Please help me get to the bottom of this!!

[Camber]

I have been married for 8 years and together for 15 years, have 2 kiddies. We haven;t had sex for 7/8 months and before that was 4/5 months. Don't think I want to full stop. Even though we always did it a lot at the start, I could take it or leave it. I cover myself up when he comes in the room as i look 6 months pregnant still after 3 years. I can't imagine why anyone would want to do anything down there really.
We have some cuddles and some kisses but never realy a snog and always when he cuddles or kisses. I don;t. I can;t work out if I love him/fancy him/dislike hime! or just have no sex drive. I enjoy being with him when we are not under loads of pressure and have chats and enjoys hols. We run 2 businesses and have a job and of course the kids and the house, so never have time togther. In bed I go early and comes up later, so probably watching porn and that disgusts me, so he s got no chance of coming near me then.
I seem to avoid touch and intimacy. Iam strange and won;t go to a male cashier unless old man. Yet I get on well with other men and have some great male gay friends too. I can flirt with the best of them but sex, NO. I'm not interested and would be very embarassed if saw kissing on telly.

I am uncomfortable with a counsellor and think you lot are more experienced and open minded anyway!!

All thoughts gratefully received!!

You do appear to have some sort of issues with sex and your own body image. Has someone or something in the past made you feel bad about yourself or about sex? Ok I'm hesitant to make huge assumptions about someone I don't know on the strength of one internet posting but the fact that you don't like male cashiers suggests something deeper than an ordinary loss of libido.

What would you like to have happen? If the choice is between: doing some work to regain your interest in sex with your DP or having an agreement with your DP that you don't want to engage in sex and therefore he can manage his own libido in ways that are acceptable to you (using porn? Paying for sex? Having no-strings flings?)
Do you think for instance that you might want to have sex with someone other than your DP in the future?

It;s a complicated situation: mind you, you haven't mentioned what your DP thinks or appears to think about the situation. Because if he has an equally low libido and isn't concerned by not having sex, then there may not be much of a problem in your relationship, but you do sound a bit unhappy about yourself.

It is very common to have a low sex drive. It can often be a combination of things - hormonal, lack of sleep/tiredness, stress, depression, strong feelings of poor self image or unpleasant previous sexual experiences (painful/bad sex, rape, abuse).

Where do you fit into the above?

I can say with some certainty that it is possible for 99.9% of people to regain their libido if they remove the barriers that is holding them back. So, dealing with depression/stress/lack of sleep or having counselling or CBT for abuse or rape, poor self image etc. It would be a long process, but worthwhile I believe.

It is possible for everyone and anyone to enjoy sexual relations. Not to do so is to miss out on an intimacy in an important relationship.

What makes you tick? Do you ever see sex scenes on the tv or in a film that make you feel sexy?

I couldn't do it with someone else. I am too self concious. I couldn't bear it if he did it with someone else either. I would like to be normal and have sex with my husband but I can't work out if I love him in that way or if it is just me not being interested or I am too disgusted with doing it. I don;t know what is wrong with me. I seem to spend a few nights a week on the lap top on the gone too soon website too. Very disturbing that I do that.
There seems to be several issues here. But non of them are clear to me. I don;t have sex, I don't give my husband fuss and I cry alot when I hear about babies/young children dying. I have had a battle with depression before and tried to knife myself to mostly get attention. Depreession seems to have gone to that degree but I've got lost somewhere alonmg the way and so has my relationship.

No sex secenes disgust me. You would think I had been abused but I haven't. I have only had 1 main partner since 16, did it once with someone else when seperated briefly.
Earlier on in our relationship my husband had a drink problem. That does not happen now. I do feel he is quite dominating and likes things on his terms. He is great round the house and does kids routine 3 times a week as I work. Adores the kids. I always struggled having kids, although I adore them, I find it very hard to be a Mum. How do I know if I love him - really love him??????

This sounds like a really tough post to deal with but I'll try and volunteer a thought all the same. I also hate to try and make any huge assumptions based on such limited information, but hey.

From what you say, I suspect that how you feel about sex is very likely to be a reflection of a much broader issue. Leaving aside how you feel about sex, you say that you won't go to a male cashier, you feel yourself to be unattractive, find it a struggle to be a mum, have some level of obsession (maybe overstating) with children dying, have self harmed and had depression.

You also suggest that you find DH to be dominating, though you don't say to what extent (whether it's simply that he prefers things on his own terms or something more), you're not sure if you love him and that you have a very busy day-to-day life. The entire tone of your posts, if you'll forgive me saying, sounds like you find getting through each day to be pretty tough.

I guess the obvious question is whether you think that you are still suffering from depression, albeit in a slightly different guise to previously. Again, I hate to make assumptions, but from what you describe I'd guess that you almost certainly are.

You may not want to go with formal counselling, but have you considered speaking with your GP? If they're disinterested, ask for a referral to another GP or whether they can at least give you a either information on Community Mental Health Services. If even that makes you uncomfortable, then perhaps speaking (anonymously) with an organisation such as Depression Alliance or The Samaritans may help.

I may be way off the mark here of course but just hoping it helps.

TBH, you sound like you are very depressed.

Thank you for your input cest la vie. I understand it is a hard post. If I read it, I would say you've got issues. If you met me you would say I'm outgoing, smiley, friendly and caring about others. I am a complex range of emotions all the time. I think I still grieve for 2 babies I lost to a degree but it doesn;t rule my life except when I have a good cry on that gone too soon web site, then I think it's odd I go on there. I reject cuddles except from my youngest whom I consider to be a baby still at 3. My older daughter I kissa and cuddle but it's deosn;t feel natural and it wouldn;t with my husband really. I love to spend time with him but the thought of sex - urrgh!! I have some issues, yes. After a long time togther I suppose it;s normal to expect to question love and couple that with no sex and I conclude the worst.
I think there are several things. My appearance, just my tummy though. I am a size 16/18, but have a size 12/14 frame. My tummy is huge and I have a massive hang up about it. Think that is why I don;t have sex mostly. Got out of the habit as well I suppose and it's hard to get back in again. He needs to lose weight too. Has v high Blood pressure and drinks too much.

I guess the key thing is obviously not how you come across on the outside but how you feel inside. Equally, I think everyone is an incredibly complex range of emotions but some people deal with it differently to others.

As I said, I'm not sure the lack of desire for sex is the important think here, or even that you seem to find the concept of sex disgusting - they seem to be just reflections on broader questions about the level of intimacy you're comfortable with, which, in turn, may be reflective of something else.

If you've had it, then I'm sure you know the broad symptoms, but it really does seem as though you may be depressed which in itself would make tackling anything else incredibly difficult. What do you think?

You are very wise cest lavie. Maybe I forget that there different degrees of this. It could be the reason for all the other things as you say, but then I think is t because of DH or the depression. ONly talking this through with him or getting the guts to speak to someone will clear it in my mind. I'm afraid of adressing any relationship issue. It's been such a long time together.
BTW, I just gave him a hug! He had good news from work. It was hard to just make that move but he was chuffed!

If you started doing a lot of exercise and getting yourself fitter and healthier, your body image would improve and so would your energy levels and possibly, your sex drive.

Its worth a go - it costs nothing. Just takes a bit of planning time-wise around the children and a lot of determination.f

Turn it around!

I wil.l try, as previously exercise made me feel great and lost lots of weight. It has come back and so I don;t have sex I suppose.
When my exams out way in a couple of weeks will re start and hope by Xmas to get fitter and happier.
xx