How did you attract/meet the 'right' one?

[FirTree31]

It seems almost an anomaly to me. I am 32, and never seem to attract, or indeed be attracted to the right person for me. I feel I am stuck in a loop of repeating childhood relationships, and lacking the confidence to go for what I want.

How did you meet your SO or husband/wife? Did you need to do work on yourself first?

PoF! I wanted to meet someone so joined PoF, spent 3 years on there on and off then finally met my husband.

Met accidentally (random night out with a mutual acquaintance), the relationship was able to develop and become serious because neither of us were dishonest or wasted the others time by making false promises or being selfish. Ultimately though the fact that we got on well enough personality-wise to want to make it permanent was pot luck, but that chance encounter with a person who connected with me couldn't have become what it did without a level of integrity and an interest in sharing lifes ups and downs.

I was seeing a guy but realised that it was not going to go anywhere and by continuing to see him I was potentially preventing myself meeting someone 'proper'. I ended it, went out with friends, bumped into people I knew who introduced me to a guy who is the best person and we're now engaged. I know it's easy to say in hindsight but I think sort of preparing myself for meeting someone special actually helped me, otherwise I'd still he messing about with losers!

tinder.. of all places
. I had also had to go through a few dodgy dates but mentally was in a place where actually life was great and I was doing and achieving everything I wanted . being busy, fun, good career etc and knowing my own worth. set up new friendship groups then, had new interests and then boom met my match.

At work. We were friends first, he asked me out twice and I said no. Didnt think he was my 'type'. Said yes in the end to see what would happen. We've had our ups and downs but we're very much in love, he's my best friend and I couldn't imagine myself with any one else. Sometimes the people you need arent who you think.

Really glad you've all met your person

I think being happy yourself must be part of the key. I feel okay about myself, I could be better though. I started thinking about what I really want and how I'd like my relationship to look. I'm again finding myself dating an older guy, he's got 6 children and is going through a divorce. We've only been dating 4 months but he has been v explicit in telling me he will never get married again. I would like to get married one day, it feels important to me, though not necessarily to him. I've done this a few times now, I date older guys who have already been married or have had some set of issues with ex and their children and I end up being this sounding board whilst simultaneously telling me they like me and how pretty I am .

Is it too much to ask that a person shares similar values?

It always goes down to mere luck, but smiling and being friendly helps a lot by making you more approachable.

So pleased there are some good stories from online dating. I'm on Match primarily because I set up a 6 month subscription, but I never open the app. Tinder is almost exclusively hook up now, I gave a guy my number after some good chat, he then used that to WhatsApp me a picture of his D*ck...what happened to hello?!!

At work. I'm from country A, he's from country B, we met in country C the day after I landed. Totally not what I was off travelling for, thought I'd concentrate on me and 'find myself'. Lol.

Not at all, if marriage is important to you but he doesn’t want to get married again, stop wasting valuable time with him, it is not going to end well.

When a man says they don’t want to marry, what he is actually saying is I don’t want to marry you.

A person can be jaded by life and not want to marry again. Plenty of threads in relationships post-divorce of ladies who feel the same way. It doesn't mean it's personal to you, it very much means it is personal to him, he may be surface fun/charming whatever but ultimately what he's got to offer is massively limited. The future you'd ideally like isn't with him.
Dick picture instead of hello is at least a handy filter and you don't need to waste another moment cos he's already told you all you need to know.
I don't think you need to be polished and all sorted to find your partner but you do need to feel you have value so your shallow idiot tolerance goes right down.
Seek out people generally who have the kind of values you need, in your friendships as well as your partner. A solid man who is driven by more than his pants won't be found hanging out with dickhead, so have a good look at your whole life and ask yourself if it is a good reflection of the vision you have generally. If it is, then that's a good start. Luck comes into it too unfortunately as all you can do is try to tip the odds.

I am mid 40's and have a few friends who found love in late 30's and some who have not yet done so but are living a good life with interesting adventures and people in it. Amongst the mix of friends we all see things to envy in each others lives but none of us have let ourselves down in any way, as all any of us have done is taken all the opportunities that came our way, and the directions we've gone in vary quite a lot. One of my friends has a lot of life goals ticked (like lovely husband) but her challenges come in very different forms through family and illness, so her life isn't perfect. Another friend has been interested in meeting a life partner all the time I've known her but never has, she is however enjoying lots of brilliant fascinating and fun things with others in the same boat and is constantly surrounded by clever interesting people and being involved in amazing projects which those of us tied to our domestic responsibilities could never do. There are so many ways to be happy, it's ok to learn for something, very natural, don't give up on it, but also don't put your life on hold, live it as well as you can and then you will open the door for something interesting to walk through it.
I have recently heard that my old primary school teacher has passed away, when I was little I thought she was ancient, she was a spinster of the parish, but actually she just has high standards and didn't meet someone good enough until my age. She's had a life of two halves almost but was true to herself to the last, she was an amazing lady. People who settle for second best for fear of being alone end up all the more lonely because being with someone who doesn't 'get' you and live and respect you is miserable.
I'll stop waffling now, I haven't slept much. 😆

I think a key point is being happy in oneself and not needing someone. I met my partner when I wanted someone rather than needing someone and we were online friends first. We met as friends but there was a huge spark between us. It was totally unexpected for the both of us as I would say we both thought we knew it all about relationships!!! I think you have to be happy in yourself, have some requirements about what you want eg do you want to multi date, do you mind a man who does x y z, have red flags to look for etc.

If your guy doesn't want to marry again, don't bother proceeding with him. Find someone who shares your life goals.

I met my DH at 34 and we got married this year!

My advice is:
-High boundaries and know what you want
-accept some of its luck and you may not meet someone.
-accept you will need to wade through a sea of human detritus to find your prize.

• work on having your own life /being in a good place yourself. When you are desperate you arent making good choices.
• Where there are red flags walk away and listen to your gut.
• when it is right, it is easy. NO ONE EXPLAINED THIS TO ME!!!

When it's right you aren't nervous about the fact he read the whats app and hasn't replied. You don't feel anxious or unsure. You just feel happy. Meeting up is easy because you both want to see each other and make time and you meet up a couple of times a week despite both your 60 hour weeks and other commitments. If it's hard to find time, its not right.

I treated dating like a PT job and put at least 10 hours a week into it.
Bumble and hinge are decent but I met DH on tinder...

Also....If you havent already Dump the guy you are seeing. You can't meet your husband if you are stuck with a commitmentphobe divorceé.

It's partly luck, but to be able to be 'lucky', you need to be able to say 'no' to the wrong guys.

You already know that marriage is important to you, so stop wasting time with someone who doesn't want to get married.

Make dating a 'hobby' rather than a 'search' for the Holy Grail.

I used to be chatting to several guys at once, and arranging a date every Sat night (Covid allowing) for a meal.(If they only wanted to meet for a drink, it was a 'no' from me because I found those guys were usually only looking for a hook-up not a relationship).

I also always arranged to meet my friends later on the same Sat, so that the 'date' wasn't the only thing I was doing that evening. It took a lot of the 'importance' or mental stress out of the 'date'.

Treat any 'dates' as a chance to chat and maybe make friends rather than a future husband hunt, and you'll have a nicer time with less stress, so you'll be more 'yourself'.

Above all - Remember, the guys you meet need to meet your expectations, not the other way around !

Purely by luck and getting out of my usual surroundings. I'd had a string of horrible relationships and general bad luck, career stalled, etc. I got the opportunity to take a job overseas in a country very far from home. I decided to take it and just give up on men altogether as I was so fed up. Met dh 2 months after I moved there (he is from the UK, also working there). He was completely not my type and at home I never in a million years would have even gone on a date with him. But as I was so far from home and he was fun to hang out with, we started spending time together and it just clicked. 12 years of marriage and 2 dc later, it's the only truly healthy happy relationship I've ever had.

I've just read the responses...so helpful, thank you. It's really lovely to hear positive stories.

I think having boundaries and expectations is a v good point, knowing its okay to have values and want the same from a partner.

The catch is, I have two children, my market is niche and I feel labeled, almost grateful that someone would date me. I've been on my own for 3 years, I do okay alone, I like my own company. I'm not happy to accept divorcees that feel they have already lived their lives and are completely bitter about things.

Work..and a shared hobby.

Just come out of a shitty relationship and decided to give up on men even though I really really liked my now dp. (He was oblivious lol)

I liked him more than he liked me, was myself and slowly we got closer, he added me on a date and weve been together 2.5 years now, ups and downs but living together now.

We are total opposites though

Oh I also have 4dc..my youngest was 8. Hes a little older than me with one grown up child

Perhaps don't miss your mouth and dribble your drink down your chin, as I did on my last date

I have never dated as a single parent so very happy to accept I don't know what that's like, but I can't imagine meeting someone who makes my soul feel like it's flying (as someone who is right for you does) and it mattering if they had two children. I can see the opportunity to meet people would be more limited and that might make it harder to come across someone like that though.
But finding someone through old makes it harder since you are basically asking if they mind kids even before you've met, rather than having some chemistry and then seeing if the kids factor matters.