Should I pursue this?

[BaublesAndGin]

I need some help/ perspective.

My husband left me a year ago. I was devastated and it’s been a tough journey. For the most part now , I’m happy. I have two young children and they are my priority and I have great friends and family. I get on amicably with the kids dad and he takes them 2 nights a week.

I’m definitely not ready for another serious relationship . I don’t want a blended family and the complications that it will bring. Just now anyway! I’m not in the right headspace.

However, I have started to really like a guy I know. He’s been doing work on my house so I’ve been seeing him a lot recently and we get on well and we message a lot. I’ve been enjoying seeing (and thinking about) him a lot.

However , I’d only ever want to pursue a casual relationship, a relationship with no ties.
Is this unfair on the other person to start out with this mindset? It feels very selfish to just want to be with someone but not want it to lead anywhere. Is it best left as a fantasy?

This all obviously depends on the interest being reciprocated but so far good signs are there.

Sorry if some of these questions sound immature/ obvious. I was with my husband since I was a teenager so despite being a fully functioning person in all other areas of life, I have no idea how to approach this situation

Go for it, as long as you are upfront about what you want and he is cool with that, why not? It might cheer you both up - and life is too short not to do the things that make you happy! Good luck.

. And also keep in mind your feelings CAN change. Before I met my current guy, I was very clear to everyone I was NEVER falling in love again, I just wanted sex and some occasional male company. I told him that early doors, and he said he was looking for something casual too (to be fair it was a rebound thing for both of us). But, guess what? Months and months down the line, we are both very much in love, and excited about the possibility that we can build a future together....... Life moves in mysterious ways. AND (my favourite quote from Jurassic Park), “Life finds a way!” 🤣

Awww that’s a lovely story and great the way it worked out.
Is it ok to follow through on something when the chances are it’s just to get something out my system - and exactly what you said sex and occasional male company.
I don’t want someone to come out socially , or to meet my family, or my kids. I just like his chat/company and am hoping he’s good in bed 😊
Would you be up front from the start and have a conversation about it?

I think you ought to hold back and be a bit careful.

Lots of attractive guys who do work for women end up being hit on by them.

You have no idea if he likes you or is just enjoying the attention and a bit of flirting. Presumably you have chatted enough to know if he's married or with anyone?

You say you have been thinking about him a lot which implies you feel you like him and it's not just about possible sex with him.

The risk is you go for it and fall for him and he doesn't feel the same. Are you prepared to be hurt so soon after your DH left?

By all means ask him for a date but if you just want sex, remember he may walk away from you when he finds something better (emotionally) and you could find that hard to deal with.

Also, there is nothing stopping him asking you out for a date and as yet he hasn't.

Hey OP, I'm currently in a similar situation to yours.

I recently got back in touch with a guy I used to fancy at school. We had a casual date and slept together. Now we don't really talk unless it's to hook up, which has been every weekend since

I'm enjoying the sex, and to be fair his company is great when I'm with him. I've only ever been in one long term relationship and now I'm kind of questioning whether this is actually what I want. It goes against everything I'd usually do, but like you I only have 2 nights without the kids a week. How do you start a relationship with so little time together? The guy I'm sleeping with seems to be happy with the arrangements, although we've never actually discussed it. I want to talk about whether he's doing the same with other people though, because I believe that would change things for me.

If it's what you want and the other party is happy with it, I'd say go for it! It gets a lot out of your system, although some days I wish it was more often than once a week 😂

You might look a bit desperate to pursue a man working on your house
If it's going to happen then let the conversation take it course to see if he wants to keep in touch by he may not be into casual.

@JinglingHellsBells
I really appreciate that perspective, as I need to think of all options.
He’s definitely single. I’m not actually sure we are suited that well in many respects. He’s back living with his mum after living abroad, but has been there for some time. And I definitely don’t want to be with someone I need to look after.

My default is to be cautious.
If he decided he didn’t want to proceed I wouldn’t be massively upset, maybe abit disappointed but I’m definitely not invested in any way at this stage.
And you’re absolutely right, he’s not made a move and he could have. Although he does keep making excuses to pop by.
I suspect I’m liking the attention and maybe the reality may be different than the fantasy.

@ChangeOfName001 that sounds like good fun! If I was to go ahead with it, I’d be keen to have a conversation as I’d hate to string someone along if they thought it was going to lead to more. Particularly at my age, i sort of assume that most single , child free people are looking for commitment.

@seensome I certainly don’t want to look desperate. He’s finished all the work for just now so I won’t be seeing him until the next planned work in a few months so might just see what happens in between.

Usually @BaublesAndGin I'd always say to posters to 'go for it' and what is there to lose :)

BUT what worries me a bit about you is your lack of experience with men (as you said) and that although you may think you want just sex, you might find you are more emotionally involved than you expected. Have you ever had one night stands or a 'just sex' thing ?

If you do really just want sex, think about how you will feel when one of you walks away either out of boredom or a better offer.
Are you emotionally tough to cope with that?

Obviously at the moment with Covid it's hard to get anything going really unless he was to become your bubble (depending where you live) - it's not as if you can go to pubs or to a film etc.

I think you need to work through in your own mind the reality of being rejected by him, finding out he's not what you want and maybe hurting him, and being rejected yourself.

If you feel you are tough enough to cope, maybe wait till after Xmas and suggest a walk or something?

How old are you both- just thinking about him back home with his Mum.

@JinglingHellsBells completely inexperienced with any men apart from my ex-husband, not had any other relationships at all. I do feel very naive and think I need some sort of guide book!

I think that’s good advice to think about possible rejection.
I’m not in any hurry tbh, and covid restrictions obviously place limits. I have plenty of friends and family to keep me busy over Xmas. I’m definitely not lonely. There just felt abit of connection and it got me thinking.

I’m in my early 40s , he’s late 30’s.

Hmmm I think I'd keep the door open ( metaphorically) and see what happens. Keep being friendly and see if he invites you out. I know it's 2020 but some men like to do the running, still.

You could jump start a conversation along the lines of 'when this virus is over, I'm looking forward to doing....scuba diving, dancing, hiking, seeing a film, going to a restaurant...(choose one!) and see if he takes the hint.

@JinglingHellsBells I think that’s the best approach.
Sometimes I get abit carried away in my own head so I like mumsnet as it slows it down and helps see things from other perspectives.

It’s hard when you’ve been rejected after such a long relationship but I’d be silly to jump straight into bed with the first person who shows half an interest.
I think the thread has helped me realise that my expectations of myself might be off in terms of managing to not be emotionally involved.
I need to make good decisions for myself so I’m pleased I posted here today.

You sound very grounded. Good luck with whatever course it takes :)

@JinglingHellsBells
Thank you and I appreciate your advice