Would you be okay with this?

[Goldilocks111]

So I was with my ex for 11 years. 5 year old son together and I'm 34. My ex is a twat to put it nicely, cheated on me numerous times, made me feel like I was losing my mind for suspecting anything and then finally walked out on me and our son on Christmas day to go live with the other woman (21 year old work colleague). Our relationship, in fairness, had been dead for years but still it hit me hard.

Stupidly about a month after I started OLD, I guess to increase my self esteem (stupid I know) and I met a lovely guy. We dated for about 2 months before I ended things knowing I wasn't ready for anything. Anyway, we stayed in touch (sporadically) and then started dating again the past 3 months or so. He very much pursued me.

He has 2 children with his ex (5 & 8 years old) and when we first started seeing each other they were living together as it made it easier with his work hours to help her with the children. I didn't feel comfortable with it but was patient as I knew it was only for a few weeks. He moved back to his 2 weeks ago but every time we're together she calls him (she must call him a lot). And if he doesn't answer, she'll keep calling. He takes the call in another room but isn't particularly suspicious about it. He's also told me they're taking the children away on holiday for 5 days next week.

I'm really not sure if it's my past experience that is making me suspicious or actually if it's normal for me to feel weird about this?

Sorry for the really long post. Would appreciate any advice please 😊.

Have you actually been to his place?

It does sound messy and the part where they are going on holiday is definitely setting off alarm bells. Fine to be amicable but it sounds as if they are still acting like a family.

My first thought was that they're still together or at the very least he's telling her something very different to what he's telling you.

Have you been to his house? Does he have you on social media? Met any of his friends?

I should add me and ex split 2 years ago!

I have been to his place numerous times, met one of his brothers and a couple of his friends. Both have social media, both single on there. One evening she called maybe 5 times and I said he needed to call her back in case it was an issue with one of the girls. He called her back and apparently she just wanted a chat, he said he was busy and would call her back.

Advice? Leave them to it. They're too enmeshed for him to have a healthy relationship with anyone else, or he's stringing you both along and still shagging her.

No I wouldn’t be okay with it. You shouldn’t be either.

“Helping her with the kids”? Do you mean he was there parenting his children?

They’re too close. He’s not ready for a new relationship. Find someone less complicated.

@TwentyViginti thank you, at least I'm not going crazy for being uncomfortable with it. He said he'd talk to her about all the calls but it's still the same and that he'd call me every evening on holiday but it still feels weird.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you. When I suggested that they were too close he said they'd worked hard to be friends and kind of insinuated that it was my ex clouding my judgment.

You need to talk to him about boundaries.
He needs to get some.

How long have they been split up? What was the reason for it?

Going on holiday together is going to be so confusing for the DC. My parents are divorced and I’m a step mum. Clear healthy boundaries benefit everyone and are essential. Do you imagine if she meets someone she’ll still be calling him 5 times a night or going on holiday together? If not then why is he okay with all of that?

You need to trust your gut. Being made to feel crazy for questioning his lack of common sense is worrying.

@AnneLovesGilbert such a relief to read that. My ex messed me up royally and whilst I'm definitely in a better place I do have obvious trust issues.

They split up 3 years ago, he said they fell out of love essentially but I do think it was more her decision than his. I said that after just moving back to his (children were obviously upset by this) was it wise to be going on holiday together but he said they'd booked it before me and him started seeing each other again. I explained about the boundaries and he said he'd speak to her, said he had and she understood (and said she didn't know he was with me when she was calling) but she still calls all the time!

Its absolutely NOT ok. Going on holiday together is just weird, I'm sorry. I'm not a jealous or possessive person but if I was dating someone and they told me they were going on holiday with their ex, I would not be ok with it. Personally I feel it gives kids mixed messages too.

Hit post before I finished...... Her constant calling is also a red flag. I assume she knows about you? If she does, then it sounds like she is deliberately trying to get in between you both.

@anotherdisaster thank you for the comment! I have to say it is a relief that others wouldn't be okay with it. Sometimes things can be skewed in my mind and I'm never sure whether I'm being rational or not. She does indeed know about me and the calls are silly calls (for example she called him literally to ask if he could pick up bread when he was bringing the children to hers). And I mean she called 3 times to say this.

He said he gets the holiday is weird and that he would uncomfortable if it was the other way round but that it was booked when they were both single. And then I was like so that itself is weird! 🤨

He needs boundaries and soon! The longer he lets this go on for the harder it is. And no the holiday thing I wouldn’t be happy about. He needs to decide if he wants that level of contact and if he does then a relationship isn’t going to work.
I would take it easy before letting this relationship get too serious/get in too deep as I think he might need some time to get things sorted and you don’t necessarily need to hang around for that.

Also, as a few of you have mentioned boundaries but could you give me examples of what's acceptable / not acceptable with regards to relationships with the ex (parent of your children). Me and my ex do not speak at all unless it's with regards to our son but that's literally with regards to seeing him / emergencies. But I detest the man 🙈😂😂.

Boundaries are needed, if not, then end the relationship. Sounds like the ex either regrets their relationship ending or out of bitterness wants to disrupt any new relationship he has,

@nosswith I don't think she wants him back. I've known him 2 years and she's had plenty of boyfriends in that time. I think it's entirely bitterness (she's the type that said "oh she doesn't want you talking to the mother of your children, wow that sounds fun").

I really appreciate all the advice! ❤️