Lockdown impotence or impotence impotence?

[Unsexable]

I hope someone can help, sorry it’s long.

Basically my partner and I have been having trouble in the sex department. We’ve only been together 2.5 years and for the first 1.5 years we literally couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I understand that after the honeymoon period ends that sex sometimes lessens which it has in our case but I feel like it’s went beyond just that.

We moved in together a couple of months before lockdown happened and he was working away Mon-Fri until lockdown when he was furloughed so we were still getting used to living together. I’ve never lived with anyone before, he has. I’ve admittedly struggled with the idea that someone would want to live with me and be with me forever and it’s manifested in anxiety and caused some arguments and a few times I have said that I don’t see us having a future. I think in my mind I want to end things before he does. Which is immature but my only other serious relationship was quite on/off and I always kick myself that he ended it every time and I never had the balls to, even though the last time we got back together I wasn’t feeling it at all but it still ended when he decided.

I don’t know if any of that is relevant. My OH I have had to iron out a few issues that have come up since moving in together. I know that a lot of people have struggled with lockdown and the effect it’s had on their relationship. A fair few people I know have split up from their partners and some have taken a break and got back together. We haven’t split up but have had a few fights where it’s almost got to that stage. I think this is relevant because it’s quite fresh in our minds and could be affecting his performance.

During lockdown he was quite depressed about not being able to work or go anywhere. I’m mostly happy with not having to be out the house everyday but he isn’t. He’s been out the door from 6am to 5/6pm for 20 odd years so suddenly having nothing to do and nothing to get up for was a big adjustment and he didn’t take it too well. It’s then that I started to notice a problem. I felt that everybody was sexing it up during lockdown and there would definitely be loads of lockdown babies (which there were) whereas we barely touched each other. We did have sex a few times but nothing like the frequency before he moved in.

He went back to work a few months ago and it’s not got much better. His first job back was working away so we only had weekends together and sometimes we managed to be intimate, sometimes we didn’t (his daughter also stays EOW and she doesn’t have a bedroom so it’s hard to feel comfortable sleeping together when she’s in the livingroom of our very small flat and you can hear everything).

I came off the pill in June and have been tracking my period, ovulation and obviously when we’ve been DTD. So this is how I can see how little we’re doing it. We’re managing between 3 and 5 times a month just now which is much less than I want. We haven’t managed to DTD round about ovulation time for a good while. Although it was hard to track as I had one 80 day cycle. Things seem to be back on track now in that department.

This is very long so apologises and thanks if you’ve got this far. I’ve been trying to talk to him for months about how little we’re having sex. Our schedules do get a bit out of sync sometimes which is fair enough but I just think 3-5 times a month is rubbish and will not result in a baby. He didn’t think any of this was a problem (he’s very laid back, I’m not) so when I’ve been trying to speak to him about it he just said it’s fine, we’ll be fine. It got to a head the other week and I blew up over it (not my finest moment but I didn’t know what else to do) he got quite defensive because I pointed out that every time we go to have sex now, he can’t maintain his erection. I think it’s because he has stopped fancying me, he denies this. It’s got to the stage where I’m wondering if we should continue? I feel like maybe he’s got into his own head about the fact I’ve pointed out the lack of sex and the fact that he seems to go flaccid more often than not and now that’s all he’s thinking about. I also had to tell him that I need more kissing and “warming up” these days and he took that as an attack on his prowess, that I was telling him how to have sex. He’s not a selfish lover, he’s always been all about pleasuring me. But when we first got together and only seen each other 3/4 times a week, I was very easily turned on so sometimes (if we wanted to) it was easy to do the whole ripping off of the clothes and getting right down to it right away. And then we would have sex 2/3 more times in that one night. Now it’s taking me a bit longer to get going but he hasn’t realised this and thinks it’s like the old days where I just had to look at him to be wet. He’s also really pushed for time during the week as he gets in at 6/6.30 pm and needs to be sleeping for 9/10 as he’s up at 5am for work so between showering and having dinner and making his lunch for the next day, there’s not a lot of time for physical loving. And because we’re frantically saving for a house, he’s started working weekends as well. All this seems to be a pressure and i think is also adding to his impotence.

We’re looking to buy a house nearer his home town which is also nearer to his job then our current flat is (it’s my flat and is 25 minutes away from his town where everyone gets picked up to go to his work. The business is based there so he needs to drive up every morning) so moving nearer will take some of that pressure off. The way things are though with the sex, I’m wondering if buying a house together is the right idea if we can’t sort it out? Or if buying the house will be the thing that helps as the pressure will be off? I still love him but I’m starting to feel a distance between us and I don’t really know what to do about it all. He seems as upset as I am that his penis doesn’t seem to be working. He’s assured me that he still finds me attractive and it’s starting to annoy him that he can’t perform. I don’t think it’s physical more a mental block with everything that’s happened this horrible year. I don’t feel particularly horny myself with no date nights or much to look forward to. But sex is such a big part of a relationship that I know we have to try or else the whole thing will just fall apart. We still cuddle and kiss and are tactile and affectionate but it always fails when we try to progress it to lovemaking recently and I fear turning into just roommates 😞

Anyone got any advice? Should he go to his doctor? Therapy? (Which we can’t really afford) or just hope for the best that buying a house will take the pressure off a bit and allow us to relax more together?

It may be that once a week is enough. He may not fancy you. He may have a medical issue. Pills can sort the last of these but not the first two.

I wonder if working away a lot he's got used to porn? Then finds it hard to get down to the real thing ?

Nothing you’ve described sounds like a recipe for mojo, does it? Stress and depression about his work and general lockdown worries, lots of fights and arguments, you telling him you don’t see a future with him, him having to placate your insecurity and moods, attention drawn to the lack of sex, then for some unknown reason you abandon contraception and are trying to conceive? Knock that on the head for starters, it really isn’t the right time. Just weeks ago you were having big fights which almost led to you breaking up - why on earth would you be trying to bring a baby into what sounds like a big mess?

If you want to stay together then you need to learn how to communicate with each other better, in a way which doesn’t involve fighting or one or both of you going for the nuclear option. Some talking therapy together might help. His erectile issues may also benefit from a GP visit to see if there’s any physical cause but I’d also suspect the issues in your relationship are going to be having a huge effect.

Buying a house and having a baby will not “take some of the pressure off”, btw. They’re two of the most stressful things you can do in your life, and the latter certainly puts pressure on even the strongest of relationships.

Fucking hell, op, I would be absolutely slamming the brakes. I'm sorry, but your relationship simply is no where near strong enough for you to be having a baby with this man. I can't think of a more foolish thing for you to do, other that buying a house with him, and you're planning that too!

Having a baby, which I'm not convinced he even wants and which could be the root of his ED, will cause your already shaky relationship to implode. Please don't delude yourself into believing that having a baby will make things better. It absolutely will not.

You need to stop everything and have a massive think.

We had discussed buying a house and coming off contraception before he moved in. The reason he moved in was so we could save up and aim for the house and baby within 1-2 years. It was his idea about having a baby together, I was on the fence about even having kids before I met him.

Lockdown has brought challenges that I don’t think anyone really knows how to deal with. He moved in a year ago so we had 3/4 months of living together where our relationship was still great and we were still having sex quite a lot. Then lockdown hit and for the most part we have been good, still affectionate, have a laugh together and generally get on well, it seems me noticing the lack of sex and pointing it out has become a real issue. I know I haven’t exactly made him feel secure with saying a couple of times I don’t see a future in the heat of the moment. I do see a future with him but his depression over lockdown and the lack of sex has been really hard to deal with. My communication does need work I admit. But I don’t think it’s such a terrible thing to have had a few arguments over lockdown. We are in a tiny one bedroom flat, at the top of a tenement with no outside space (we live near the city centre so not much green space for walks, it’s all industrial estates, retail parks, dual carriageway roads) and went from being at work/uni most of the day to being with each other 24/7 with no space to decompress or have alone time. I can’t help but think that would test even the most secure relationship.

Admonishing me for making a joint decision about buying a house and trying for a baby before an unexpected global pandemic hit doesn’t really help. I’m aware that buying a house and having a baby will be stressful. Since we’re not able to have sex right now that’s kind of a moot point so no need to tell me to put the brakes on it really.

My question was should we look at practical options like his GP? Therapy? Viagra? Or just hope that once we’re out of this tiny flat and restrictions have eased and life returns to some normality that we’ll get back to being sexual with each other? Or should I just give up on someone I love and who loves me due to lack of sex? Has anyone been in the position where life got in the way for a while but you were able to find your way back?

Noone's admonishing you, OP. They're advising you to think twice about trying to have a baby and move in with someone that you've almost broken up with just 2.5 years in, remembering that you have a history of clinging on to people you should break up with. Are you reaching an age where you feel like it's now or never for a baby, and you should go for it even when the relationship is dodgy?

You have told him you don't see a future, you criticise his technique, and you ask him if he's attracted to you because you don't have sex more often. That would stress anyone out imo! What's the rush? Calm down and enjoy the relationship before adding stresses to it

If he was physically fine recently and he's not started new medication, this will be performance anxiety.

It's one of those things that tends to pass on its own if you don't always draw attention to it. Like you are saying that you don't get aroused as quickly and easily, he maybe has a mental block where there are so many things invested in his performance sexually, including potentially reproducing, that he can't get round.

I felt that everybody was sexing it up during lockdown and there would definitely be loads of lockdown babies (which there were) whereas we barely touched each other.

Not everybody was. This year has affected people in different ways depending on personalities, circumstances etc. So some might have been able to sex it up but others - especially extroverts struggling without being out and about, and people out of work - have been affected very badly, and this certainly would have a knock-on effect on anyone's libido.

Being back in work isn't a quick fix either, given that it seems to involve travelling, long hours and he has the stress of trying to impress in a new job.

Something else that definitely wouldn't have helped are the frankly quite harsh things you said. I assure you he's aware that he's no longer performing like he did, and being castigated for it - and being threatened with a breakup - would have only added to the pressure. The more stress he feels about the situation, the less likely it'll get better.

You could try being intimate in different ways that don't put pressure on him to perform? Sex doesn't have to be penetrative. Obviously if you're TTC it does but as PP have said your relationship is in no place to be doing this anyway.

Or should I just give up on someone I love and who loves me due to lack of sex? Has anyone been in the position where life got in the way for a while but you were able to find your way back?

When life gets in the way the thing that gets you through is a genuine desire to support and sympathise with your partner. I don't know what you mean by "love" in the previous sentence because there's precious little sympathy or affection in the rest of your posts.

I think in my mind I want to end things before he does. Which is immature but my only other serious relationship was quite on/off and I always kick myself that he ended it every time and I never had the balls to, even though the last time we got back together I wasn’t feeling it at all but it still ended when he decided.

This is a massive massive red flag to me. You can't be bringing the baggage from your previous relationship into this one. If you really think you want to end it before he does you should just go ahead and do it. On-off relationships are pointless once you're out of university.

My partner has extreme performance anxiety and ED from a previous relationship where sex turned into conception obsessive sex. His wife was so obsessed with getting pregnant that it had a really negative effect on his performance. Twenty years later he's still got it. I love the bones of him, and he's very talented in other areas so I don't feel like I'm missing out, but he feels like a failure at times, and Viagra doesn't suit everyone.

I agree with others opinion that you shouldn't be trying for a baby if your relationship isn't stable (and if you're only living in an one-bed flat). But if you're determined to go down this road then you need to stop pressuring him otherwise you could cause serious damage to his mental health and self-esteem.