Love husband but don’t fancy him anymore

[OhShitOhDear]

Long story short; been married 5 years together for 10. Have a 4 year old son together. No major issues in our relationship or marriage, some would say it was perfect. Nobody’s relationship is but I’d say we felt it was close. We get on well and I can’t honestly complain about him, he has never and would never do anything to hurt me or our son, he works hard and is kind and affectionate. But, the last year or so I have not wanted to have sex with him at all. He is a good looking man, but I’m just not attracted to him, I don’t want him to touch me. We have had sex a few times this year but I don’t enjoy it, I feel awful because I feel like I’m lying to him and lying to myself, but I almost become detached when we do have sex because I really don’t want to. Like I say, he is a kind and lovely man and other than that (major) issue, he is a good husband, other than the usual little niggles everyone has. What do I do??

I would investigate the possible physiological causes first. How old are you? Are you using hormonal contraception?

I’m early 30’s. Not taking any hormonal contraception, on anti depressants but this started way before the anti depressants. I am still attracted to other people generally, and still have sexual feelings so I don’t think it’s physiological. I do wonder If it’s stress (hasn’t it been a stressful year) and we are just surviving maybe?

Did you fancy him when you got married?

OP I feel like my wife is in the almost same position! Each case is unique, but I know I've struggled with stress at work and in general this year, I think i detached emotionally to a certain extent, and if I'm honest I think I was depressed for a while, looking back. Not had it before and didnt realise at time, so strange.
Now as i come out the other side, i realise this has affected our relationship and, I wonder of SHE is now going through what I did. All I can do is keep on loving her and keep trying to be positive. Ive read a lot about reconnecting, and how people communicate love to each other. Hopefully you can take some small steps to reconnect with each other and with time improve your relationship?

This could be me. I've been thinking about it recently and I've had an epiphany (this afternoon, actually!) for my relationship it's that he's a selfish arse. We've had kids and he still expects to go about his life and his social commitments like we don't have kids. Everything falls to me to sort out and I can't be sexually attracted to someone that just adds to my plate and never lessens the load. His answer is "well you can go out/away/do whatever activities you want; but that would make us a tag team and not a team wouldn't it?
Could it be something like that?

@TheWoodFromTheTrees

Did you fancy him when you got married?

Yes I did! He is still an attractive man don’t get me wrong, but something has changed. I feel so bad because he is a model husband, and I should be grateful.

Talk to your GP about the antidepressants tho as that's one thing to rule in or out - even though you are attracted to other people, it seems sensible to just kick that tyre and make sure. Brains are very complex things after all.

Well that is a good start to have fancied him when you got married. Could it be stress? Sometimes i am too stressed to engage in sex. Can you maybe book a weekend away just the two of you over the holidays?

antidepressants are known to kill libido.

Do you know why you need to carry on taking them? has your GP suggested counselling or CBT instead which is now the first route for treating depression?

It's not unheard of to go off people- but the issue then becomes do you leave the marriage if you have a brother/ sister set up?

Do you fancy other men?
Do you have any sex drive? (ie do you masturbate?)

I think I'd start with seeing your GP and assessing your use of ADs- they aren't always needed long term and see if you can have therapy instead. You might also want to pursue therapy to talk about your marriage and untangle your emotions.