Does this sound like ow or am I being sensitive

[Thatsmycupoftea]

Hi all,

Just like to start by saying dh has up until recently been an amazing husband and father. 50/50 in childcare, home and mental load etc.. Supported me through ups and downs.
I like to think I have been the same back.

Anyway a few months back I noticed dh becoming distant and he seemed so down and in a constant bad mood.
I sat him down and mentioned this and he said its probably just life and stress.
We have 2 young children, one who is quite poorly and undergoing treatment, which is of course worrying and can be hard work. We both work and I can often be out late working overtime on my working days. We don't have money worries but dh has always been a saver and does tend to stress about finances.

This went on and so I mentioned it again and asked if perhaps he was depressed. He said he's not and refused to see his GP.

In the last few weeks he has seemingly checked out of our marriage and somewhat out of family life.

We barely speak despite me making conversations and he has been going out and coming in late. Not ridiculously late but just out a few hours on an evening a week. He says he's out with friends or at the gym.

Today he was a few hours late back from work and I texted asking if he was OK. He came back later and asked why I was questioning him? When I explained I was worried he did not respond.

I was playing with the dc, laughing and joking and he walked past not saying hello and went straight to the kitchen and on his phone.

Later I went to speak to him about dc treatment as I'd had an update from the consultant today and he pretty much ignored me and did not look up from his phone. I know it's not the most thrilling conversation and home life can be boring but he's so disinterested in us.

Dc hurt their head and it was quite bad. I was tending to that when younger dc started to cry and he just stayed on his phone. I sorted it all out and asked what was for dinnner (he's making dinner as I have to take dc to an appointment and left it for him to decide what to make) he answered chicken in a very abrupt manner. I again asked if he's OK to which he replied "you have only spoken to me to ask about dinner". Even eldest dc said hang on a minute mum has been trying to ask if your OK all day. I changed the subject at that point as I didn't want to involve dc.

He's again on his phone and just grunts when spoken to.

Now I just found out dc has to be admitted to hospital up until Xmas to get more treatment and I'm so lonely dealing with it alone. I'm so scared and worried about dc and dh is no longer speaking to me and I have no support.

Has anyone had experience of this.
Does it sound like depression or ow. I know it's hard to say from one post.

Just feel so lost.

Thanks

Oh shit. No good advice tbh.

Sounds like a conversation without distractions is required.

It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with him when the children have gone to bed. Be polite and supportive and ask him what has happened. If the change is as drastic as you describe and he won't tell you what's wrong then it does sound like he's having an affair.

I am so sorry for the stress you are going through with your child, that is difficult enough. I am afraid it looks like your husband is checking out of the marriage. Has he mentioned anybody at the gym lately? I think its time for a good chat. Be brave as these chats are difficult. Remember the cheaters script so be forewarned about that. It might not be another woman but his actions are very odd to say the least especially if they are new behaviours. Covid has put stress and pressure on us all and we can all act a bit off lately so bear that in mind but be wary that he might have had his head turned.

Regardles sof whether it's an affair or not his behaviour isn't ok. So it needs a sit down conversation phones off. If he gets defensive and angry the it's either an affair or he's having some kind of crisis. But you can only be with someone who behaves like this for so long.

If you really do suspect an affair then you need to be careful about when you reveal this. Can you do some digging first? Theresa danger in showing your hand and then him being really secretive with ow.

I guess your right in that I need to have a conversation.

I'm going to do a bit of digging first st mind you.

I can't see him meeting anyone at the gym as its mostly men and full of body builder types.

Its not fair on the dc seeing him in such a mood too.

My poor lovely dc.

Oh dear what digging can you do? Do you have linked accounts/find my phone or anything?

Having read your post op, I would be inclined to say it isn't necessarily OW (Although there is a chance)

Your life with DC had been a challenge and his behaviour unacceptable, but without other proof I wouldn't jump to OW.

I frank and honest talk is what is needed, about your marriage and DCs needs, it sounds like he is not taking responsibility and checking out of the difficulties you have in you marriage, and with looking after you DC.

Are you able to look at his phone?
Google maps location?

I really don't want to be negative OP as you are obviously going through enough but my ex-H used to completely detach from me and family life when he was cheating or sexting or planning to. I see a lot of this more clearly in retrospect. One time he was desperately texting an old school friend of his boasting how well he had done in his career, and she was responding flirtily, obvs enjoying the chase, not responding for a while then giving him some hope, prompting him to talk negatively about me with faux concern in comparison to her etc

They detach from you in order to facilitate
their actions and not feel the guilt/consequences.

I took great pleasure when she finally pied him (after some sexting) by telling him I'd read all the messages and agreed with her decision. The look on his face was priceless.

Still, I hope this isn't what's happening with you OP.

I am not excusing his behaviour but it sounds to me like he might not be coping well with your child being so unwell. I am sorry things are so tough for you right now and I hope your little one gets better soon.

Think he has another woman. The late nights, distant etc.

A gym full of bodybuilder types. I wonder if he’s taking steroids?

Or more specifically, withdrawing from them. Low libido and depression are classic symptoms.

Your partner's not in the civil service ? Sounds to me that assignments have been the distractions and he's keeping or trying to keep on top of it all.

It does sound like an OW to me. Staying out, defensive, withdrawal from family life. Check out the Cheaters Script. You have to become the bad guy so he can justify his behaviour to himself. I wish I'd known about the script when my exh was demonising me and neglecting our disabled DS.

Could the distraction be that he is worrying about something? Maybe something has happened at work - he could have done something stupid is in trouble and can't face telling you. May not be OW. Would explain the moodiness.

If he's going to the gym, does his gym kit/towel appear in the laundry and has been used? Pretty sure I've read of men saying they are at the gym but then never bringing gym kit home for washing and been caught out.

Whatever the reason, his lack of support for you and dc is shocking. I'd be reconsidering the marriage anyway. Hope all goes well for your dc treatment.

Fingers crossed for you having that conversation OP. It could be a number of reasons, and hopefully not bad.

FWIW my aunt became very short with my uncle and gran. He was worried that she may have met someone else. Turned out that she had been sacked from work for petty theft and couldn't bring herself to talk about it. They did manage to work it through and all is well 15 years later.

I’m sorry op this sounds really hard for you.

I do think that people deal with the stress of an ill child in very different ways. Our dc has a lifelong health condition and it’s always a worry. My DH overall is great but when dc was in intensive care when first born and later when he had a serious op he was very distant from me. It’s not on, really, but I do think men tend to close off whereas women tend to need more contact and conversation. I also remember at the time feeling very anxious about our relationship due to the stress. I didn’t suspect him of having an affair but I can imagine in different circumstances I might have done.

I do think you should have a chat though. I think you should frame it as ‘I really need you now’. My mum advised me to do that instead of blindly ranting at DH and it yielded really good results.

I hope things improve for your relationship and dc.