Do I need therapy?

[BlueParrotnc]

Nc for this as I'm so embarrassed.

Aside from my husband, I don't really have any friends. I have a handful of people I've known for years and years, who I can call friends but really they're just very good acquaintances. They don't remember my birthday (even when I remember theirs), we don't phone each other for chats. Since my mother died I don't have anyone to call or who calls me.

I know this is a familiar story on MN. The only common denominator I can think of is me. I must be the problem. There has to be something (or many things!) about me that puts people off.

So I am wondering if someone out there, a professional, exists who could give me advice on how to change? I really want someone to say "When you act this way, it makes people dislike you, so try doing it differently." But I don't know if that's even possible.

I feel like one of those wild animals raised in captivity who doesn't know how to communicate with their own species. Today, after saying and doing the wrong thing on a work call again, I actually wished I was autistic as at least it would give me a guidance on what is wrong with me.

Sorry this is so long. I'm just very down about it.

I think someone like a coach (life coach) might be better as therapy can be a bit OTT for this issue.

You need to ask yourself questions- do you reject possible friends? Give out unfriendly vibes? Are you shy? Where have you met your friends in the past? How can you meet new people now?

I think this is more common than you think reading similar stories on MN. Lockdown isn't helping when you want to reach out and build new relationships so it might be an idea to get a plan together now to execute later on next year. Have you just focused totally on your husband or have you had any goals or dreams that you would like to fulfil? Age is not a barrier (I learnt to play the drums at 53). I am quite outgoing so find it easy to build relationships but I am also very nervous when joining new clubs or new social groups. So here are the things I do that have helped me. I belong to various clubs and committees which means I am out and about (without Covid) a lot doing things. When I joined a group 9 years ago the first person to talk to me and welcome me is now one of my closest friends. Its about seeking out the open people willing to talk to you and engage with you. Its scary joining groups on your own, you will get nervous but you have to just get out there an do it. Due to covid a lot of groups are now on line that can give you a start. Meetup is a good thing to join as it involves all sorts of people meeting for walks or theatres or good food. Its a great way to start. I feel you may have lost your confidence in yourself or just lost yourself in your marriage....its very common. There is no time like the present to start joining groups. If you want to go down the therapy route perhaps it will help to build your confidence and be able to go out and meet people and boost your communication skills..Good luck.

Have you actually tried to make these acquaintances into friends? Asking them to do things with you? As I get older I find that everyone around me has so much going on, little kids, work, sick parents, house renovations, kids with SEN, marriage issues or breakdown, Ill health, much more than we all did 10 years ago. It's easy to let old friendships slip or not to actively try and form new friendships. It can require you to really put yourself out there, reaching out asking people you feel you get on with to have a coffee or a drink or go to movie. And keep trying ask different people, asking the same person again if it goes well. Covid aside joining a group that does a hobby or sport you love can be ways to meet new friends who you'll already have one thing in common with.

If you lack social skills or have anxiety about social situations or dwelling to long on things you've said/done a psychologist can help you with those things if you can afford to see one. A good counsellor is unlikely to be telling you xyz you're doing is wrong, do this instead.

Do you have anxiety? I'm always very judgemental of myself if I say something wrong or silly or over share, kicking myself whereas I wouldn't think badly of a friend for doing the same. My eldest is doing CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) with a psychologist and one of his goals is to make more friends, we're just starting out small with saying hi and asking a short question, like how are you doing today or did you have a fun weekend. So its certainly something a psychologist can help with. Though you might find you can get what you need out of a book on making friends or social skills, unless the barrier is that you have anxiety or overthink and need MH support before you can begin trying to make friends.

I think everyone needs therapy tbh.

It's brilliant.

I think it's hard.

I knew someone who wanted to be friends, and they had admitted they wanted more friends. I reached out although I felt on the surface we had little in common in our personal lives. They were the kind of person I'd see a few times a year for a coffee and catch up. I quite enjoyed seeing her on an acquaintance basis but she was always waiting for me to make contact. I just wonder if you do the same- expect people to run to you and not make any plans and invite them along?

I used to feel like you. For me I was always overthinking what I did and what I said. I worried a lot about people's opinions of me. I went to counselling to work out why I felt that way and I started to care less about what people thought which was such a relief. I also cared less about rejection so started saying " you want to meet for a coffee?". But the thing I did that made the biggest difference was I started volunteering, I volunteer in two different local community groups and the fellow volunteers have turned out to be amazing people that I can be myself with, no judgement. I would recommend it.

Thanks for the replies, so much.

Are life coaches used to people crying? I don't want to make someone feel awkward, whereas I think therapists are used to watching people have meltdowns.

I've never had any ambition/goals, I do a safe and boring office job. A couple of years ago I read that joining a group was key to making friends so I went to a book group for several years, without result - perhaps because they were all quite nerdy and already in cliques. I also forced myself to go to a pottery class for 24 weeks. No one even learned my name - although I tried (and learned theirs) and chatted where I saw an opportunity. Then I got pregnant and stopped going.

I don't think I have anxiety, but I've had a panic attack once or twice on the tube, and once as I was looking in the window of a fitness class I wanted to join. It was so severe I couldn't go in, but that was over 10 years ago.

For meetups I think I suggest doing things half the time. But I don't often specify x day at y time - is that what people do? I will usually ask 'do you feel like a coffee/walk/etc sometime' and leave it open for them to say 'yes when?' or make an excuse/not reply. In the mums whatsapp group from antenatal class I have said 'anyone want to go for a jog on friday' and no one replies. And I've messaged 3 of the mums to try and build up a rapport but they just let the conversation die. Then the mums I am in contact with mention how often they're chatting and meeting and it hurts me, it really does.

Yes, I am judgmental of myself. Not about other people's opinions, but about what makes me unlikeable. I can remember being very clueless until about 28 and then realising one day Hey! No one actually likes me! and it really burst my bubble.

Volunteering would be very good, and would at least do some good for others. I get along better with animals, so perhaps an adoption centre.

I will keep trying, but I said to my husband (who really isn't my entire world, but is very similar to me - an introvert) I just want to get to the bottom of what I'm doing wrong.

OP, a psychologist who works with an Interpersonal Therapy approach could help you. I disagree with posters saying this is more a coaching need - find a psychologist. Anyone can call themselves a coach which means you have no idea if they're any good.
This issue seems to be causing you significant distress, and a good psych can help you understand what's missing in your life, and collaborate with you to solve the problem, would definitely help you.

IPT could be worth trying, under the 'interpersonal deficits' area but the criteria is pretty specific so would need further assessment to see.

It's available in most IAPT services, you can self refer and don't need a GP referral.

Oh and you don't need to be a psychologist to practice IPT, lots of counsellors are trained in it too.

I have therapy very so often. It has helped me see patterns in my relationships and understand why I pull away from friendships.

I agree everyone would benefit from therapy. One hour a week to talk about your feelings, fears, anxieties and mother (😂) is a luxury.

I wouldn't have been up for a jog when pregnant. Coffee (I know frowned on by some) more my style. Honestly though if it was an open invite I'd probably be thinking they don't mean me or so anxious about what to say I'd not reply despite maybe wanting to. I do find certain people I click with whereas others it's a lot harder. Doesn't mean theirs anything wrong with someone I don't click with, just different people. If I said yes Id like to go for a coffee I'd then wait for the other person to specify a day and time. I always think people don't really mean it if they don't come back with something specific. But then I have no self esteem anymore. Sometimes it's more about the other persons hang ups then who you are. Also the older you get I think the harder it is, even if you're someone they might get on with if they've already got a circle of friends they may not have time and mental space for more friends.

Therapy with an evidence based regulated professional not a life coach is the way to go. Any BABCP registered therapist or HCPC practitioner psychologist would take you on for private sessions if you wanted to look at what you've typed her and explore what is getting in the way of seeing yourself the way you desire or relating to others in a way you want etc.

You could also Google your local Healthy Minds as depending on the impact of this you may be eligible for NHS low intensity brief sessions.

Don't know if this is a thing but I reckon the best thing would be to have someone observe you in social situations and let you know if you are doing something off-putting without realising.

That being said friendship is really hard these days. People move a lot and are pressed for time which makes maintaining friendships harder. There might be nothing wrong with you, the people stuck at acquaintance level may simply not be a good fit for you.