Would you text or play it "cool"?

[beebbeep]

Just started speaking to a ex who I still have feelings for.
We've been texting for a few days.
I know in the past I've been too texty and maybe annoying??
We spoke today earlier on.
Would you wait till maybe Sunday to text him again?
He sent the last text but it wasn't really anything to reply too.
We have had good convos and he's been telling me about his new job and sending me pics of his new house etc
So basically would you text anymore today ? Or play it cool?

He's messaged looking for a shag and then he'll ll be gone.
If you're looking for a relationship, delete and block him.

I'd approach this with caution tbh: he clearly has form for dicking you around. There's a fairly high chance he wants a quick shag or two but isn't planning on being "serious" again.

If you're fine with that crack on but it sounds as if you want more. If you do want more then you should be clear where your lines are from the start.

I know in the past I've been too texty and maybe annoying

This is the worrying thing in your OP. Who do you think makes the rules about how texty a person should be? Find someone who likes you as you are. Someone who finds your textiness appropriate. Don't try to change your natural behaviour to suit someone else. Don't think you're doing things wrong just because someone doesn't like them.

I’d also say you need to not text

The issue was last time he thought you wanted too much too soon so he ended it, now if you text again it will look like nothing has changed

Nothing has changed though, I mean your basically declaring you love him. So I think you’re in a tough spot. Because you want more than he is ready for and you can only hide that so long.

I feel bad for you here OP.

I think you believe this means he might want to get back together.

I can tell you from bitter experience, my own and many friends, he doesnt.
He is keeping you luke warm for a casual shag.

You werent for him, and he let you go, that hasnt changed. He is being cruel.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but it is true, and you are heading towards hurt again. Please look after yourself here.

So, is this you possibly back together on his terms? He wants to keep this casual while playing around?

Or on your terms? It sounds like you're trying yourself in knots trying to come across as "cool, chilled, relaxed, not hard work", so then what? Are you just trying to stay cool in order to work out what this is?

Just wait until you have something interesting to say. I don't think texting is meant to go back and forth constantly.

Please read this. Then read it again.

If you have to adjust your natural impulse to communicate with someone. If you have to play games or second guess your own personality. If you worry about who is going to text next. If you spend all day staring at the blank screen on your phone and it makes you feel anxious. If you text twice in a row then regret it. THEY ARE NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.

One day you will meet someone and none of these things will matter as your relationship will flow naturally and comfortably. You will feel no anxiety. That's the right person for you.

@RantyAnty

He's messaged looking for a shag and then he'll ll be gone. If you're looking for a relationship, delete and block him.

Agree with this 100%

@nahdenmardybum

Please read this. Then read it again.

If you have to adjust your natural impulse to communicate with someone. If you have to play games or second guess your own personality. If you worry about who is going to text next. If you spend all day staring at the blank screen on your phone and it makes you feel anxious. If you text twice in a row then regret it. THEY ARE NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.

One day you will meet someone and none of these things will matter as your relationship will flow naturally and comfortably. You will feel no anxiety. That's the right person for you.

Quoting it because it's worth it being posted twice.

I would also add to the list 'If you have to post on MN about the relationship before it is even a relationship'

He's getting back in touch because he knows that he can. He thinks that he can shag you whenever he's at a loose end. I can guarantee that he will go on the missing list again if you allow this. He binned you and made you question yourself for daring to want to have a relationship, why would you entertain his messages now?

How long before he doesn't want anything serious again. Sometimes it's not worth putting yourself through the pain of breaking up/ getting back together cycle, because you both want different things.

OP you sound lovely.. someone worthy will be along and make you happy .. happy like you deserve

Play it cool!

I think it’s unfair to say he jist wants a shag and a bit mean girl. None of you know what he wants

And the op might have to restrain herself, it would scare a lot of people off, she’s in love with him and they were clearly never at that stage and he doesn’t feel the same. He may be interested in seeing where it goes

The issue I think is she won’t be able to hide the fact she wants more. She’s only chatting to him virtually and she wants more already. That is really hard to hide.

Ditto here and not sure what to do either.

I think it’s unfair to say he jist wants a shag

I also think it's irrelevant what he wants. OP is already uncomfortable enough to have to post on a forum because she's questioning her instincts so much. Lesson one is to back off when you feel this way around someone. If he had demonstrated in the past that she could feel comfortable and safe with him, she wouldn't be here.

@nahdenmardybum

Please read this. Then read it again.

If you have to adjust your natural impulse to communicate with someone. If you have to play games or second guess your own personality. If you worry about who is going to text next. If you spend all day staring at the blank screen on your phone and it makes you feel anxious. If you text twice in a row then regret it. THEY ARE NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.

One day you will meet someone and none of these things will matter as your relationship will flow naturally and comfortably. You will feel no anxiety. That's the right person for you.

This, so much this!

What is it you love so much about this man that gives you crumbs? So many women find unavailable men so enticing! Does it make him more desirable to you that he rejected you before? Can you see that pattern in other relationships? You're at risk of getting badly hurt here

If you’re devoting precious brain space to agonizing over when to text, what it means when he texts, how to ‘play’ things etc.....then this is not the man for you. You are wasting your thoughts and energy on someone who is not right for you.

The right person for you will not cause all this angst.

Presumably you still want serious and he still wants to play around??

If so I don't really see this achieving but a load of heartache for you. Why not focus your efforts on someone who doesn't want to poke anything with a pulse??

I just know that when we didn't speak I really missed him.
I still have feelings and I'm not really sure what I want to happen.

Do you want to be having to consider how 'you' you're allowed to be?

@beebbeep

We broke up as he didn't want serious. I'm not sure I wanted "serious" but he wanted to play around.

Goodness gracious do women ever learn! Please OP you deserve so much more than to be some kind of back up option or potential booty call for some guy who doesn't respect you!

Oh God. This has got disaster written all over it.

You are tiptoeing around him second guessing your every move op... this isn't going to work. Sorry.