel I should be supporting. As their partner has forgiven them should I do the same and treat them no differently? Especially as time has passed for them even though its new to me?

Also my partner doesn't know about it - I'm not sure if I should say anything to them? I'm stuck between feeling like I'm keeping something major from them, and feeling like it's just gossip and I should keep it to myself!

I don't think these details make any difference but just incase to avoid drop feeding - we were friends long before the children came along and do still meet up without children, but usually with children. The affair is know to have lasted 2 months but possibly much longer and was with someone from work. I only found out because a mutual friend made a comment thinking I already knew.

OP posts:

JimandPam · 19/12/2020 09:09

Honestly...this has nothing to do with you so I would carry on as normal. Their partner has forgiven them so you really have no grounds to treat them any differently.

It's up to you whether you tell your partner but I'm leaving towards it being gossip and not some big secret you're keeping from him?

user1493413286 · 19/12/2020 09:13

I don’t mean this rudely but you’re making a situation that has nothing to do with you about you. It’s the couples business and they’ve decided to stay together; you don’t have to like what’s happened but if you start treating the one who had an affair differently then you’ll make it harder on their partner who probably just wants to move on. I’m also not condoning affairs but no one really knows what’s happening in someone’s else’s relationship.

Dizzy1234 · 19/12/2020 09:16

I find it hard to forgive those who hurt the ones I love.
BIL cheated on my sister, ended the marriage, I can never interact with him again because of the hurt he caused, however if my sister had forgiven him I would have swallowed my feelings and acted normal with him.
That's what you should do, pretend nothings happened, act normally and quietly support your friend.
You should tell your DH, I would as we don't have secrets, it's not being a gossip.
It's been a shock for you I should imagine but if you cut your friends H off you could be on the outside of the friendship group and it's lonely with only your morals for company.
Support your friend, she's lucky to have you 💐

SpiderGwen · 19/12/2020 09:16

This is absolutely nothing to do with you. Why are you trying to insert yourself into it at all?

Is it that you don’t want to be friends with the cheating party anymore but feel you must for the sake of the group?

gamerchick · 19/12/2020 09:20

Yup none of your business OP. Let it drop.

Dery · 19/12/2020 09:22

I agree with @JimandPam. You understandably feel indignant on the injured spouse’s behalf and want to show loyalty to them, but they have decided to try to make the relationship work and won’t be helped by you distancing yourself and making things uncomfortable. Affairs happen for a multitude of reasons and couples can recover from them and even go on to a better place or certainly get back to a good place. That may be the case here. Even if not, you being offhand with the errant spouse won’t help anyone.

As for telling your partner - he doesn’t need to know.

Original poster

Namechange121212 · 19/12/2020 09:24

Yeah, you're all right - that is what I was leaning towards anyway and you all helped give me head a wobble!
I think I just feel like I should do something to help and support my friend, but anything that let's them know I know would probably do more harm than good. So I'll carry on - I think I'm just a bit shocked and it'll wear off!

I'm still on the fence about telling my partner though!

OP posts:

theleafandnotthetree · 19/12/2020 09:25

Surely it is the nature of long term friendships that people occasionally do things of which you disapprove, like spoil their children outrageously or get into financial trouble or treat their spouse poorly or carelessly in any one of a number of ways (although as always, infidelity is seen as the most heinous). If all of our friends had to pass purity tests, we'd be very lonely. In this scenario, apart from anything else, you have no idea of the ins and outs of their relationship and in my view, should maintain neutrality

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2020 09:27

I’d tell your partner, why wouldn’t you? And that would be it. They’re trying to make a go of it so just wish them luck, in your head, and forgot about it.

TheWindowDonkey · 19/12/2020 13:07

TheLeaf puts it brilliantly. Op if they have decided to make things work then the very best thung you can do it be there for them BOTH if the need it and see if there is a way you can help to support their decision to make it work. Eg if they have kids offering to babysit so they can talk/go out etc. People who have affairs are so often just seen as assholes without anyone noticing that there is a struggling human being underneath those poor choices. Them being selfish and doing something to hurt others is bad yes, but it doesn’t preclude their needing help and support to get to a healthier place for all concerned. I think more marriages would survive if the cheat had friends that could see beyond their actions to the person behind them.

londonscalling · 19/12/2020 13:15

As you say, you need to forgive them.

However, I would tell your partner, as long as he can be trusted not to tell anyone else. Not because you want to gossip but I'm sure you'd expect him to tell you if he knew!

PurrBox · 19/12/2020 13:34

I talk to my partner about things like this unless I have promised not to.

Just one thing perhaps worth mentioning-
Even though the cheated-on partner has 'forgiven' the cheater, you should be aware that they might still be in the early stages of working out how they feel and how they will deal with their marriage. It takes a long time.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/12/2020 13:46

@theleafandnotthetree puts it excellently.

But why would you tell your partner? Why does he need to know? It isn’t “keeping something” from your partner, to not tell them something fairly sensitive about somebody else who hasn’t indicated they want all and sundry to know about it - and in fact almost certainly the opposite. It’s the very definition of gossip.

Sunflower1970 · 27/12/2020 16:20

Not being awful but this situation is bothering you more than it should, particularly as the partner has forgiven. I think you need to concentrate on your own relationship rather than interfering in others

saraclara · 27/12/2020 16:29

Does this friend even know that you know about her partner's affair?

Mind your own business, and don't gossip (even to your partner). The couple have made the decision to put it behind them and get on with their lives. The more people who know about this, the harder it is for them to do so.

My friend's DH had a two year long affair. When she found out (not from him) she was devastated. But he ended the affair, they went to counselling, and the relationship survived it. None of us who knew have ever mentioned it since, or treated him any differently. My friend didn't discuss it with us again, so inserting ourselves into their lives by making it about us and 'supporting' her, would have been selfish.
Her life, her business, and none of ours unless she'd wanted it to be.

saraclara · 27/12/2020 16:31

anything that let's them know I know would probably do more harm than good.

Yes. And I'd be asking the person who told you, not to spread it any further. If s/he wants to support this friend, the best way to do so is to NOT make her the subject of gossip.

billy1966 · 27/12/2020 16:40

Good advice above.
If you think it will cause needless conflict in your partner, why bother saying anything?

Littleyell · 27/12/2020 16:48

@londonscalling

As you say, you need to forgive them.

However, I would tell your partner, as long as he can be trusted not to tell anyone else. Not because you want to gossip but I'm sure you'd expect him to tell you if he knew!

Her partner shouldn’t expect to know things like this. I don’t know why OP is asking herself if she should remain friends with the person. It’s nothing to do with OP or her BF.

Who told you OP???

saraclara · 27/12/2020 17:00

@londonscalling

As you say, you need to forgive them.

However, I would tell your partner, as long as he can be trusted not to tell anyone else. Not because you want to gossip but I'm sure you'd expect him to tell you if he knew!

I absolutely wouldn't have expected my DH to share this sort of thing with me. It wouldn't be his business, never mind mine.

NC866 · 27/12/2020 17:22

Agree with all the comments above, in the nicest way possible it’s none of your business, just stay out of it. Affairs happen for all sorts of reasons and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. If they’re staying together just let them get on with it and don’t dwell on it. All marriages can have bad patches and hard times, you can’t get involved in all your friends relationships and take sides. Affairs aren’t they only way partners can treat each other badly after all, there can be all sorts going on in other relationships that you don’t know about.

Sundance2741 · 27/12/2020 17:56

My inclination would be to tell my partner but probably only because it's an interesting piece of gossip, so not a really valid reason.

If your partner is likely to react badly or to view this couple or one of them differently, then it's probably best to keep quiet. If in doubt, don't!

Original poster

Namechange121212 · 28/12/2020 09:38

I haven't told my partner, and have decided I won't unless it "comes up" somehow, although I don't really see how it would. That probably sounds like I'm looking for an excuse to tell them, I'm not but if it gets to the point not telling them feels like lying by omission ill say something.

The person who told me is another friend from the same group who made a comment thinking that I already knew. They're someone I talk to loads and they've known for months so if they were the gossipy type I'd have found out much earlier! I could tell they were embarrassed to have let slip.

I know you're all right and I have to carry on the same as before. I think it was just the shock and its seriously changed my opinion of someone I've known for decades. I think I'll find it hard to be really pally pally with them, but thankfully I probably won't see them for months anyway so by then my feeling may have moved on (pandemic is finally good for something!)

OP posts:

EagleFlight · 28/12/2020 10:47

I only found out because a mutual friend made a comment thinking I already knew.

So it was secondhand gossip. Don’t say anything. If your friend had wanted you to know, they would have told you themselves. Why cause more issues by telling your partner or doing anything about it?

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