Living with partner who has Attention Deficit?

[MissTediousGirl]

DH was diagnosed with ADD a couple of years ago (at the age of 45). We've been together for 25 years, so I'm used to his exceptionally short concentration span and lack of interest in anything other than the things he's passionate about, but I'm really starting to miss proper, long conversations and adult company. If you're living with someone with ADD, what are your strategies for coping?

Watching with interest as my husband was diagnosed with ADD and ADHD. Over the years I have had to change the way I react and to be honest I feel like I have made all the sacrifices and he’s made none. I find it very one sided, tiring and hard work being married to my husband and like you I miss having an adult conversation and a connection on a more intimate level as well.

You've described it well. It's really difficult to assess how much of the behaviour is related to mental health vs how much I should realistically expect DH to contribute, both emotionally and practically. I've definitely found that I've had to really lower my expectations (from an already pretty low base!) while doing much more of the heavy lifting myself.

In a weird position here because my dh and me both have adhd/add or whatever they're calling it now! Often feel sidelined in conversation because he doesn't respond to what I'm saying or indicate he's heard so I feel ignored. On the flip side, he says I can dominate conversations and don't listen to him but I often have to repeat myself to get a response from him, saying do you agree? Do you know what I mean? Or suchlike several times, before he indicates he's heard or responds.

When I don't listen it's rarely on purpose so I can only assume he's the same? We both get annoyed at the other. We understand eachother (kind of) due to having a similar experience but struggle to communicate. It's so frustrating!

Also personally, I often hear "white noise" for want of a better description in my head, a kind of background humming that makes concentrating on what people are saying is difficult. Plus anxiety means it's hard to focus on the other person when you're worrying what is people are judging you. Am working on this because it's very rude.

Do you two feel like your communication problems are worse than when you first started dating? Are children in the mix? And did this make things harder with all the stresses it brings?

Thanks for the perspective Aquarian Squirrel. I have read about what's its like living with ADD so try to always be conscious of the mental "white noise" that you talk about. DH is naturally a good communicator (he actually works in comms and its a real strength of his, when he can focus) and has lots of good friendships. I think as we've got older there are more pressures (he now freelances, as he finds it easier than working in an office environment) plus the kids and we both do a lot of voluntary work, so all of his energy goes into all that, leaving him nothing left over to actually engage at home - plus the ADD really affects his sleep, so evenings are particularly bad. We've always got on well and had a really good laugh together, so I just really miss that.

It may sound weird but have you considered supplementing with magnesium? Only in small amounts say half a teaspoon a day or less at first (because it can have a laxative effect!) It will help your husband and you both get more sleep or at least relax more and it can reduce physical anxiety symptoms. Often food has more of an impact on your mood and attention than you think.

It's good that you communicate well. Seems like the main issue is not enough quality time together? Something has to give. Can you do one less shift of voluntary work and use that day to reconnect?

It's bloody tough! My H was diagnosed during the summer but I've suspected for years. He does have a lot of good traits but he is also quick to anger, fidgety, lacks social cues and leaves the organisation of everything to me.

It can be very draining

DH has ADHD. Knowing this has helped me with coping with him. It is hard, but I try to exert more patience with him and try not to take it personally or get bothered. Much easier said than done when I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself/talking to a brick wall!

Thank you for starting this thread.
In the New Year, DH is going to seek a private diagnosis (the GP isn't at all interested).

We are early 60's and I realised this during lockdown as of course we had more time together that his quirky behaviour and annoying habits like talking over me and having to rush out immediately to buy some crap that he thinks is essential are almost certainly ADHD/ADD.

He's watched videos and done online assessments and reluctantly agrees with me.

In some ways realising this is a relief, I am exhausted and sick of having to organise, plan and take on so much mental load, but I don't know if I can live the rest of my life still doing it.

Do your partners take medication?

And the fidgeting... 😲

He is also creative and witty, but such hard work a lot of the time!

You also asked about coping strategies...

• Time alone (he knows sometimes I need to escape to another room and be left there!)
• Giving him space to escape to the shed where he can indulge his obsessions
• Printing out the organised mum method and following it together for housework
• Using Google Home for our shopping list - he has started remembering to shout out things to add when they run out
• Putting my hand up and telling him bluntly to stop talking AT me (like, not letting me finish a word, let alone a sentence). This has become easier since we realised it's almost certainly a condition rather than atrocious manners.
• Questioning when he wants to rush out and buy more stuff he thinks is essential
• Trying to do active things together outdoors which seems to help him

Oh @teenytrees your post rings so many bells. Only yesterday my DH had to rush out to go to the garden centre, he couldn’t concentrate on anything else but we needed a few things from the shop first, about 8 items and he still got it wrong and it was written down.

Definitely space, though he is not organised with housework. No medication though as it would interact with others.

I also agree with others that unfortunately I’ve had to lower my expectations, exercise my patience, change how I respond and it’s definitely me that’s made more sacrifices.

It can be frustrating and draining, I certainly carry the mental load.

Definitely can relate to the above. DH is a wonderful man, I wouldn't be without him, but it is draining.

I'm a social creature, who can be emotional, an open book with my heart on my sleeve. DH is closed off, like he is devoid of emotion. He is socially awkward (until he knows someone), and communicating with me can be challenging. He tells me nothing, and promptly forgets anything I tell him, that's if he is even listening/taking on board what I'm saying. I've learnt to accept it, and get my social fix in my job.

Me and DH both have ADHD. I'm unsure what you mean about adult conversations? We have plenty, we discuss all sorts from poetry to philosophy to politics to movies. Happy to answer any specific questions about it but I'm a bit unsure what you're asking

This is an interesting thread. We suspect my DHH has ADHD, he also has OCD and struggles with anxiety. DSS2 was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago hence why we suspect DH has it too as they are so similar. My DS is only a toddler but already seems pretty hyperactive (more so then average!) so I think he will be the same.
DH will only take interest or watch/read things he likes. We watch a lot of shared stuff on tv which helps us do something mutual, but it’s always what he likes or he gets bored. Since the first lockdown we have done long daily walks which he is really enjoying and we can chat as we walk. It’s hard though as I always feel like i have to compromise with what he likes.

I am presently struggling because I have made so many sacrifices to my feelings for the fear of upsetting him, but I’ve got a handle on that now and I hate to say it, it’s because I’ve tried and tried over the years and now I’ve disconnected from him a bit.

He doesn’t communicate well
He has very little social awareness and comes out with embarrassing statements or his behaviour in public embarrasses me, because of something he does, which he knows he’s doing.
He has an addictive personality which over the years has gone from one addiction to another.
He is a people pleasure with no boundaries where family and friends are concerned and everybody is his priority but me, I’m always last on the list.
I could go on and on to be honest, it’s hard work being with someone who has ADD/ADHD or both and I totally appreciate it’s hard work for them as well but sometimes at the end of the day, I just want to crawl into bed, pull the duvet over my head and pretend I’m single for a while.

@FoookinHell
'He is a people pleaser with everybody his priority but me.'
I could have written that too, he's more aware now but that comes after many years of exhausting arguments. I suppose after we stop becoming his hyperfocus, we're not worth the attention any more. 😔

I have lost count of the times I've been on the verge of moving out and then he makes more of an effort.

Have any of these men tried medication? I don't want to push DH to do this, but we've both seen very good reports and what seems encouraging is that the person with ADHD can take it only on the days and times they need it.

My DH isn't on medication, this is a very new diagnosis for him. He would like to try it though, because he is desperate for some 'clarity' (his words). He is worried about his job in a critical role, whether medication would interfere, and whether his company would think less of him/that he's no longer suitable for his job. DH can't even eat seeded bread because it would fail drug tests, which they are all frequently tested. He really needs to sit with the consultant, which is impossible right now

@Neron Thank you and good luck.

Did you need to go privately to be referred to a consultant? Our GP says there's a very long wait via the NHS.

@forestnymph By 'missing adult conversation', I mean that, while I have my children to talk to, my DH's poor concentration span makes it difficult for him to sustain a conversation beyond a few sentences. @FoookinHell I totally recognise the people pleaser element too - think that its also very draining for him so doesn't leave much left over for me - I think that almost all of those in his many social groups would be gobsmacked to hear that he has any MH issues. DH was diagnosed with ADD at the same time as moderate depression - he took the medication prescribed for the depression, which did help with both. He had a very good experience with his consultant who suggested they revisit potential medication for ADD once they had dealt with the depression. After a year and some big changes to his work life, he was able to come off the antidepressants feeling much better. The consultant felt that it would be worth trying the medication for ADD, but DH was concerned about potential side effects so hasn't done so to date. He uses antihistamines very regularly to help him get a better night's sleep. On a final note, on impulse buys, DH once popped round to the local shop for a loaf, only to come home 20 mins later having bought a house...

@Neron DH went through NHS. He had private healthcare through work but couldn't find a private consultant with any experience in adult ADD.

@teenytrees no GP referral was needed, can go straight to them. You do the assessment first, then they get back to you, and you go in for the testing.

@MissTediousGirl once DH has got something in his head, it needs to be done immediately. He spoke to his GP and his PMI, but GP wasn't helpful and dismissive. His PMI wouldn't cover it, because ADHD is a naturally occurring condition and genetic (same for autism etc). Not sure if that was just his cover/policy, but they wouldn't help