Unsupportive partner in 9th month of pregnancy

[SussexLondonSussex]

My due date for my first baby (age 41) is Tuesday and I'm feeling totally alone and miserable. My partner has been suffering with anxiety and depression for almost all my pregnancy and it's been really tough. I try to be supportive but he often turns to anger and loss of temper and that's when I feel I can't handle it. We have been having counselling (and he is also having individual counselling) but there isn't really any improvement and honestly I am now at my wits end. I'm tired, uncomfortable and miserable and really at this stage could have really done with some support but stuck in the flat in tier 3 London with no friends or family close by anyway. Don't know what to do.

That sounds so tough. Have you any plan B for when the baby comes?

It's a stressful anxious time for the first few weeks (although wonderful at the same time) and you'll need support, kindness and an extra pair of hands. Could you bubble up with family for the first few weeks?

I think you need to plan a future (or at least the next few months) without him.

Oh OP I'm sorry you're in this position. What a tool he is!

I think you should be very practical now, assume he's not going to be any help whatever. Are you going to be allowed a birthing partner - if so can you line up your mum or a friend? And ask around for support when you get home? He sounds useless.

How long have you been together? Was the baby planned? (not that that's any excuse for him)

I would echo the above. If you have an option to go to your family or a close friend do that. You need looking after, baby needs the same, you will have no bandwidth for someone who is not coping for whatever reason. It's time to put you and baby first.

he isn't going to get any better once the stress of a baby kicks in. make sure you are somewhere safe and away from his temper (or ideally he gets out) Asap.

I'm very sorry, op, but this is not a good omen for what's to come. As hard as it is, I would be working on an exit plan in case you need one.

Have you got family you could make a back-up plan with to go and stay for a while when the baby is born if things get any worse? You’re going to need support as a new mum. You won’t be able to recover from the birth, care for a newborn and take on someone else’s mental health issues.

Who owns the home, op?

@FestiveDigestives

Have you got family you could make a back-up plan with to go and stay for a while when the baby is born if things get any worse? You’re going to need support as a new mum. You won’t be able to recover from the birth, care for a newborn and take on someone else’s mental health issues.

This is great advice OP. I'm so sorry an already tough time for you is being made even tougher

Have you always tended to revolve around his needs and "supporting" his mental health? This is very common with women but men tend not to return the favour. Has his "depression/anxiety" only started or worsened during your pregnancy? He might be realising that with the arrival of the baby, he will no longer be your first priority with you attending to his needs all the time and will actually have the responsibility of focusing on a new baby instead of his own problems, so is lashing out. He should be the one supporting you at this time, especially with it being the first child.

The absolute priority is the safety of you and the baby. If there is ANY risk of his anger hurting you or the baby please find somewhere safe to live with with family, friends, or Women's Aid, at least until the baby is older. It is EXTREMELY risky having a person with any kind of bad temper around a defenceless little baby who will be crying, screaming, waking you both up, and pushing you both to the limit at times. A scary number of babies die or are left disabled by parents who shake or hurt them in a momentary fit of rage or frustration.

Go to family if you can. Get as much help as you can. You don’t have to be a martyr to this man. This time should be about you, not him. If he can’t be of use now he’s going to be as much use as a chocolate teapot once the baby is here. Really feel for you

You also need a different birthing partner

That situation with him doesn’t sound very good for a baby on the way. You should expect no help from him but don’t make any long term decisions like that just now, wait and see how it is once the baby arrives.

How tough :( my ex sounds like ur partner when I was pregnant with my first. I ended up bringing my mum into labour with me and living with her for first few months after baby being born for support... I think u should think about plan b for u and baby and get a support bubble lined up x