Boyfriend may have to move abroad for work. Don't know how to navigate it.

ohprettytree · 2020-12-17T21:05:46+00:00

I'm in my early thirties and have been seeing him since February. It's my only proper relationship so far and obviously it's been disrupted somewhat! Boyfriend works in financial services and casually dropped it into conversation today (he really was casual) that it ^may^ be likely that he transfers abroad in the next 18 months/ 2 years. He mentioned Dublin as a strong possibility, and he speaks German which may also go in his favour. I'm a bit floored to be honest. I don't know if he is 'the one' but he is kind and considerate and he makes me laugh. I had almost ruled out meeting anyone and I do consider myself lucky to have him. I don't want to move too fast and ask if there is a future for us, because now I feel like I have to take this into account too. I don't know if I could move away from my life here. Am I going too fast?

JetBlackSteed · 17/12/2020 21:09

IMO, yes. 18 months / 2 years is a long time in a new relationship. You haven't really been seeing him "properly" cos covid.
Don't stress, take it easy and see what happens.

Original poster

ohprettytree · 17/12/2020 21:12

Blood covid puts a dent in everything, but I'm so worried about my age too. It's taken me such a long time to meet one person I like. I'd really like to have children and I do feel time is ticking away.

OP posts:

bebarkered · 17/12/2020 21:42

You've got time to have a baby, easier said than done, but, please try not to worry too much about that. Regarding your bf, just ask him straight out about if he relocates, well, where does that leave me? X

Original poster

ohprettytree · 17/12/2020 22:05

I won’t look insane for asking?

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/12/2020 22:14

@ohprettytree

I won’t look insane for asking?

Think of it this way.

At the stage of the relationship you're now in with him, if it was you who had the opportunity and he said ooh what will that mean if we are still together then, or something similar, would you think he was crazy?

I wouldn't. I would think it was a perfectly normal, run of the mill question to ask. Because it is.

If he's totally freaked out by it when you think it's worth considering or just mentioning, then you aren't on the same page anyway.

It's not like you're asking for a ring or a baby next week, you just want to be able to make an informed decision. If he says he's definitely going and wouldn't want a long distance relationship, then you need that information sooner rather than later to think about.

Don't make it a big deal to talk about, it's perfectly reasonable - no need to be super serious about it and sit him down or anything. Just chat 🤷🏻‍♀️

ohwhatadustyanswer · 17/12/2020 22:35

Absolutely you need to discuss future plans if you are early 30s. You can’t have him announcing suddenly that he’s off abroad without you in 2 years time - by which time you may be mid 30s, having wasted 3 years on him. It is certainly not too soon to have the conversation after almost a year together. As the poster above says, it doesn’t have to be demanding marriage/kids off him now but you ought to find whether he sees this as a serious relationship, whether in theory he might want children and what his views are on marriage/commitment if that’s important to you. It takes time to get engaged, plan a wedding, get pregnant, spend nine months being pregnant and then let your body recover before doing the whole thing again if you want more than one child. Women have to be practical in their 30s when it comes to planning for children.

bebarkered · 17/12/2020 22:36

No you won't prettytree

Sakurami · 17/12/2020 22:39

I would be honest with him and ask him that if you were still together would he make that decision without taking your feelings into account.

ohwhatadustyanswer · 17/12/2020 22:40

My other concern about him dropping that into conversation casually would be that he might be trying to warn you - in a cowardly way - that he’s not in it for the long term. If it’s always been on the cards, he should have brought it up much earlier on. If it’s a new development, he could have approached it much more sensitively by discussing what it might mean for your lives together, not just how it impacts on him.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2020 22:42

My other concern about him dropping that into conversation casually would be that he might be trying to warn you - in a cowardly way - that he’s not in it for the long term.

Exactly what I'm thinking. I'm sorry, op, but I think he's formulating his exit plan.

frolicmum · 17/12/2020 22:47

I would ask him about where that would leave you? Would you consider going with him if he asked you to? I work in financial services, German myself and I was offered to go to Germany. I didn't fancy going to Germany because they said Frankfurt and it's so far away from my family whereas hubby's family is really close. I've lived here for over 10 years now.

Pay rise, looks great on the CV, subsidised rent, they supported the fact that he would have to get a new job etc so very supportive in terms of husband, offering a full time language course for him for the first 3 months etc (in this day and age I don't think a partner would be any different). Speak to him, it's important. X

JurassicParkAha · 17/12/2020 22:50

You're coming upto a year almost of being together. In your 30s you should be able to have a conversation with him on where he thought your relationship factored into his re-locating plans?

Why on earth would you want to waste your precious time, pussyfooting around the subject? He doesn't have to know for sure, but it's a good indicator on whether he sees a future with you or not. Does he at some point want marriage/kids etc? I'm amazed at how many women in their 30s get into relationships without even checking they're on the same page for these things. What if you want different things out of life?

You only get one shot at your life. You shouldn't be so worried about how you'll come across to him fgs. Do you think he was worrying how it comes across to you that he's just casually let you know he will be f*g off abroad soon? Just ask him.

Redwinestillfine · 17/12/2020 22:50

Keep communication channels open and tell him what your life plans are. ' I want to get married and have children while I am still young'....' I want to travel', ....'I want to settle here'....it doesn't mean you want those things with him. They are just things you want from life. If he wants them too that's a step in the right direction (but no guarantee you'll pick him).... He has told you he may have to live somewhere else. You need to think if that's something you want or not. If not, this relationship had a time limit. If it's something you wouldn't mind then just see how things go and if he wants you to go with him or not.

DianaT1969 · 17/12/2020 23:29

The fact that he dropped it casually also made me think he'll perform a gentle exit. If it was you, and you were keen to stay together, you would have had a serious talk and discuss options. Ask him OP and be prepared to walk now, before he leaves, so that you have time to meet someone else. Sorry, I hope it works out, but brace yourself in case it doesn't.

TheCattleGrid · 17/12/2020 23:34

I disagree re his motivations. He could just as easily be gauging your reaction and hoping it wouldn't put you off. Just ask him.

Rybvita · 18/12/2020 01:28

@ohwhatadustyanswer

Absolutely you need to discuss future plans if you are early 30s. You can’t have him announcing suddenly that he’s off abroad without you in 2 years time - by which time you may be mid 30s, having wasted 3 years on him. It is certainly not too soon to have the conversation after almost a year together. As the poster above says, it doesn’t have to be demanding marriage/kids off him now but you ought to find whether he sees this as a serious relationship, whether in theory he might want children and what his views are on marriage/commitment if that’s important to you. It takes time to get engaged, plan a wedding, get pregnant, spend nine months being pregnant and then let your body recover before doing the whole thing again if you want more than one child. Women have to be practical in their 30s when it comes to planning for children.

100% this.

Also I'd be worried why he only mentioned it "casually". If I saw a future with someone it would be something I mentioned seriously if we've been going out almost a year (covid or not). And importantly, i would want to know what their gut response to it is since I'd want to know if they already know they definitely wouldn't want to move with me. I do wonder if he mentioned it to subtly tell you that this isnt going to be a long term thing for him and the relationship has a shelf life where you're "good enough for now" until he goes on his next exciting adventure to another country.

grassisjeweled · 18/12/2020 01:31

Did he mention you joining him? Or was it more 'I'm going'.

You need to discuss it further with him. Could you work abroad I. E. Sprechen sie deutsch?

Rybvita · 18/12/2020 01:49

Also be aware that a lot of high flying financial types play the field a lot. They have a string of girlfriends they don't intend to marry, and are in no hurry to settle down, as they know their jobs alone make them attractive to a lot of women, and they have no biological clock to worry about either. Even his manner of bringing up his potential move without seemingly caring how you take the news is very telling. Don't fall into the silent, submissive girl trap of thinking that daring to check that you're both on the same page in the relationship will "scare him away". If having a perfectly normal.relationship conversation scares him, then you have your answer about how he truly viewed the relationship. He has everything to gain and you have everything to lose at an age where fertility and suitable available men are starting to dwindle.

MaverickDanger · 18/12/2020 01:52

I met now DH abroad so we knew we would both be moving on somewhere. After about 6-7 months, we had a discussion about where his next role would be etc & what that would mean.

We did long distance for 3 years before moving in together abroad.

It was a tough conversation to have - I was 20 but it was necessary. 18-24 months is still a long time away. I’d give it another 6 months and see how things are. He might raise it again in the meantime & a lot can change work-wise too.

TheCattleGrid · 18/12/2020 01:59

@Rybvita

Also be aware that a lot of high flying financial types play the field a lot. They have a string of girlfriends they don't intend to marry, and are in no hurry to settle down, as they know their jobs alone make them attractive to a lot of women, and they have no biological clock to worry about either. Even his manner of bringing up his potential move without seemingly caring how you take the news is very telling. Don't fall into the silent, submissive girl trap of thinking that daring to check that you're both on the same page in the relationship will "scare him away". If having a perfectly normal.relationship conversation scares him, then you have your answer about how he truly viewed the relationship. He has everything to gain and you have everything to lose at an age where fertility and suitable available men are starting to dwindle.

A lot of manual labourers cheat. Advising someone that their partner's profession means they are incapable of fidelity really is extraordinary.

frolicmum · 18/12/2020 07:21

@Rybvita I work in the field and alongside a lot of high flying financial types and know wonderful husbands and fathers, they don't do much at home during the week because they work very long hours but most of their wives know the compromise or have 7-7 nannies who help out round the clock.

My colleagues bring in their children and their wives to work on Christmas and summer parties etc. I have seen a lot wives join for after work drinks. Anyone can cheat and just because you have a career in financial services doesn't mean you're more likely to do so in my opinion.

LostVoiceInTheCrowd · 18/12/2020 08:07

If it’s a new development, he could have approached it much more sensitively by discussing what it might mean for your lives together, not just how it impacts on him.

Tbf, he might also have thought it was too soon to discuss the future and was dropping it in casually to see the OP's response.